Replies to 'Relationship Myths'
|
April 15, 2006, 11:16 am PDT
 Quote From: twosons36 Hi,
I was reading a few of the posts and hate to think that I fall in the same category. To give you a little background, I am 36 years old and have been with my common-law husband for 16 years. We have two boys (9 & 7). Our relationship has been through rocky patches as have many others. He has a habit of lying and a few years ago fought a gambling addiction. Over the last 5 years, I have thought our relationship was great and that we were beyond the lies. He no longer gambles and is a great father. I have forgiven, forgiven and forgiven and I am just at the point that I don't know if I can do it anymore.
I was recently away for a week. I have never done anything like this before, but me and three friends took a seven day vacation to Cuba. It was awesome, but the whole time I was there, I was wishing that I was with my spouse. I even wrote him a letter one night telling him how much I loved him and that I thought we should get married (we had discussed this in the past), but I thought it was time that we made it a priorty.
Two days after I came home, something told me to check the messages on MSN. When I did, I was flabbergasted, hurt and angry over a message that he had sent to a former co-worker. I won't get into the content of the message, but when I read it I was embarrassed. A few things he told her was that he missed her...he called her hottie....she called him lover....Just to give you some examples. My husband works in an environment that requires him to work with younger women and men. He is 33 and she is 21. I could tell from the content of the message that there was nothing going on YET. I asked him about it and he says that he know it was wrong and that he is sorry. I asked him why he did it and he says he doesn't know. I just feel that he was trying to get something started. He has many issues, of which he should seek counselling, but won't. He is very, very stubborn. Although he acts like he has high self esteem, I feel that his self-esteem is very low and I don't know whether this was just ego stroking he was looking for or to get something started.
I am so hurt and upset that I can't begin to tell you. I asked him to leave so that I could have some time to think while I figure this out, but he refuses to go. Not because he loves me, but because his pride won't let him. He hates to admit that he has made a mistake.
I feel like I have spent over half of our relationship learning to trust him all over again. For any of you that are aware of addicitions, they go hand in hand with lying and as I said above, he had had a habit of lying previously. Each time he has jeoparized my trust over something major, I have had to learn to trust him again.
I am scared to leave. I don't have a lot of friends and no family and I don't make a lot of money. My children are spoiled and treat us horribly and I just don't know if I am strong enough to do this all on my own, but at the same time, I think that I am 36 and the most honest and dedicated person and I feel that I don't deserve to deal with this anymore. I have never cried as many tears as I have in the last three days. Any advice that anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks I know it's hard not to use the kids as an excuse not to leave a cheating spouse. And at this point, your husband may not be physically cheating, but he is definitely planning it and pusuing it. Don't let him con you on that. It's not a matter of continually forgiving him when he pushes the envelope of your marriage. It's a matter of knowing where that line in the sand is. Right now, he may be thinking that this can be brushed under the carpet and forgotten about. How important is fidelity in your marriage? If it is more important than his past trespasses, than you have to let him know that it is. You said that you needed to separate to think about this. YOU move out. Go stay with a friend or someone that you can confide in. Let him take care of the kids and agonize about what he's done. His actions are the cause of you needing a break with him, make it hurt for him. If he is truly sorry and wants to make it up to you, he will abide by whatever it is you need him to do to regain trust in him again. Look through the advice threads below, for Dr Phil's guidelines. I suggest going to Relationships/Sex, for pointers on how to handle things after finding out about infidelity. |
|
|
April 16, 2006, 1:59 am PDT
Quote From: twosons36 Hi,
I was reading a few of the posts and hate to think that I fall in the same category. To give you a little background, I am 36 years old and have been with my common-law husband for 16 years. We have two boys (9 & 7). Our relationship has been through rocky patches as have many others. He has a habit of lying and a few years ago fought a gambling addiction. Over the last 5 years, I have thought our relationship was great and that we were beyond the lies. He no longer gambles and is a great father. I have forgiven, forgiven and forgiven and I am just at the point that I don't know if I can do it anymore.
I was recently away for a week. I have never done anything like this before, but me and three friends took a seven day vacation to Cuba. It was awesome, but the whole time I was there, I was wishing that I was with my spouse. I even wrote him a letter one night telling him how much I loved him and that I thought we should get married (we had discussed this in the past), but I thought it was time that we made it a priorty.
Two days after I came home, something told me to check the messages on MSN. When I did, I was flabbergasted, hurt and angry over a message that he had sent to a former co-worker. I won't get into the content of the message, but when I read it I was embarrassed. A few things he told her was that he missed her...he called her hottie....she called him lover....Just to give you some examples. My husband works in an environment that requires him to work with younger women and men. He is 33 and she is 21. I could tell from the content of the message that there was nothing going on YET. I asked him about it and he says that he know it was wrong and that he is sorry. I asked him why he did it and he says he doesn't know. I just feel that he was trying to get something started. He has many issues, of which he should seek counselling, but won't. He is very, very stubborn. Although he acts like he has high self esteem, I feel that his self-esteem is very low and I don't know whether this was just ego stroking he was looking for or to get something started.
I am so hurt and upset that I can't begin to tell you. I asked him to leave so that I could have some time to think while I figure this out, but he refuses to go. Not because he loves me, but because his pride won't let him. He hates to admit that he has made a mistake.
I feel like I have spent over half of our relationship learning to trust him all over again. For any of you that are aware of addicitions, they go hand in hand with lying and as I said above, he had had a habit of lying previously. Each time he has jeoparized my trust over something major, I have had to learn to trust him again.
I am scared to leave. I don't have a lot of friends and no family and I don't make a lot of money. My children are spoiled and treat us horribly and I just don't know if I am strong enough to do this all on my own, but at the same time, I think that I am 36 and the most honest and dedicated person and I feel that I don't deserve to deal with this anymore. I have never cried as many tears as I have in the last three days. Any advice that anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks If you want some time, then leave -- and leave your spoiled brats that treat you terribly with your cheating husband/boyfriend. There is no rule that says that you have to take them, and men might act differently if they think they are going to have to be tthe primary care givers if the marriage goes south. It's great that you actually went with your friends on a vacation, but he may feel justified in cheating because you did something without him. If she is calling him "Lover" -- there is something going on, and you are in denial. Wake up and smell the coffee. He also knows why he did it. He can't tell you because it's as bad as it sounds. He's got a hard-on for another woman, and has not got the moral fortitude to appreciate the value of his marriage and back off from temptation before it sucks him in. God-Forbid he gets his self esteem fixes from new and strange females. I know you are in pain and cant see things clearly, but I'm telling you - my judgement isn't cloudy, and I have loved a few cheaters , and a few non-cheaters too. Just what kind of a job does he have that he has to work with younger women and men? It doesn't matter, but if he wants to establish trust with you again over this - then they can't work together anymore, and you know what that means? He or she leaves that job. It sounds like you're pretty tired of his behavior anyway, and no matter what happens now, Community college is a great place to increase your earning potential in even just one year. Leave, and worry about yourself. College does wonders for your outlook on life, and you would be suprised how easy it is to enroll. If you decide to split and if you want your kids back in a year, then you can afford to take them, and he'll be more than ready to let you. Even if you dont split you will have ensured yourself of a more secure future. I'm sorry he did this to you, I know it hurts like hell. |
|
|
April 16, 2006, 1:44 pm PDT
Quote From: twosons36 Hi,
I was reading a few of the posts and hate to think that I fall in the same category. To give you a little background, I am 36 years old and have been with my common-law husband for 16 years. We have two boys (9 & 7). Our relationship has been through rocky patches as have many others. He has a habit of lying and a few years ago fought a gambling addiction. Over the last 5 years, I have thought our relationship was great and that we were beyond the lies. He no longer gambles and is a great father. I have forgiven, forgiven and forgiven and I am just at the point that I don't know if I can do it anymore.
I was recently away for a week. I have never done anything like this before, but me and three friends took a seven day vacation to Cuba. It was awesome, but the whole time I was there, I was wishing that I was with my spouse. I even wrote him a letter one night telling him how much I loved him and that I thought we should get married (we had discussed this in the past), but I thought it was time that we made it a priorty.
Two days after I came home, something told me to check the messages on MSN. When I did, I was flabbergasted, hurt and angry over a message that he had sent to a former co-worker. I won't get into the content of the message, but when I read it I was embarrassed. A few things he told her was that he missed her...he called her hottie....she called him lover....Just to give you some examples. My husband works in an environment that requires him to work with younger women and men. He is 33 and she is 21. I could tell from the content of the message that there was nothing going on YET. I asked him about it and he says that he know it was wrong and that he is sorry. I asked him why he did it and he says he doesn't know. I just feel that he was trying to get something started. He has many issues, of which he should seek counselling, but won't. He is very, very stubborn. Although he acts like he has high self esteem, I feel that his self-esteem is very low and I don't know whether this was just ego stroking he was looking for or to get something started.
I am so hurt and upset that I can't begin to tell you. I asked him to leave so that I could have some time to think while I figure this out, but he refuses to go. Not because he loves me, but because his pride won't let him. He hates to admit that he has made a mistake.
I feel like I have spent over half of our relationship learning to trust him all over again. For any of you that are aware of addicitions, they go hand in hand with lying and as I said above, he had had a habit of lying previously. Each time he has jeoparized my trust over something major, I have had to learn to trust him again.
I am scared to leave. I don't have a lot of friends and no family and I don't make a lot of money. My children are spoiled and treat us horribly and I just don't know if I am strong enough to do this all on my own, but at the same time, I think that I am 36 and the most honest and dedicated person and I feel that I don't deserve to deal with this anymore. I have never cried as many tears as I have in the last three days. Any advice that anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks It is understandable that you are scared to leave, but please know, it is never too late to make a happy life for yourself and for your children! Right now, your husband is going to do whatever he pleases, even if it hurts you, because he knows that you aren't going anywhere. You have tolerated so much of his bad behavior, he is confident you will continue to do so. You said that your children are spoiled and treat you horrible- they are only 9 and 7- there is time to change that! Staying in this unhealthy environment isn't going to help them become honest people with dedication. I know that you are hurting, so you need to take that pain and turn it into action. Instead of crying, use that energy on something else, like taking night classes to further your education, that way you can further your career- and quickly, you will find yourself making a higher wage. I am the same age as you are, and I went back to college last year, it has made a huge difference in my life. There are many programs at college to assist you, also- financially and emotionally. I encourage you to check out programs in your area. Also, consider what amount of child support he will be ordered to pay, and will that be enough to sustain a household with your children? If you do nothing else, get counceling for YOU. The most important thing you've got to do is learn to love yourself. You have spent so many years forgiving this man that you have lost your own sense of self. You are worthy of so much more in life. He isn't going to change, there isn't anything you can say or do to make him change, so the only thing that is in your power is for you to change. I wish you the very best! |
|
Return to the Message Board