Replies to '04/17 Dangerous Kids'
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April 17, 2006, 10:59 pm PDT
 Quote From: mischif12 I see kids like this everyday. Only about 10% fall in to the category of being mentally ill (Bipolar, schizophrenic, oppositional defiant, intermittent explosive etc...) The rest of these kids have problems that are purely behavioral and a direct result of their upbringing. In almost all cases we see a pattern of maladaptive parenting skills designed to keep the kids "happy". When I meet the parents I have no problems seeing why the kids are the way they are. We get oversexed promiscuous kids whose mother's show up in clothing that leaves nothing to the imagination. I see fathers who have violent tempers and no respect for the world. I see kids who are depressed and suicidal whose parents haven't a clue there's a problem because they are just too busy to pay attentiuon to their kids. These are kids who didn't ask to be brought into the world and are treated like inconveniences once they are here. They are dragged through divorce and custody battles, left to raise themselves because parents are too busy pursuing their own lives to be concerned about their children. As long as the kid is not getting into trouble these parents feel that they have been successful. But there is a multitude of silent, hurting angry children who have not been taught any self control or decision making skills. Nor have they ever had to face the consequences of their actions. The prisons and drug courts are full of adults that grew up this way. We are seeing the results of the divorce culture that has become so much a part of American society. Then these parents want us to give their kids a pill and fix them with therapy. It doesn't work this way. When a child is sick in this way it's a fact that the whole family is sick and needs help as well.
Spanking these kids is not the answer nor is sending them off to boot camps. There are some wonderful residential programs out there but the horror stories of the many so called residential treatment camps (especially the cheaper ones) abound and often the kids come back more rebellious than when they left. The answer is for parents to pick up the slack when children are young. The only acceptable reasons for divorce in a family with children are abuse, addiction and adultery, any other excuse for breaking up a child's home is outrageous and irresponsible. If we want to raise happy, responsible and well adjusted children we have to parent in happy, responsible and well adjusted ways.
Of the 10% that have mental illness the entire family needs to be involved in the treatment. The answer is not just a pill away. Adolescents with bipolar disorder were often mis-diagnosed with ADD/ADHD on the recommendation of a family Dr or school therapist. Then Guess What the parents are handed a pill that's supposed to fix the problem. No cognitive behavioral training, no classes on how to parent a child with these type of problems. This in unconscionable.
OK I'm done ranting - just one more thing That poor dog needs to be removed from that home!
Wow...great post! I think you hit on many truths. AT least to my way of thinking. Why don't people get it that having a child is a life long commitment...not a overnight pasttime. And why do people that aren't totally happy in their marriage smart enough or love their child enough not to bring them into the world under the wrong circumstances?? I just don't get that mentality.
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April 18, 2006, 5:38 am PDT
Quote From: mischif12 I see kids like this everyday. Only about 10% fall in to the category of being mentally ill (Bipolar, schizophrenic, oppositional defiant, intermittent explosive etc...) The rest of these kids have problems that are purely behavioral and a direct result of their upbringing. In almost all cases we see a pattern of maladaptive parenting skills designed to keep the kids "happy". When I meet the parents I have no problems seeing why the kids are the way they are. We get oversexed promiscuous kids whose mother's show up in clothing that leaves nothing to the imagination. I see fathers who have violent tempers and no respect for the world. I see kids who are depressed and suicidal whose parents haven't a clue there's a problem because they are just too busy to pay attentiuon to their kids. These are kids who didn't ask to be brought into the world and are treated like inconveniences once they are here. They are dragged through divorce and custody battles, left to raise themselves because parents are too busy pursuing their own lives to be concerned about their children. As long as the kid is not getting into trouble these parents feel that they have been successful. But there is a multitude of silent, hurting angry children who have not been taught any self control or decision making skills. Nor have they ever had to face the consequences of their actions. The prisons and drug courts are full of adults that grew up this way. We are seeing the results of the divorce culture that has become so much a part of American society. Then these parents want us to give their kids a pill and fix them with therapy. It doesn't work this way. When a child is sick in this way it's a fact that the whole family is sick and needs help as well.
Spanking these kids is not the answer nor is sending them off to boot camps. There are some wonderful residential programs out there but the horror stories of the many so called residential treatment camps (especially the cheaper ones) abound and often the kids come back more rebellious than when they left. The answer is for parents to pick up the slack when children are young. The only acceptable reasons for divorce in a family with children are abuse, addiction and adultery, any other excuse for breaking up a child's home is outrageous and irresponsible. If we want to raise happy, responsible and well adjusted children we have to parent in happy, responsible and well adjusted ways.
Of the 10% that have mental illness the entire family needs to be involved in the treatment. The answer is not just a pill away. Adolescents with bipolar disorder were often mis-diagnosed with ADD/ADHD on the recommendation of a family Dr or school therapist. Then Guess What the parents are handed a pill that's supposed to fix the problem. No cognitive behavioral training, no classes on how to parent a child with these type of problems. This in unconscionable.
OK I'm done ranting - just one more thing That poor dog needs to be removed from that home!
I'm an older mom, currently a foster mom. My oldest son is 39 and by today's standards would have been ADHD from the moment he was born. The nurses at the hospital had no idea how to help me with adjusting as he only slept 1-3 hours in any given 24 hour period. I took him home and started with a plan. CONSISTANCY! Or as some older people can relate-a schedule. That way he knew from day one what to expect and how things went. As he got older this whole idea became even more important as we adjusted to his growing needs and development. I had another son who also was this way but the other 2 children weren't.
By school age Ritalin was being prescribed but I never put either boy on it. I learned how the body and their emotions responded to food and surroundings as well as changes in their lifestyles and quickly learned that they could deal with differences in the real world as long as they had the security of stucture and consistancy at home. I communicated with teachers and stayed active in their lives. At one point I did become a single mother-my husband at that time became very abusive to me -long story short for the best interest of all I got a divorice which in the 70's wasn't well accepted. I never tried to make up for it to the kids, I just gave them the best mom I could and provided them with good male role models thru family members/community.
Yes as little ones they did get the occasional spanking but not what people call spanking these days. A swat on the butt/diaper area that got their attention basically. More the noise or surprise than a feeling. It stopped the action and that was the intent. My house was always the hang out for all the kids, often so many you could barely see the swing set. My house was the one that had no grass, worn off by play. Had holes in one area where the kids dug/kids played-got dirty-and solved their differences in their own way--I intervened only if someone raised a hand or object to hurt the other. Pets, friends, other's belongings and adults were respected.
Now I get kids who are out of control due to drugs (often from the drugs that were intended to help them). Most kids now days have no idea what structure is, no idea what a routine is-no wonder they have no idea how doing wrong leads to disipline. I agee with most of what you have said except for one point---NEVER stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids only. Work on it but if it is unfixable, get out.
No only should this family get the dog out, but I'd remove the other child if they feel this is a safe place. In our state it is now illegal to raise a brat. I agree, it's child abuse to raise a child that is not acceptable in society as a productive human.
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April 18, 2006, 6:23 pm PDT
Quote From: mischif12 I see kids like this everyday. Only about 10% fall in to the category of being mentally ill (Bipolar, schizophrenic, oppositional defiant, intermittent explosive etc...) The rest of these kids have problems that are purely behavioral and a direct result of their upbringing. In almost all cases we see a pattern of maladaptive parenting skills designed to keep the kids "happy". When I meet the parents I have no problems seeing why the kids are the way they are. We get oversexed promiscuous kids whose mother's show up in clothing that leaves nothing to the imagination. I see fathers who have violent tempers and no respect for the world. I see kids who are depressed and suicidal whose parents haven't a clue there's a problem because they are just too busy to pay attentiuon to their kids. These are kids who didn't ask to be brought into the world and are treated like inconveniences once they are here. They are dragged through divorce and custody battles, left to raise themselves because parents are too busy pursuing their own lives to be concerned about their children. As long as the kid is not getting into trouble these parents feel that they have been successful. But there is a multitude of silent, hurting angry children who have not been taught any self control or decision making skills. Nor have they ever had to face the consequences of their actions. The prisons and drug courts are full of adults that grew up this way. We are seeing the results of the divorce culture that has become so much a part of American society. Then these parents want us to give their kids a pill and fix them with therapy. It doesn't work this way. When a child is sick in this way it's a fact that the whole family is sick and needs help as well.
Spanking these kids is not the answer nor is sending them off to boot camps. There are some wonderful residential programs out there but the horror stories of the many so called residential treatment camps (especially the cheaper ones) abound and often the kids come back more rebellious than when they left. The answer is for parents to pick up the slack when children are young. The only acceptable reasons for divorce in a family with children are abuse, addiction and adultery, any other excuse for breaking up a child's home is outrageous and irresponsible. If we want to raise happy, responsible and well adjusted children we have to parent in happy, responsible and well adjusted ways.
Of the 10% that have mental illness the entire family needs to be involved in the treatment. The answer is not just a pill away. Adolescents with bipolar disorder were often mis-diagnosed with ADD/ADHD on the recommendation of a family Dr or school therapist. Then Guess What the parents are handed a pill that's supposed to fix the problem. No cognitive behavioral training, no classes on how to parent a child with these type of problems. This in unconscionable.
OK I'm done ranting - just one more thing That poor dog needs to be removed from that home!
I totally connected with Mariah in this episode. At this point in my life I am extremely happy and successful, but... when I was younger I felt like something was "wrong" with me. Why? Because I thought I was the only kid in the world whose parents were divorced and whose mom brought some stranger to live in our house. I was 6 when they divorced. Don't get me wrong - my step-dad was a nice stranger - but he wasn't my Dad. Then I had to deal with my Dad being all depressed that his marriage didn't work out... every weekend... and I couldn't go out with my friends on the weekend because I was "at my Dad's". I didn't feel normal. To top it off my mom took me to counseling and THAT really made me feel like a weirdo. Then my mom brought my "step-brother" into our house who ended up touching me inappropriately... point is that it was a CHAOTIC way to grow up. Did my mom kick my step-brother out? No, in fact she has a bleeding heart for him that he was just a misguided teen and encourages his kids to call me aunt (which I do not endorse).
To top it all of my a-hole step-dad killed himself 8 months before my wedding, which ruined my mother's life. So now, I will never really get my mom back because she's all wrapped up in him (which I totally understand but REALLY don't appreciate). Basically, my step-dad brought a bunch of crap into my life that I didn't ask for. I can relate to how Mariah probably feels. Resentful.
My point of the story is that step-parents really do screw up your kids and make them feel like your allegiance is not with them. You need to remember that your new husband/wife is a guest in your house and that your kids are #1. When that step-dad said he 1) disciplines his step-daughter and 2) resents her because his son died I just about lost it. FIGURE IT OUT. THE KID IS #1 AND YOU ARE #2. YOUR WIFE SHOULD HAVE KICKED YOUR BUTT FOR SAYING THAT ESPECIALLY ON TV. YOUR STEP-DAUGHTER WILL REMEMBER THAT FOREVER AND SHE SHOULD. What kid has a parent who says that? I bet she feels like the only person in the world who is going through stuff like this.
I think this girl is just real messed up emotionally and I can't really blame her. She'll probably grow up to be happy and successful. Let her feel a LITTLE NORMAL. That's what she's already telling you - that you don't let her go out with her friends. Why don't you find out what other moms are letting their girls do or offer to host some fun things so that she can be more social and feel normal. She needs to get away from the emotional chaos in your house. |
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