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Replies to 'Co-Parenting'
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April 18, 2006, 10:56 pm PDT
 Quote From: faith1985 Hi,
The reason I say "why should I give into what he wants" is becuase thats what he wants me to do. Shoudlnt I try and fight for what is right for this child or at least what is reasonable and stable. All he wants is what he thinks is going to be fair for him. He is so worried about that he may not get 50/50. But I tried to explain to him in cases such as this 50/50 cant always happen. I am not denying him access to his child. He can come visit when ever he wants. As long as he calls first to let me know he is coming incase I am not home. The whole thing about him saying he wanted to break it in, after I said that it wasnt a car or a pair of shoes he said whatever. Like he didnt care that he just refered to his child as an object. I dont know if he ment to or was just being careless or even just trying to piss me off. I have tried to be reasonable I have asked him why he thinks the child would benifit from living at his house and he told me because there wasnt clothes on the floor and it didnt smell like dust. I'm sorry but anyone who has had children know that their house is eventually going to collect a little dust and there are going to be some clothes on the floor. That is a stupid reason to think that the child would benefit away from its mother.
I can devote all my time to this child I will be on maternity leave for 9 months after the baby is born. I am off work for this specific reason, to take care of my child. He will be working and having someone else take care of the child. I really dont think that bringing a third caregiver into the childs life at such a young age is not what is best for the child. I have tried to explain that to him as well and he said oh well, the father should get 50/50. But with him working for more then half of the week, he isnt really gettting 50/50. especially if it is gone the next week without him getting to see it. I really do think that it would confuse the child. He can come over after work and spend time with his child there is nothing wrong with that. He can even have weekends when the child isnt breastfeeding as much. I am not against that. I am willing to comprimise. I am trying my hardest to think of whats best for this child.
I have tried and tried and given him chance after chance. It stresses me out to much and I am just not willing to let stress take over my days and nights, becuase when I am talking to him I stress out trying to defend myself and trying to explain to him that we need to compramise and think of something reasonable and stable for this child. He wont talk reason with me. Its what he wants and nothing else and thats why I say why should I just be willing to give into what he wants. shouldnt finding away that works be more important? And if one of us disagrees then shouldnt we find another way to work things out. I'm at a loss of what to do, but all I know is that I dont want this to end up in court. I dont know what else to do....... I wouldn't say "fight," I'd say promote, encourage, ask, and request what's in the best interest of the child. Fighting never makes things better. Surely though, it makes thigns worse.
I'd again say that stability and consistency is establish first with the parents, and then with the children. And therefore, whatever schedule you both work out jointly, will work for the baby.
What he wants may be what he wants. But consider this, what he wants (which he should really reason with you about it), does it benefit your child, or will it be detrimental? And with that response, you may be able to sort out a few things.
Parenting isn't all about 50/50. Sometimes it may be 70/30, or 20/80. You will need him and he will need you to raise that baby. Work together, not against each other.
His concerns about dust and how clean your place is doesn't sound reasonable, I agree. I mean, unless you're right behing everyone picking up after them, your place will consume dust and such things. I'm sure it is not your intent to provide an unsanitary place for your child, so don't place to much into that. Let him say what he wants about that.
Since you seem to have established a plan, going on maternity leave, and he'll be at work during the day, I'd say the baby is best placed with you. Where would the baby be otherwise? Maybe you can tell him that you can split the time as follows: You have the baby during the day, and him during the evenings. Maybe that will suit both of you better and both of you can spend time with the baby. And if he's "fighting" for 50/50 and really won't be able to take care of that baby during his time because someone else is taking care of him/her, then it makes no sense. And he wouldn't be able to show, if the matter went to court, that he would be taking care of the baby during his time which will result in him not attaining what he wants anyway.
Why don't you both try to come together to work out a schedule that best works for everyone? I understand you've tried a number of things already. But ensure him that you really want him in the baby's life and you really want to work things out. I know it's tough, but hang in there.
Whatever happens, don't stress out too much. That's not good for the baby at all. If anyting, take breaks, time-outs between contact with one another. The focus here is to have the baby come into this world first, everything else is secondary. Visitation can be settled afterwards.
I agree with you, if one or both of you disagree, come together to work it out, to find another solution. So all I can say is keep trying. I'm sorry if things become so stressful at times. Take a break if you need to, remember that.
Good luck! |
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