Replies to 'Cheated On'

 

 

 

  There are many many support forums out there. You really need more shoulders to cry on. You might want to try lifesaviors.com and also my email is listed under my profile if you need to talk.

 

 

  Nine months is not enough time to heal from such a devastating event. Your husband has ripped the family apart and left you illequiped to put anything back in place. Because he has chosen to leave you with no information you can assume that she got pregnant and he jumped the gun and did what he thought would happen anyhow. He probably thought CHEATING and GETTING caught meant the end of the marriage. Her pregnancy was getting CAUGHT.

 

  You can channel your anger in the form of writing, write them both letters(you don't have to send these, it is just for your own therapy) take your anger to the page and feel good in knowing that you don't need to GIVE her power by showing her your anger and pain.

 

  How do they do this things? They have complete selfcentered and immature thought process. They lack morals and decency.

They, as a couple, will not last long as neither one of them can trust the other and she will be raising that child alone in the near future.

The best news I have is that there is a less than 5% chance his new marriage will last.  Revenge is sweet, especially when served cold.  And DO NOT even consider taking him back.  Just take his money.

 

As another member said cheaters are selfish liars.  That is being nice.  And that "best friend" was no friend.  Good riddance to them both.

 

The one thing I know for SURE is that this was NOT your fault.  And you need someone to talk to.  Counselor would be the best bet, but a friend or family member is good too.  And venting on this board is great.

 

As always, kids pay the price for adult stupidity.  How old are kids?  Any chance that idiot Dad would consent to visiting them at his parent's house or some other alternate location?  Probably not, will make new bedmate unhappy.

 

It is gonna take about two years for you to begin to feel normal, but I would never let ex and hoochie know it.  Do your crying in private.

 

If you can find the cheated on archives in this new format, go back and read them all.  Lots of websites, books and just general good ideas.  You CAN do this.

 

 

I read your story and my heart knows your pain. I was married for 8 years when I found out that my husband had an affair with my best friend. Not only that he got her pregnant and they had a baby together. They got married and have been for the past 10 years. It's taken me a long time to sort everything out and I still don't have it all together. I decided a long time ago that I would forgive him and her not neccessarily for their benefit but for mine. I knew that if I didn't that it would be like a cancer growing inside of me that would eventually destroy me. Now understand that this has taken years and was a gradual process. Now I have a good relationship with him and his wife and we're able to work together for the sake of our 3 kids. 

I just recently started some counselling....I tried yrs. ago but was never able to find someone that I felt comfortable with. I came to realize that it wasn't that I wasn't a good wife. In fact it had NOTHING to do with me. It was what was going on inside of him and his mind. I was finally able to let this go and stop blamming myself. I did the best as a wif e that I knew at the time. I wasn't perfect and certainly did and said things that I shouln't have but that still does NOT justify his affair.  

I always thought that I lost everything and now realize that I lost nothing bec. I didn't have anything. Our marriage was dead. As for my friend I now know that she was never a real friend to begin with. She was envious of what she thought that I had and selfish. So I didn't loose anything. 

I hope that this helps somewhat. Please don't make the mistake that I made and blame yourself. IT WASN"T YOUR FAULT. IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU......IT WAS HIS SICKNESS AND STATE OF MIND. 

I noticed in your profile that you live in Missouri. My boyfriend lives there and right now I'm here a lot visiting. If you want e-mail me, would like to help in any way that I can since we're wearing the same shoes. 

  

I was married for 18 1/2 and we had 3 beautiful children, when he came home one night, took me to a nice new restuarant to tell me that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. He had been seeing my friend for at least 6 months.  She had no children of her own but walked out on her 

husband to be with mine.  My husband had always turned away from his friends who were cheating on their wives because he felt so strongly about how wrong it was for all involved.  And then there he stood with his lame excuses for doing the same thing.  My children were 17, 13, and 8.  I made him tell each one of them seperately why he was leaving.  On several occassions I had to pick up my daughter after she would collapse on the floor crying, begging me to tell her why. I had no answers, for her or myself. The 8 year old kept asking if we were going to get a new daddy.  This was in October of 1996. He came back home after Christmas apologizing profusely to all of us and promising he would do what ever it took to make it up to us.  And then he walked out again on New Years Eve.  That was going on 10 years ago and there is not a day that I don't think about it. My son to this day is still angry with me over a divorce I had no choice in. I miss my best friend, we could always laugh and talk about anything. We loved our kids and loved to travel or just hang out.  Well, they too got married and have a 5 year old.  I have also remarried and have another little girl.  And now things are not going well again, and I can't help thinking that if my first husband had not walked out on us, I wouldn't be hurting so much now. I always thought at this stage of my life, I would be rocking grandbabies and laying on the beach drinking Margaritas.  I hope time brings you peace. But, the one thing I learned last time with the help of my current husband and that I have to tell myself everyday again, is that this has nothing to do with you!  This is their "bad". I never cheated, I very rarely said no when he wanted sex, I kept a beautiful home and took care of our family while he worked, travelled on business every week and then came home and played his sports.  I was always there for when he needed me and he still left.  This is their character flaw and not ours. So its time for us to pull up our boot straps, hold our heads high and know that we did our best. 

i am hurting for you as i write this.  you can read my message and experience as oldcargal.  she wasnt' my best friend but i treated her as a friend, none the less.  no, they didn't get married.  no, they didn't have a child together but it was so painful just the same.  you are in the early stages of this.....maybe by now your head has cleared somewhat.  but let me tell you that you simply MUST GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!  i know this tears you apart.  i know there are nights you wake up with your heart pounding!  i know!  i've been there!   i never thought my husband would cheat either!  but he did!  more than once!  was it my mistake to trust him?  NO!  just as it wasn't yours to trust your husband!  look at your children and be thankful that God gave them to you.  look at your life and be thankful God gave that to you also.  trust me, sweetie.  you won't always feel like you do now.  you will evolve into something wonderful.  something strong!  the best you can be!   

  

and what will he have?  guilt!  day in and day out!  no, you were NOT a bad wife!  you were probably a wonderful wife.  i'll bet you did everything a good wife does!  please do not beat yourself up for what he did.  men are very weak creatures and they love to blame the females in their lives for their weaknesses.  i'm telling you that you CAN get on with you life and God has something wonderful planned for you...........take it one day at a time.  one hour at a time.  sometimes, one minute at a time!  but put one foot in front of the other and go forward!   God bless you! 

Hey PK - You were not a bad wife.  None of us are perfect.  Your husband and his mistress are just selfish and self centered, thinking the only thing that matters is them.  I predict they will probably end up cheating on each other - but who knows - maybe not.  Kinda wishy washy right?  That's cause there are no eternal truths for these situations except the betrayal begets pain for the one betrayed and the betrayer will always find a way to validate/justify their behavior.  As for being naive - of course you were, because you trusted your husband to honor his vows.  I was just as naive as you when my wife cheated on me 14 years ago.  I actually facilitated it because i was so sure she would never cheat on me that I believed everything she told me without question and even defended her when my friends told me they were suspicious of her behavior.  Don't beat yourself up on this (I know - easier said than done!)  Get some counseling to try and deal with the pain.  I am still married to my wife and the thought of her affair hurts more today than it did 14 years ago.  It was more than just sex - she left me for the guy and totally destroyed me with her stories of his royal perfectness - which she gladly shared in an effort to totally drive me away.  Then a month after - she asked to come back and I let her.  Found out a few years ago it was because the other man dumped her and married someone else - and that has been the source of my pain since - I am the default guy.  I wish now she would have stayed gone so in my opinion you are probably better off without him.  I know it doesn't feel like it but I truly believe that.  Keep venting on these boards - it does help.  If you have any questions you would like to ask me about the man perspective - fire away.  I think you will be surprised at how similar men and women are when it comes to being betrayed - it just hurts - plain and simple.  Stay strong PK - use the time to get reacquainted with your kids and more importantly, get reacquainted with your self.  That's my two cents and that's about what it's worth!! 

Take care -Kman

Sorry to hear the news. Try to remember that you will be better off without him. It will sting and you many be sad but at least YOU can live your life not EVER having to know what it feels like to have to live an eternity knowing your character is that of a pathetic sole. Whooo hooo! Yeah for them. They made another child in the world.....at the expense of that child. Poor child. How sad to know that kid is starting it's life with two pathetic soles who most likely, didn't plan their arrival. Poor decision makers/dysfunctional people in society, most likely didn't give a crap beyond that 30 seconds of sperm donation to think of the consequences. Thus, the reason for them crapping on the rest of the world. Have a look around at how many dysfunctional people have created other people in the world when ideally, they would have waited or never done so. And because they are surrounded by enablers, they continue to grow in numbers. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction.....sadly. Be honest with your children. Honor them by being factual. Explain, but be sure to use drawings. Teach them all you can about honesty, integrity and responsibility. The more live exercises you do with them on these character building skills, the sooner they will arrive at the truth about your pathetic ex husband. You should never down him to your children. You should make them brilliant, intelligent creatures who will figure it out on their own. Be patient with this approach. Every bit of energy you spend should be to make them live the positive traits of a responsible person of society. Be the best example of this. If you try to point out what a scumbag he has been, it will only send their guilt and confusion sky high. The successful approach is thinking long term. Best of luck. Remember...you're going for the fancy item which takes longer to save for rather than the cheap item from the bargain bin which you can own today. Cheap crap only lasts momentarily.