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kakfitz
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hopeful
July 29, 2005, 10:03 am PDT

Confused Australia

Quote From: 25_01_1980

Hi there

I seem to be the first person here so I hope someone reads this and can give me some advice, I have a six year old son who has no respect for me on an emotional level. He will do everything I ask when asked but will not do his basic every day chores on his own accord and he knows to do it and will always do if he wants something, he is a very intelligent boy and I love him but I can not connect to him emotionally, He won't open up to me and talk about what he is feeling. I believe that he has some resentment towards me as I had to leave him in New zealand for a year when I came to Australia, my mom was fighting for custody of him and had a court order preventing me from taking him out of the country ( I was 18 at the time). How do I get him to open up to me so that we can talk and possibly solve some attitude issues that he has with me. I seem to be treating him like a friend more than a mom and he takes advantage of that. See how confused I am!!!!!

Confused Australia  

Hi there - Sounds pretty frustrating.

If he wont open up to you and tell you how he is feeling, he probably does not know how to articulate it.  He is, after all, 6 years old.  I think we have to learn to teach kids how to open up by confirming what they may be going though and giving them words to have the conversation.  For example "It must be frustrating for you", or "you seem angry", "You seem excited, happy, silly, etc"

 

Someone once suggested to me, that instead of asking how he (my son) is doing, to make statements that allow him to talk.  Here is an example:

 

"Mom has been pretty busy lately huh?"  (he probably will say yes)

 

"What do you think about that?" and then just wait.    (He may very well say I don't know, but at least you put it out there which, if done consistently, sends a subtle message that he can share with you)

 

"Well, pretty soon mom won't have to spend all this time studying and I will have more time to spend with you."

 

A really good book I recommend (If you are a reader) is Parenting with love and logic by Cline & Fay
 
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donnamsilva
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blank
August 10, 2007, 6:49 pm PDT

self-centered at six

Quote From: 25_01_1980

Hi there

I seem to be the first person here so I hope someone reads this and can give me some advice, I have a six year old son who has no respect for me on an emotional level. He will do everything I ask when asked but will not do his basic every day chores on his own accord and he knows to do it and will always do if he wants something, he is a very intelligent boy and I love him but I can not connect to him emotionally, He won't open up to me and talk about what he is feeling. I believe that he has some resentment towards me as I had to leave him in New zealand for a year when I came to Australia, my mom was fighting for custody of him and had a court order preventing me from taking him out of the country ( I was 18 at the time). How do I get him to open up to me so that we can talk and possibly solve some attitude issues that he has with me. I seem to be treating him like a friend more than a mom and he takes advantage of that. See how confused I am!!!!!

Confused Australia  

to confused in australia...........My mother was an elementary teacher and possibly one of the most helpful things she taught me when I was reising my own children was that little ones are basically self-centered individuals who have to be taught what feelings are. When you say 'Don't you feel sorry for me?' to a six year old they have no idea what you really mean. You need to be specific. ie."When you hurt my feelings doesn't it make you feel sad inside your tummy?" Children may like the "friend" approach if it suits their immediate needs or wants but they will very quickly turn it around . If you think he is resentful now wait until he is a teenager. He will 'hate'  having to be your friend.Remember.........you are the parent..he is the child. He needs guidance. Also, he is not a little adult. Children need to be reminded to do their chores......constantly and repeatedly until the chores become a proprity to them in their own lives (which may never be) .So as long as he lives at home potentially you will need to remind him.
 
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