Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'

Susan, 

I have already told my father in no uncertain terms I don't want to get any more messages about my brother, or receive anything from him. My father generally respects that, but once in a blue moon, he brings this up. He doesn't belabor it, because I cut it off quickly. I cannot prevent what comes out of my father's mouth once every few years. 

My father's perspective is that everyone should get along and not have rifts, and of course, that is nonsense without people being willing to deal with the issues involved. 

I thought your comments were very judgmental--and without foundation. I didn't appreciate your telling me you think I have a self-esteem problem. I don't think you have any basis for making that judgment. I have cut my brother off for 22 years. That's self-esteem. And I have told my father, plenty, I don't want to hear messages from my brother. That's self-esteem. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to realize my brother is continuing to try to use my father to get at me.  Again, I cannot prevent my father from ever saying anything to me again about it. He wants to see everyone get along and be together again, but he is overly simplistic and in denial about the way my brother treats me. 

I have cut my father out of my life for many years at a time. I have stood up to him plenty. I continue to. You have no idea.  

I heard my counselor's advice. However, I do think it's simplistic, as well. People are not robots. I continue to have feelings, and I think if there are ways to deal with people that can resolve a problem, that is the most mature thing to do.  

That's what I was looking for when I wrote to the board: to see if anyone had any other ideas about how to deal with it, as well as, I realize now, to perhaps just receive some understanding for what I experienced growing up, and the emotional tug of war of both not wanting the rift to be permanent, if that's at all possible, and protecting myself emotionally by avoiding him the rest of my life if that's what I need to do. 

Obviously, my brother has not had the maturity or sincerity to ask why I have cut him off. I get that. There is a part of me that still wonders if there is a better way to handle things. I think your suggestion to invite my brother to my turf, with my acquaintances might be a good strategy. I thank you for that. 

Is it painful that my father refuses to acknowledge what he did to me? You bet. But it is up to me to decide what is worthwhile for me. And for me, at this point, having limited contact with my father feels best. Not pain free, but better than not having contact with him. 

 I felt attacked by that comment about self-esteem. 

Overall, did your comments help?  

No, because that comment/insult about self-esteem hurt. Not validating or supportive. 

See how I can stand up for myself? That's self-esteem. 

yerba