Replies to 'True Love'

No, you aren't selfish to want more affection! However, there needs to be some way that you can come to terms with the fact that, as you said, thats "just the way he is".... I think that the tension, or feelings of being 'on edge' as you describe when his kids are over, might be due to feelings of low self esteem or low self worth. Your value as a person shouldn't hinge on how much affection your mate gives you, it comes from within YOU. Both of your concerns that you describe can only be solved by you, not some outside source or your fiance. That probably isn't what you want to hear, and of course I'm no professional, but from what I have read in Dr. Phil's books and from my own personal experience, thats my advice to you.  

A very close friend of mine was with a man who was much like you describe your fiance- very good provider, very upstanding and honest man, but he wasn't intimate with her, she finally decided to go to see a therepist due to her depression and after a few months she realized that her self worth wasn't equal to how much intimacy her boyfriend gave her. Its not an easy concept to accept, because I think alot of us women are raised to equate our self worth with men's affection- but they actually don't have much to do with each other. I wish you the best and hope that you can accept the way your boyfriend is, love him with his flaws, or decide you can't and move forward. 

I think I am married to the same type of man.  We are both in our 30's and have previously been married with children.  Along with both of us not getting the love and attention and somewhat abused by our parents, I sought after the same type of person.  He was heaven on earth when we met.  We dated in May, engaged by July and married by December 20 in 2003.  He changed right after the marriage.  He gets really quiet and goes into his "cave" when he's mad and doesn't want to discuss it.  As each day goes by, he is giving/showing less and less love and tells me that maybe 1/2 love is all he is able to give.  His sexual drive went down to where we couldn't keep our hands off each other and now it's down to 2 times a month with me begging HIM.  If your man is not an affectionate man, yes, he may not be able to give more.  But you have to look and see if he shows his affection in non-intimate ways and expects it to take the place of a hug or kiss.  Like checking your oil or building you something or fixing something in the house, he might think that it would please you instead of a hug because he can't give it.

I tried to accept this behavior as a replacement for affection.  It only lasted a few months.  We are now separated with me leaving him because of being mentally and physically abusive and also disrespectful to me.  I left because I knew he just didn't love me anymore and it's only been 3 years.  If he loves you, he will move mountains for you.  He will make time for you.  He will call you just to see how your day is.  If he doesn't, then HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.  Why get married now, when you can wait another few months or years to see if he changes or if you can accept not getting hugs for all that time.  I couldn't take it any more.

I think your husband has this emotional wall up due to the fact that he is afraid of getting hurt again.  This protective wall may have formed in childhood or from a past relationship.  I know because I have fought to let down that wall for many years.  My wall was put up in my early teens as my dad was an alcoholic and then it just got stronger in my early 20's after an 8 year relationship ended and I got hurt tremendously.  This shield that I have surrounded myself in doesn't effect my children, I am loving as can be with them, but I do have it around my husband on some level.  Why?  Because he is the only one I am vulnerable to, he can hurt me just as I was hurt 20 years ago.  I have been to therapy for it and I am better, I have learned to take risks with my emotions.  I learned that that protective wall DOES NOT stop anybody from getting hurt even though I thought it would, it simply doesn't work.  

This wall I had effected my marriage.  My husband had the same complaints as you.  So I started working on it as I know I always had one but didn't know how to get rid of it!  I was afraid of getting hurt again.  Through therapy and finding out where it came from has helped me immensly.  I learned to take risks with my husband.  The crazy thing is was that he WANTED me to be loving and affectionate as he is very much so but I was still afraid of being rejected.  Part of my therapy was to hug him every day, verbalize my love, learn how to be intimate, approach him for a hug and a kiss.  Simple things but I never got that as a child. 

Will this affect your marriage, I think so - it did mine until I learned HOW to get rid of that wall.  And am no longer afraid of being rejected.  Talk to your husband, learn about his childhood and past.  I do believe some people are more emotional than others but I also know that they are holding back because something they might not even realize that happened to them in their early years makes them this way.  They were hurt and are afraid of getting too close to avoid being hurt again.