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Replies to '07/27 Fighting Styles'
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May 1, 2006, 9:30 am PDT
 Quote From: geralding What to say, what can be said. We have this vision in our minds of what love is and what it is, to be loved. Regardless of our past relationships or circumstances, we all want to be comforted and look to our significant other to make all of the bad things go away. I am one the topics of todays show. I've been abused, abandoned, and through it all been conscious of my children's pain. A child, while cannot articulate his or her feelings, experiences, learns from and later emulates everything the parents do. I often and still do, wonder with dread what will be the consequences of my wife's and I s' behavior. What kind of men will my son's become? My wife and I shared similar childhoods of abuse. My experience caused me to be come greatly passive to women. Hers greatly aggressive towards men. Through our faults we both love our children. As I would assume any parent would. However pain, alters perception. In the heat of the moment, in the height of our pain there is a natural response to lash out. To hurt because you are hurt. I was the passive in my relationship for many years. There were times however when I was so hurt, so confused and frustrated that I did scream back. Some how, my eyes would always connect with my sons. I could feel the fear , pain , and anger he was experiencing with me. What to do? Leave? As I eventually did, teaching my children to run from there problems. Stay? As I did, teaching my children to except some one hurting them? My wife is a great mother. She works full time, has her own business and takes care of the children. (After school activities, homework, etc.) As Dr. Phil pointed out there was a lot pain her in heart. It hurts to know that I could not heal that pain. It was often I suggested she seek help, but how do you show some one who loves you their hurt without them hating you for it? What I took from Dr. Phil is that , in a nut shell I brought this pain and suffering on my self as well as my children. In that retrospect I spend most of my time contemplating the future. What to do now? I come from poverty. I do what I can to support my children financially. I'm trying to improve my financial status so that I can provide them all the things and opportunities I did not have. Most importantly I did not have a family.The one thing I cannot provide them. So is my life over? I feel I have failed as a father. I fall to the back up belief that if I can at least achieve financial freedom. I can die with some honor and dignity. Our past dictated our present and the present dictates the future. After reading what you wrote I have to say that it is a breath of fresh air to see a man although who clearly has his faults, own up to his mistakes and give credit to his wife for the good she contributes to their family. People carry baggage with them throughout their lives whether it be abusive, poverty, family issues etc... The goal is to use the strength from those experiences and apply it to your life right now. It seems like you and your wife have communication Issues which is a very common problem in relationships today, but is not at all a reason to be away from each other. It seems that you are a very intelligent man who can express himself very well with words. Do you express yourself like this to her when you are face to face? Do you tell your wife that in spite of it all you appreciate her and thank her for taking care of your children? Everybody needs to hear that there doing a good job every once in-awhile ya know. I am a single mother myself and know how hard it is to be doing it all alone. It sounds like from your words and the emotions put into them that you may still really love her and that there could be a chance that your family can get back together..... You have not failed as a father your children are still young and they need you. You and your wife still have plenty of time to change your ways and be there for your kids and teach them how to deal with people and relationships, it's never too late. If you don't try then you will be teaching them to give up. It must be a hard situation for both of you to have been abused and then to be together. It is hard in the heat of the moment to get caught up in it all and yell, scream, and even hit. Is it wrong? Of course it is, your children are witnessing it. Maybe not directly but children pick up on emotions and they can sense when Mommy or daddy is hurting. You have to stop contemplating the future and deal with the present. Do whatever you have to do to be the father you know they deserve. It is not going to be easy because it involves every aspect of your life changing. You have to ask your self am I living my life in away that my children would be proud of?, Am I working as hard as I can to Financially put myself in a better place to be able to provide for my children? Am I being respectful to my wife and to other woman around me? Am I being honest with myself and my feeling towards my life? Am I making good decisions on a day to day basis that would ensure my life becoming better. There is always something you can improve on in your life! You sound like you love your children a lot and your wife as well. It is time you start living your life for them, and what they need. Your job as parents is to give your children the tools and guidance needed to survive in the world, to be independent citizens, and most importantly to be good loving people who care about the world and other people. Your children will always need you, they need you right now. So if there is a chance that you and your wife can start a new chapter together one that includes better communication, honesty, love and respect then do it. You don't have to wait until your dead to have some honor and dignity you can have it right now! |
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May 1, 2006, 9:36 am PDT
Quote From: geralding What to say, what can be said. We have this vision in our minds of what love is and what it is, to be loved. Regardless of our past relationships or circumstances, we all want to be comforted and look to our significant other to make all of the bad things go away. I am one the topics of todays show. I've been abused, abandoned, and through it all been conscious of my children's pain. A child, while cannot articulate his or her feelings, experiences, learns from and later emulates everything the parents do. I often and still do, wonder with dread what will be the consequences of my wife's and I s' behavior. What kind of men will my son's become? My wife and I shared similar childhoods of abuse. My experience caused me to be come greatly passive to women. Hers greatly aggressive towards men. Through our faults we both love our children. As I would assume any parent would. However pain, alters perception. In the heat of the moment, in the height of our pain there is a natural response to lash out. To hurt because you are hurt. I was the passive in my relationship for many years. There were times however when I was so hurt, so confused and frustrated that I did scream back. Some how, my eyes would always connect with my sons. I could feel the fear , pain , and anger he was experiencing with me. What to do? Leave? As I eventually did, teaching my children to run from there problems. Stay? As I did, teaching my children to except some one hurting them? My wife is a great mother. She works full time, has her own business and takes care of the children. (After school activities, homework, etc.) As Dr. Phil pointed out there was a lot pain her in heart. It hurts to know that I could not heal that pain. It was often I suggested she seek help, but how do you show some one who loves you their hurt without them hating you for it? What I took from Dr. Phil is that , in a nut shell I brought this pain and suffering on my self as well as my children. In that retrospect I spend most of my time contemplating the future. What to do now? I come from poverty. I do what I can to support my children financially. I'm trying to improve my financial status so that I can provide them all the things and opportunities I did not have. Most importantly I did not have a family.The one thing I cannot provide them. So is my life over? I feel I have failed as a father. I fall to the back up belief that if I can at least achieve financial freedom. I can die with some honor and dignity. Our past dictated our present and the present dictates the future. There is a difference between a family split up but all still living in reasonable proximity and a family where you live across the country from each other. You could still be a father and give your children a sense of family if you live close to them. If you live across the country, you become the equivalent of an uncle.
Money is important, but having a father is wa-a-ay more important. |
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