Replies to 'Addiction Support'

I am a recovering alcoholic/addict who is also a substance abuse counselor for adults on probation and parole.  I can offer my experience strenght and hope to you by sharing a few things I have learned (the hard way).  First, for your mother.  The best thing I can ever, ever, do for my children is to give them a sane, sober, emotionally healthy mother.  When mother collapses............children loose hope too.  She needs to get help now!  I turned to alcohol as a solution to problems with a child that were beyond my control and believe me.  I made it much worse.  Al-anon is a wonderful resource for her and will also help her understand the steps it will take for her son to recover.  By working them and putting them to use in her own life, she will see, and pass on the miracle of them to her son.  She will also understand the battle he is going to face to change his life.  Our problem is not drinking or using, that is our solution.  Our problem is our thinking, actions, and perceptions.  If she is full of faith in his recovery, it may help him have faith too.  If she is hopeless for him, he will feel hopeless as well.   

    Jail time is sometimes a very good thing believe it or not.  It gives us some time to clear our head and look at ourselves, hopefully.  The problem will be getting out.  My advise to you is to write to your brother, be honest with him about how you feel.  That you love him and will support any recovery efforts he might make but that you love him to much to enable his self distruction.  Explain that you have no wish to force your will on him and that you will respect what ever decision he makes for his life but you will not participate in them, if they are destructive instead of constructive.  Send him a soft cover AA Big Book, NA book, and some daily meditation materials if you can.   

    Be positive and do not ever think that God can't do miracles, because I am one and there are thousands and thousands of God's miracles all over the world.  Pray for your brother, prayer is extremely powerful and is often the very best thing, (not the last resort) that we can do for someone.  It will absolutely take a miracle for your brother to recover but don't you think for one moment that it can't happen.  If you want proof, go to some open meetings of AA or NA and start hearing some of our stories.  You will not believe it is even possible that we could be as bad as we have been and our lives can be turned around 180 degrees by a higher power that absolutely loves alcoholics and addicts.   

  I hope this has been helpful to you and your family, never give up hope, your hope may be what gives him the strength and courage to have hope too.  Don't enable him, offer him your love and support if he choosing recovery, and your love (from a distance) even if he doesn't. 

Mediation: 

  

Dear Child. You are standing in a very difficult place. Darkness surely hovers over you;  but I will bring you to light. There is a breach that has cost your brother his freedom. Drugs is a form of inhabitation (demonic habit ). If then it being a demon,  then you shall not  support or justify his weakness.  Rather,  you try to heal him.   How?  Please allow me to open the door unto you. Tell him that he has been a victim of abuse, and that God  sends his word from his Holy Tabernacle. He  wishes that he shall not perish:  but rather he be healed, and serve him.    

  

A person who is far gone and out of control: Let me say this. It takes a courageous Spirit to stand up and say  "nay". Speak unto him and say,   "You have a problem,  and  the Lord wishes to help you.  You are on the road to death If you do not face your problem and repent  to God".   You need to say the same thing to your mother about her drinking.  

  

Now if they will receive the Spirit  (to receive him is to accept genuine acceptance) , and will incline their ears unto God by praying and listening for him, he will come unto them and "give them direction".   

  

 But  they have to beleive that there is a God, AS HE IS,  and that it is their only hope.   They both need to "receive the truth".   Sometimes it is hard for a mother to function when her child is in trouble. This is probably where she keeps her distance.  The fact remains that there was a breach that allowed this boy to attain the drugs.  This is where you need to make a division in your life.  Deliver the message, and set you own sights upon Life. They Chose to live in damnation. Do you choose to entangle yourlelf with the problem?  All you can do is deliver the word at this point. Then turn away from death, and seek others to help them.  

  

If drugs are the most important to him, then it is what he will receive.  Drugged out and lost of life.  When God opens the door, man is capable to break anything.  

  

"The Atler" 

An update:  My brother is in recovery and changing his life.  He is coming to live with me and leave his old life behind.  He understand's this is a lifetime committment to recovery.

first and for most id like to introduce myself im 27 yrs old and my name is mike.

ive read your story and i dont think u should help him because of the fact of the matter is u can sit there til your blue in the face and say why did u do it and this and that, but it makes no diffence to me, to me hes and adult and knows right from wrong yeah ive had a hard life but ive never once used drugs or even been in jail because to me life is about choices some bad some good but with like the use of drugs noone says u have to use drugs people choose to and the only thing u can do is give advice and its there choice weather they take it or not, but u must continue to live your life and do what makes u happy is all, and if hes willing to listen to u then that means hes willing to change not for u or anyone else but for himself.....ty for your time i hope that things work out for the best but dont give up on how u live, people who make that choice to change will change it takes time but whats he doing sitting in jail so hopefully its a lesson learned.

It's so hard to know what to do.  Family members so often feel guilty for doing what they think is right.  Two years ago, I was forced to turn my son in to the authorities in order to save my son's life.  So, of course, I was racked with guilt for being what he perceived as a turncoat.  It's not a happy moment when you cause your child to be "in the system."  And, of course, I've felt guilty for years for, perhaps, not being the mother my son deserved.  (I'm twice divorced, was disabled for most of his life due to injuries from a car accident, and have plenty of my own emotional baggage.)   My son was arrested last summer for 2 felony drug charges, including possession with the intent to distribute.  (At age 17, he was selling pot to support his oxycodone habit.)  He was released on probation pending further disposition by the court.  Two days later, his probation officer picked him up at school because it was felt that my son was not forthcoming in his court-mandated drug evaluation.  My son was taken directly to juvenile detention where he was found to have 14 miscellaneous pills (primarily oxycodone) in his possession.  Because of that possession while on detention center premises, he was taken to the local district court for arraignment and charged with possession as an adult because he was then 18.  His trial ion the adult charge is next week.  Meanwhile, he was in juvenile detention for 3 weeks (painfully detoxing from his oxycodone habit) and subsequently sent to a 45-day inpatient drug rehab.  He was then required to do an intensive 5-week out-patient program (3 evenings/week) and submit to urine testing.  All seemed to be going well until last week when he suddenly was "unable" to urinate when the probation officer was at our home.  Since not providing the urine test was a violation of his probation, he had another hearing in juvenile court (yesterday) and was remanded to the detention center until his trial next week in adult court.  One thing I'm guilty of is wanting desperately to trust my son.  I believed he was sincere after he insisted that he never again wanted to suffer from the addiction and detox from opiates.  I was so wrong!  After he was taken to "juvie hall" yesterday, I came home and went through his cell phone's text messages.  It confirmed for me that he was indeed selling pot again.  And I believe he's getting high again as well.  He was permitted to call me after his arrival at the detention center.  I told him that I knew what he'd been doing.  Of course, he denied it up and down then got angry with me for "setting him up" to go to jail again.  Typical denial, manipulation, table-turning... it was MY fault (according to him), not his!  When he started to rant all his BS at me, I hung up.  If he calls me again today, I'll have to tell him that I'll be 100% supportive of him as long as he gets real but unless and until he does that, there's nothing I can do.  And I have to convince myself that it's the right thing to do.  Otherwise, I'm simply enabling him.  I'd rather have his incarceration hanging over me than his death -- either from the drugs or his fellow addicts.  (He was severely beaten when something went amiss during a drug deal.)   And I won't sit idly by while MY life is jeopardized.  (One of his "friends" broke into our home and stole $2000 and some drugs he had hidden in his room.)  Since my ex-husband/my son's father hasn't been in his life for over 12 years, I have no one to support me in my efforts regarding my son.  I second-guess everything I do.  Did I do the right thing?  Will I mess up his live further by dong....?  I can't feel alone any more.  It's impossible to go on like this.  I've taken the first step by contacting Nar-Anon and B.I.L.Y. (Because I Love You).  Both organizations have websites (just Google "NarAnon" or "BILY") that can direct you to local chapters/meetings.  They can't help my son -- HE has to decide to get real about his addiction -- but they can support me, help me stop beating myself up. 

I'm not sure whether you will agree, I have spent over half my life on drugs unfortunately. I know you must hurt,as my family has been. You get let down and want to turn your back the way you feel he has on you by not valueing you enough to not have him taken away, yes, or,no? How ever he got there,ya he chose his path, he needs you. My mom never gave up, I yelled at her many times as she was only desperately trying to help. I was going through my own thing,anger was my response cuz I had no good excuse,she made it so hard to mess up. She was always on me. If she had turned her back, as she did for a short while and gave up I wouldn't have ever made it. I had to be ready for help yes, had to hit rock bottom. Drug addicts can hate what they are doing and still get stuck,fall down, and repeat their mistakes. Understanding addiction, expressing his feelings, and knowing what triggers his use, and what he can do is what he needs.  Trust me he sees he is wrong. He is turning to drugs to escape. Its not directed to you.