Replies to '08/30 Possessive People'

Quote From: rhonnie

When I watched this program I could not believe that MY story was being re-enacted by some actresses.  Some of the details were off but mostly the same story.  Instead of walking in on me in the shower, my mother used to walk into our bedroom in the middle of the night when she came to stay with us.  The first night home after my son was born she came rushing in our bedroom to get him when he started fussing.  I was flabbergasted and reminded her that I had it under control.  I really think that she thinks she is being "helpful".  However, when she would come for a visit, I became a 10 year old little girl, scared to make MOmmy mad.  When Dr. Phil mentioned the Peace at any price it rang loud and clear.  I used to give my husband and children pep talks before she arrived, begging my husband to "just be nice" so it was easier for me.  I've come to realize and regret that I put him in a position that undermined him.  He was stuck between trying to keep me happy and protecting his family.  I have always taken on the role of being in charge of my mothers happiness.  Claudia was right, It's not our job.  But we take on those roles growing up and it's hard to know how to stop it.  Dr. Phil was right when he told the grandma that she was about to lose access to her grandchildren and I am living testament to that.  I tried for years to calmly and rationally  talk to my mother about issues.  I never yelled or screamed, I just let all my rage build and build.  When Claudia was talking about it, I physically felt those emotions again, my palms got sweaty, my stomach did flip flops, my pulse raced and I felt like exploding.  A couple of years ago my rage reached the point where I just couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and I told my mother not to contact or come see me anymore.  She has not seen my children or me in 2 years now.  I constantly second guess myself about this decision, but when it comes down to it, I had to choose between her or my children.  Not that it mattered what I told her though.  She emails me and writes to me all the time and tells me "who am I" to tell her what to do?  Her emails are horrible and mean.  Just recently she sent me a birthday card and in it was a hate mail.  Now,  who does that??  and why the pretense of the nice bday card?? Just send the hate mail and be done with it for crying out loud.  My mother, on top of being over bearing, not understanding boundaries, etc etc, also is not rational.  When a girl in my mothers city was abducted she called me sobbing to the point that I thought someone in my family had died.  Now, I was upset also about the abduction but she insisted I put bars on my childrens bedroom windows and she would pay for it.   She wanted so badly to have some control in protecting my children, but this is a woman who has a weapons permit and carries a gun with her EVERY WHERE.  When my daughter was around 3 years old she had come to stay for the weekend.  Two days after she had gone home she called in a panic to tell me that she had left her gun in my childs closet.  I was FURIOUS!!!  and who would think to frisk your parents as they come in the house.  These are only a few of the examples, there are so many more.  My friends tell me I should write a book.  I had to laugh when Claudia called her mother a vampire, because I call mine a "dementor" (HarryPotter).  For those that don't know, a dementor is a creature who sucks your soul out.  She also has so much control over my siblings that I have referred to her as the godfathermother as well.   Honestly, as much as a I wonder if I've done the right thing, I don't lose any sleep over it and we are a functioning happy family.  I feel like I have control over my life and can breathe for a change.  Also, like Claudia, I don't think it's possible for my mother to change anyway.  I would really like to see an update on this family and see if indeed the grandmother "heard" what he said instead of what she wanted to hear so she could pout and be the victim, that's what my mother would do.     When my mother tells me that I"m not the girl she raised, I do a little jig and shout for Joy.  I think it's the best compliment I've ever had.  I don't WANT to be the girl she raised me to be.  If I'm not, than I must be doing pretty good!!!