Replies to '08/09 A Mother's Rage'
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May 8, 2006, 3:59 pm PDT
 Quote From: binastb42 I have only seen the clips to the May 8th show on "parental physical abuse", I think the clips were disturbing, but I believe that the show will be a mirror for those that are the survivors of raging parents and those that may not know that they have a problem with their anger. I am the survivor/thrivor of such a past. My mother beat my brother, sister and I until we were in our pre-teens. the humiliation, abandonment and hate that my mom thrust upon us as innocents was frightening and devistating. I wore longer skirts to school to hide my welts, belt marks and bruises. "Spare the rod, Spoil the child" is a saying that I heard from both of my grandmothers, both of whom beat their kids as well. With every lash and smack I received, a little bit of my love and trust and pride in my parents fell away. What replaced it was resentment, fear, anger, hopelessness, and despair. I remember asking God, "Why? Why can't I have other parents?" The problem at the time for me was having religious sects of Christianity that approved of this kind of treatment of children, my grandparents legacy of control based on beatings on my folks lead to me receiving all that generational hatred, control, shame, guilt and physical humiliation thrust upon me.....The proverbial scapegoat and I ran out into the desert.....But I didn't die. The good news is that somewhere in my prayers and in my actions I broke the cycle. I had an awakening and I got help because I realized that I was out of control...I may have learned a few things from my folks, but as an adult , I had the responsiblity to come to terms with the past and get help as an adult child of this abuse and heal and heal and heal. I hated my parents for what they did to me and it took a long time in therapy, Ala-anon, and prayer to realize that it wasn't them. It was the disease of shame and fear and hate that shaped them. You don't hate a sick person because they are sick. You hate the disease not the person. Out of this, I came to forgive my mom and dad, I can say that I have excellent boundaries with my mom (my dad has been deceased for 20 yrs.) and although we may have differences, I can love her anyway. I can say that my daughter grew up with a mom that wasn't perfect, but happy and oh so proud of her. I was a mildly strict mom with reasonable demands. "Time out " was punishment. And, although I was the final word on what was in her best interest, she always had a voice and say so in my house, etc. I NEVER LAID A HAND ON MY DAUGHTER! My daughter is in college and is an amazing young adult on a great journey. My biggest hope for those of you that are survivors of parental physical abuse is to get some help to look at and let go of the past and to learn how to live and let live. .....Learn how to thrive not just survive. To let go of the fear and learn how to self-love and trust again. And for those of you that are beating your kids.......STOP!.......You are causing more damage than you know. Please get help, you can live on love only if you give it a chance. Stop the hitting, don't turn them into your scapegoats. The clips from todays show bothered me from the moment they started airing. My heart has been aching as I returned to my younger years. As the oldest of 6 children I was always running interference. The abuse seemed to escalate as my parents continued to have kids that my mother had no idea how to control, (her mother was also abusive) I rec'd my share of blows. I was 15 when I avoided the last attempted beating- I was then a full head taller than my mother- I was pulling her off of my sister who was then 12, laying on her back with mom's hands around her throat-I truly believe that had I not intervened she would have died that day-she attempted to hit me and 'take me down'-I stood my ground for the first time and declared that I was no longer going to be beaten. I reclaimed my power. From the time I could first remember-no matter what we did it wasn't good enough-my mom requested that my father cut special 'paddles' at work, I always wondered why he didn't realize why they kept disappearing-we buried them, burnt them and hid them. Always another would turn up. The pain from putting our hand over our rump to stop the blows is hard to describe and the verbal abuse was so degrading. I know that my father had to work hard to feed his family and was often gone, but I am still daddy's little girl-even though he cut those paddles I couldn't believe he didn't know what was going on. To this day my mother denies that she ever raised a hand when confronted by her children. The youngest never remembered being abused physically, her abuse was of the emotional type. Mom said she was to tired to beat her, she was worn out after she got done with the older kids. I left home at 18 when I married a man who 'rescued' me-there's another story. We now range in age of 35 to 49 and not one of us has escaped without the emotional baggage. I have 4 children, 1 deceased-and 4 grandchildren. I can truthfully say that after going thru my upbringing I have not had the heart or desire to inflict pain upon my kids. My mom doesn't understand why her kids and her grandkids are so distant-I can't feel sorry for her, I mourn the childhood memories. I try to admonish her (she's now into her 70's) when she is hateful and she doesn't get that people don't tolerate the hate. I have even seen here recently try to flip the bird at a passing car that she thinks wronged her. I explain about road rage-she just can't seem to grasp that this is wrong. Her anger will never diminish because she can't acknowledge that she is angry, she believes that everyone should wait on her, (she has a me first attitude) regardless of who else is in the room. She thinks it's funny to be rude and verbally abuse. Her sister has given her a nickname that I find true to form 'sharptongue' , when she first heard this she cried for 3 days but now she embraces it and finds it funny. What kind of emotional baggage do you think she has been hiding all these years?? I find I am more the mother than the daughter. I used to be resentful and wishing I could have been born into my aunt's family, now I am just understanding and sad. Thank God that Karen had the gut's to realize the horror she is inflicting and now is the time to act! t |
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May 14, 2006, 11:12 am PDT
Quote From: binastb42 I have only seen the clips to the May 8th show on "parental physical abuse", I think the clips were disturbing, but I believe that the show will be a mirror for those that are the survivors of raging parents and those that may not know that they have a problem with their anger. I am the survivor/thrivor of such a past. My mother beat my brother, sister and I until we were in our pre-teens. the humiliation, abandonment and hate that my mom thrust upon us as innocents was frightening and devistating. I wore longer skirts to school to hide my welts, belt marks and bruises. "Spare the rod, Spoil the child" is a saying that I heard from both of my grandmothers, both of whom beat their kids as well. With every lash and smack I received, a little bit of my love and trust and pride in my parents fell away. What replaced it was resentment, fear, anger, hopelessness, and despair. I remember asking God, "Why? Why can't I have other parents?" The problem at the time for me was having religious sects of Christianity that approved of this kind of treatment of children, my grandparents legacy of control based on beatings on my folks lead to me receiving all that generational hatred, control, shame, guilt and physical humiliation thrust upon me.....The proverbial scapegoat and I ran out into the desert.....But I didn't die. The good news is that somewhere in my prayers and in my actions I broke the cycle. I had an awakening and I got help because I realized that I was out of control...I may have learned a few things from my folks, but as an adult , I had the responsiblity to come to terms with the past and get help as an adult child of this abuse and heal and heal and heal. I hated my parents for what they did to me and it took a long time in therapy, Ala-anon, and prayer to realize that it wasn't them. It was the disease of shame and fear and hate that shaped them. You don't hate a sick person because they are sick. You hate the disease not the person. Out of this, I came to forgive my mom and dad, I can say that I have excellent boundaries with my mom (my dad has been deceased for 20 yrs.) and although we may have differences, I can love her anyway. I can say that my daughter grew up with a mom that wasn't perfect, but happy and oh so proud of her. I was a mildly strict mom with reasonable demands. "Time out " was punishment. And, although I was the final word on what was in her best interest, she always had a voice and say so in my house, etc. I NEVER LAID A HAND ON MY DAUGHTER! My daughter is in college and is an amazing young adult on a great journey. My biggest hope for those of you that are survivors of parental physical abuse is to get some help to look at and let go of the past and to learn how to live and let live. .....Learn how to thrive not just survive. To let go of the fear and learn how to self-love and trust again. And for those of you that are beating your kids.......STOP!.......You are causing more damage than you know. Please get help, you can live on love only if you give it a chance. Stop the hitting, don't turn them into your scapegoats. I was so moved by your story of how you overcame a childhood of horror, and survivived to become a good , strong person and a WONDERFUL mother! Your story gives me hope for humanity, Also the fact that the reason your parents and grandparents gave for their behaviour was "bible edicts". And yet you never lost your faith in God! You are a truely amazing woman. God bless you and your daughter! |
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August 20, 2006, 8:55 am PDT
Quote From: binastb42 I have only seen the clips to the May 8th show on "parental physical abuse", I think the clips were disturbing, but I believe that the show will be a mirror for those that are the survivors of raging parents and those that may not know that they have a problem with their anger. I am the survivor/thrivor of such a past. My mother beat my brother, sister and I until we were in our pre-teens. the humiliation, abandonment and hate that my mom thrust upon us as innocents was frightening and devistating. I wore longer skirts to school to hide my welts, belt marks and bruises. "Spare the rod, Spoil the child" is a saying that I heard from both of my grandmothers, both of whom beat their kids as well. With every lash and smack I received, a little bit of my love and trust and pride in my parents fell away. What replaced it was resentment, fear, anger, hopelessness, and despair. I remember asking God, "Why? Why can't I have other parents?" The problem at the time for me was having religious sects of Christianity that approved of this kind of treatment of children, my grandparents legacy of control based on beatings on my folks lead to me receiving all that generational hatred, control, shame, guilt and physical humiliation thrust upon me.....The proverbial scapegoat and I ran out into the desert.....But I didn't die. The good news is that somewhere in my prayers and in my actions I broke the cycle. I had an awakening and I got help because I realized that I was out of control...I may have learned a few things from my folks, but as an adult , I had the responsiblity to come to terms with the past and get help as an adult child of this abuse and heal and heal and heal. I hated my parents for what they did to me and it took a long time in therapy, Ala-anon, and prayer to realize that it wasn't them. It was the disease of shame and fear and hate that shaped them. You don't hate a sick person because they are sick. You hate the disease not the person. Out of this, I came to forgive my mom and dad, I can say that I have excellent boundaries with my mom (my dad has been deceased for 20 yrs.) and although we may have differences, I can love her anyway. I can say that my daughter grew up with a mom that wasn't perfect, but happy and oh so proud of her. I was a mildly strict mom with reasonable demands. "Time out " was punishment. And, although I was the final word on what was in her best interest, she always had a voice and say so in my house, etc. I NEVER LAID A HAND ON MY DAUGHTER! My daughter is in college and is an amazing young adult on a great journey. My biggest hope for those of you that are survivors of parental physical abuse is to get some help to look at and let go of the past and to learn how to live and let live. .....Learn how to thrive not just survive. To let go of the fear and learn how to self-love and trust again. And for those of you that are beating your kids.......STOP!.......You are causing more damage than you know. Please get help, you can live on love only if you give it a chance. Stop the hitting, don't turn them into your scapegoats. I know the pain you have suffered. I don't have the spiritual convictions that you do... and my mother can not blame her abuses on her parents as she was growing up along side myself. She was a teenaged mom and continued to have more children before she was ready. She turned 17 3 mths after my birth and had a child every 4 years until there were 3 of us... her problem was being overburdened with something she didnt have the coping skills to deal with and refused any help offered to her. we are a stubborn lot my family and when someone tells us we need help and offers it to us we dig in our heels and reject that help just to prove that person wrong... i am like that. the difference between my mother and myself is that ..... i was smart enough to go asking for help so when given it was taken.. i don't have children yet. i am afraid to have them but yearn for them ... but i don't ever want to be my mother. i love her but i can not be in the same room with her... she is my krptonyt ... i turn back to that small child she destroyed years ago just at the sound of her voice. thank you for the words of encouragement. |
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