Replies to 'Divorce Support'

You can contact me on my yahoo account at Trickster139@yahoo.com and we can independantly email back and forth chatting about our issues as we do have similar things happening!

Keep your mouth shut.  Do not give him any indication you know about the cell bill.  Just file everything away for future use. This is no innocent friendship. 

This is known as rubbing your nose in it.  He wants you to be the bad guy here.

He is NOT READY to end the marriage, but IS ready to move out and have a hoochie on the side.  No logic here at all.

I would not do things on HIS terms at all.  Please do not tell me you are sleeping with him.

Get legal counsel NOW.  Hubby still has WAY too much power in this situation.  Got any money for a PI?

Your story gave ME the chills!  There is such a thing called an emotional affair.  It feels the same as a real affair.  My husband had a "friendship" with a woman from work for 6 months.  He didn't stop calling her or spending time with her even though it bothered me.  He knew I saw the cell phone bills and still didn't care.  It was all innocent, he said.  After that stopped, he started going out more with his friends from work, mostly women.  Again, he didn't care that it made me uncomfortable.  My counselor suggested that I ask him what his level of commitment was to our marriage.  My husband said that he didn't want to work on the marriage anymore and wanted to find his soulmate.  Can you say mid-life crisis?!  BONK!  Frying pan over the head for me - I finally saw the light!  I filed for divorce about 2 weeks later, which was one week after my 16th anniversary.  Today my cheating husband finally moved out of the house; he has been sleeping with someone else for about 6 weeks and couldn't even have the decency to move out.  He has not been remorseful for any of it.  He is 44 years old and doesn't take responsibility for his own actions, especially if they effect other people.  I have not been the perfect spouse, but I am in counseling and will continue treatment to get me through this.  He needs counseling, but is in heavy, heavy denial about his relationship issues.  Now, I am trying to deal with two huge losses: the divorce and his ultimate rejection of me.  And I'm trying to make sure my daughter survives this emotionally, even though her dad thinks everything is fine.  I'm scared, but I also feel like I have a new start to be the strong woman I used to be - before my husband made me wrong about everything in our relationship.  It took me a long time to get to this point and everyone's decision is personal - you have to decide when the time is right for you.  What do YOU want from your marriage?  You deserve someone that respects you and wants to be married to you.  If you are not in counseling, I recommend you find someone ASAP.  If your husband won't agree to joint counseling, then do it yourself.  I did this over 6 months ago and I'm so thankful that I was already getting therapy before this.  I wish you the very best of luck!   

I was married for 10 years.  My ex actually took my 8 yr old daughter to a baseball game with his "girlfriend".  That is how I found out he was cheating on me.  He would talk to her on his cell phone in front of me and use my neighbors name when he talked to her.  I thought he was talking to the neighbor!!!  He told me he wanted out of our relationship the day he took my daughter to the game.  However, he wouldn't move out.  I tried to get him to go to counseling for 2 months.  He went once.  I went every week at least once.  Finally, I told him to move out.  It was one of the hardest and best things I've ever done.  I didn't realize how miserable I was with him.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive.  He never liked any of my friends.  He also didn't like crowds, so we never went anywhere.  I had a allowance of $100.00 per month.  That was supposed to cover my hair, clothing, makeup and anything fun I wanted to do.  However, he could go to the grocery store and blow our food budget and spend $150 on steak and beer.   

I was a stay at home Mom.  I have a college degree and a CPA.  However, when it came time for me to get my license, he said it would cost too much.  I had worked years to get that license.  Luckily, I didn't listen to him.  Now, I have my own CPA firm where my office is in my house.  He tells my daughter that I don't have a real job.   

My suggestion, call your old girl friends and go out for dinner or drinks.  They would probably love to hear from you.  Quit worrying about him so much.  What do you want out of life???  I wouldn't wait for him or get angry.  Do something nice for yourself, dump him!! 

It was somewhere around my 11th year of marriage that I found out my husband was on the interenet.  It has been about 3.5 years, counseling services, and a lot of crying ago now. I have caught him 4 or 5 times on many dating sites and secret emails. What I have read and seen would blow your mind. This from a man that I was deeply in love with and thought I could trust! We are now getting our house ready to try to sell in this awful market so that we can divorce and move on. I am sad, but after much pleading with him I know now that he will never stop. I think, no, I know that I am over it all now. . I really want to send out a message to all women that what you see on these dating sites isn't always what you get. Over the years he has told these women that he was divorced. He has lied to them. I was sitting right here with him the entire time thinking we had this wonderful marriage and all along he was living another life.

So, women, beware! And men (im sure women do it too) just be careful out there.

As for me, if and when I am ready to date again after all this is over, I will never date a man that knows how to use a computer, let alone own one!

When I read this, I could have sworn I typed it. Except we’ve been married 10 years and our daughter turned 12 a week ago. I have been a good faithful Christian and now even my walk with God is not in the right place. I am in a place of vengeance right now and I feel like I can’t stop myself. So I am trying to isolate myself from everyone but he is making it impossible.  I want justice for myself and my child. To me cheaters, rapists and molesters are all the same: people who will stop at nothing to commit a sexual act with disregard for the possibility that they may scar their victim for life. I know a woman who killed herself behind a cheating husband. No legal action was taken. I know a woman hospitalized for being molested as a child. This man was at least arrested. Which is worse? Dealing with the death of your daughter? Especially if U are a Christian like me who believes there is no heaven for suicides (which by the way is the ONLY reason I have not killed myself at this point) or at least being able to visit your daughter and have strength for her healing? Why do I make such a gruesome comparison? Because I was molested as a child. Raped/almost raped (it was a friend of the family and when I screamed he stopped. It went in a little but not all the way, but far enough. I still remember being held down, his weight, his breath etc, which is horrible in itself) as a young woman and cheated on by my spouse multiple times (this 3 year affair is the worst bcuz we went thru 6 months of counseling only to find out he KEPT his girlfriend throughout counseling and would talk to HER about OUR sessions. HE never talked to me about our therapy!) Having experienced all three I can honestly say that this act committed against me by my spouse is worse than the others. This act has me on the edge of my sanity and my life. Where is the justice for me? Would infidelity be as high if it was punishable by law? How do we get a law passed? Research the women who have killed them selves, gone crazy or both to hold someone responsible?

Hello.  I have a somewhat similar situation.  I have many more issues that have affected our relationship though.  However, one thing struck me that both of you mentioned that your husbands have kept you from having friends.  I have researched a lot in the past couple years about our relationship of 23 years in September.  My husband, although I don't really like labels, is narcissist and I recently found a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that discusses Borderline Personality Disorder.

Part of the whole spectrum of emotional abuse, etc is control, manipulation, and power.  I have no proof that my husband has actually cheated on me with another woman but he is very blatent in his behaviors of excessively flirting right in front of me which seems to only phase him if I get upset.  If I do get upset, he then turns the tables back onto me saying that if I were 'giving me the attention I need" he wouldn't be doing those disrespectful and unacceptable behaviors as I call them.

He has admitted to me that he 'needs' that attention from other women to drive him and his ego.  However, on the same note he tells me that if I'd provide it all for him he wouldn't seek it elsewhere.  Well, this is untrue so it's just another 'game' he likes to play which condones it in his mind as well as takes the responsibility off of his shoulders and puts in onto mine 

He went to be with his father in the hospital 1300 miles away last Feb and stayed at his dad's side for 2 months after a surgery on his back went bad and left him paralyzed from the waist down at age 62.  I did support him being there, regardless of him not having worked for the previous 6 months and using our savings which were nearly depleted.  I then saw our cell phone bill, which I had to look over each user since his brother and wife shared the line and I had to figure out their usage and portion of the bill.  One month after being there this number continued to pop up in calls at all hours of the night and early am and all day as well as numerous text messages back and forth.  When confronting him of this the day he got home, having the intuition it was another woman, he had already deleted his call log and texts on his phone but in the same breath said he didn't have anything to hide. 

He said she was a nurse for his dad.  He admitted to confiding in her about not only his father's care, but his personal life, his marital issues, children, etc.  No matter how you cut it, this is an emotional affair and crossing the line!  Period!  He broke the trust.  He met with her outside the hospital, went to her son's track meet with her, the casino, etc yet she was married also.  He had made calls to her at 1:30 in the morning and 5am that he couldn't explain until now, 1 1/2 years later saying she worked nights and alternating shifts so he called her 'private cell phone' to check the status of his father the few times he actually did not stay in the room with him at the hospital.  When asked why he didn't call the front desk like normal people, he said it was too much hassle and runaround.  Excuses excuses but tried to justify himself ALL the time and turn it around.

Borderline Personality Disorder & Narcissism explains my husband well.  Controlling, manipulating,  attempted to cause issues or create issues with my friends and family (because they were a threat to him since they supported me) and I could go on and on.  If this sounds like anything like what you both are experiencing, I HIGHLY recommend you reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"   My eyes are widely open now and I left him 3 weeks ago for the 3rd and final time.  I am scared, yes, but am going to a Divorce Care Christian-based support group, reading this book, getting support from friends and family and keeping myself busy even though I do not have many close friends where I live, they are 1600 miles away from me, but any friend is better than none and friendships build with time together. 

I will check back for replies and will share any support and/or advice I can.  "Pay it forward" as the saying goes.  I am still in the process of healing and working through things, but I now know I am more important than sitting around waiting for him to decide what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do it, who to do it with, and allow him to galavant to have his needs met outside the marriage, in whatever form that may be.  I would rather start my own life over again at 43 years old than still be living this way in 43 more years if I'm lucky enough to be alive that long.