Replies to 'Foster Parenting'
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November 7, 2005, 3:59 pm PST
 Quote From: mrlaamom5 We became foster parents a few years ago with the plan of adopting. All of the parents we attended training classes with were totally set on adopting children under the age of 5, or specifically adopting babies. We didn't have a preference, because we just knew we wanted to be able to help a child in need of a home.
We adopted our youngest daughter at the age of 5 - she is now 10. We adopted our older daughter at the age of 11 - she is now 15. The youngest daughter is absolutely awesome - I couldn't have asked for a more well-behaved child!
Our older daughter, on the other hand, has been a problem for the last couple of years. Drugs, alcohol, running away - all kinds of damaging behavior. I truly believe she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, and she has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This child is not afraid of ANYTHING, and will do anything to please others. If you are considering adopting an older child, get EVERY detail about their childhood history, and read all you can about Reactive Attachment Disorder. These children needs lots of patience and understanding - and I mean ALOT. Our daughter recently ran away from a faith-based drug rehab center she had been in for 4 months. She was missing for two weeks, until finally turning herself in to authorities. While on the run, she did some horrific things that disgust me. We have her in an adolescent psych. facility for a few days of evaluating until she goes into a behavioral treatment facility for 6-9 months - IF she doesn't run away from there. We are to the point where she can't be in our home right now until she comes to an end of herself. My biggest concern is that my 10 year old is very impressionable, and I have a 16 year old son with ADHD who my older daughter has influenced as well.
My husband and I caught the last 20 minutes of Brat Camp on TV last night, and I could see how my daughter would relate to some of those kids with all of her history of hurt and rejection. This has defined who she is, and I've tried to tell her that her behavior is a choice and she has the power to change how she reacts. She won't listen to me. Any thoughts or comments? I'd love to hear them. This book was recommended to me because it addresses ADHD because most children with ADHD don't fit the classic parenting discipline and child bearing rules. THE STRONG WILLED CHILD by JAMES DOBSON. I have read several other books by him. He's great and has a sense of humor. Not the typical lecture style reading. I actually found the book at SAM'S!! Black and gold cover. He specifically targets the defiant children at either age 5 or 25! ADHD children that don't comprehend action vs consequence. Do things out of spite or to be the ruler.
Hope the book is insightgul.
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March 4, 2006, 1:14 am PST
Quote From: mrlaamom5 We became foster parents a few years ago with the plan of adopting. All of the parents we attended training classes with were totally set on adopting children under the age of 5, or specifically adopting babies. We didn't have a preference, because we just knew we wanted to be able to help a child in need of a home.
We adopted our youngest daughter at the age of 5 - she is now 10. We adopted our older daughter at the age of 11 - she is now 15. The youngest daughter is absolutely awesome - I couldn't have asked for a more well-behaved child!
Our older daughter, on the other hand, has been a problem for the last couple of years. Drugs, alcohol, running away - all kinds of damaging behavior. I truly believe she has Reactive Attachment Disorder, and she has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. This child is not afraid of ANYTHING, and will do anything to please others. If you are considering adopting an older child, get EVERY detail about their childhood history, and read all you can about Reactive Attachment Disorder. These children needs lots of patience and understanding - and I mean ALOT. Our daughter recently ran away from a faith-based drug rehab center she had been in for 4 months. She was missing for two weeks, until finally turning herself in to authorities. While on the run, she did some horrific things that disgust me. We have her in an adolescent psych. facility for a few days of evaluating until she goes into a behavioral treatment facility for 6-9 months - IF she doesn't run away from there. We are to the point where she can't be in our home right now until she comes to an end of herself. My biggest concern is that my 10 year old is very impressionable, and I have a 16 year old son with ADHD who my older daughter has influenced as well.
My husband and I caught the last 20 minutes of Brat Camp on TV last night, and I could see how my daughter would relate to some of those kids with all of her history of hurt and rejection. This has defined who she is, and I've tried to tell her that her behavior is a choice and she has the power to change how she reacts. She won't listen to me. Any thoughts or comments? I'd love to hear them. I'm going to paste my response that I made to another parent going through what we are. My 14 year old is on the verge of doing what your daughter has chosen to do. I am scared to death. She is also not living in our home temporarily. It's been a little over a week now. I believe she has the Reactive Attachment Disorder, too. Here is my post about my situation. Unfortunately I don't have advise. I'm here on this message board looking for answers myself. Know that you aren't alone in this, though!
I'm dealing with very same issues as your boys with my daughter who is now 14. She and her brother, now 16, have been with me for 5 1/2 years. My son is doing great now that he is in high school and in the JROTC. It's really turned him around for the good.
It's my daughter whom I'm having problems with now. She is in 8th grade and has really gone off the deep end. She was an honors student until this last semester where she couldn't maintain the required grades to stay in. She is hanging out with a derelict crowd, now considers herself bisexual and an Atheist, and has run away from home twice now (I found her after a couple of hours both times).
I can't figure out what is going on with her and why she thinks living here with me is so intolerable. She says I am too controlling, because I won't let her pierce her lip, dye her hair until her grades improve, limit her internet time to one hour a day after homework is done, and made her put me as a friend on her MySpace.com account so I could monitor her. Oh yeah, she also wants to go visit a "friend" for a week this summer that she met through MySpace. The nerve of me not letting her go! (she says sarcastically).
Currently, she is staying with her old foster mom for a couple of weeks, not as a foster kid, but as a visitor. (Karin, her old FM, is trying to help me out.) I believe my daughter is now smoking pot, as she referred to getting stoned on her MySpace account. (she doesn't realize how much I look at it to see what she is up to) I have contacted her case worker (I'm their legal guardian, and not the adoptive parent at this point) 3 times over the last 2 years about my daughter's progressively defiance, depression and threats of suicide. The case worker has now submitted paper work to the court to make Nikki a "youth at risk" where she now will have to be accountable to the judge.
At this point, I don't know if Nikki wants to come back and live with me or be put into a new home or group home. I fear she will let her stubbornness get the best of her and will decide to choose a group home over coming home to me. The guilt I feel is that I'm not sure if I want her to come back and I feel bad saying that. I believe that she also has reactive attachment disorder and have been reading articles on Borderline Personality Disorder and it TOTALLY describes Nikki.
You are right about the kids getting to make decisions about their future. I want Nikki to come back, but not if she is going to act the way she was. I need her to not run away and call me awful names. This affects the entire family, including her brother.
I'm not sure how this will all end for me, or for you, but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. You sound like you are very loving and have tried hard with these kids, like I have. It is really hard when you put so much love, time, and effort into these kids and they don't feel ANY attachment to you, or loyalty. It's hard, and I have found myself crying at night a lot these last couple of months. I'm a big believer in fate, so I'm hoping fate will steer Nikki, and myself, towards the right path.
Good luck. It's good to know that I'm not alone!
Krista |
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