Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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March 13, 2006, 2:15 pm PST
 Quote From: kobeer My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have a one year old daughter together. I have been wanting to get married for awhile now. I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is a great person and a wonderful father. He just doesn't want to get married. At least not now. He was married before for almost four years and was cheated on. He said at first he wasn't ready to marry again so soon. They have been divorced over two years already. Now his reason is that we get better benefits because I am a single mom. (Financial Aid for college, etc.) Well now we have started taking out loans for college, so that almost seems pointless now. He doesn't even like to talk about getting married. He says that's looking too far into the future. I need to have some hope. I don't want to seem mean and the last thing I want to do is to rush him, but I also don't want to wait forever. I just started back to college and I am only going part-time cause I'm a full time mom. If we wait for me to finish college, that will take years. It's hard cause we have a child together and I feel like if I were to leave I don't have anywhere to go. Should I leave this alone till he's ready or should I ask him about it again. It's been awhile since we have talked about it and I don't know if his thinking has changed. I just don't feel like I get my answers when we do talk about it. I spend more time defending why i want to get married and my reasons are good enough. If anyone could give me advise on how to talk about it or if I should continue to bother. Am I rushing it? Is two years too soon? How can I keep my heart from breaking so much from him not wanting this? I think that there is a big difference between wanting to get married and wanting to stay together. Are you uncomfortable because your partner doesn't want to have a wedding or because you don't feel that your partner is commited? A wedding doesn't necessarily make any relationship more secure. Nor does a lack of wedding necessarily mean that a couple is any less committed to eachother.
Have you really examined why marriage is so important to you? Is it because it would make you feel more secure in the relationship? If thats the case perhaps you shoud re-examine the actual relationship. You shouldn't need a piece of paper to feel secure. Or is it because you like the idea of being married or planning a wedding?
you mention that you are considering leaving your partner but you don't mention any other concerns other than his lack of desire to have a wedding.
Have you and your partner really discussed what marriage means to each of you?
Consider this as an interests vs. positions argument.
get each of you to write out what your interests are, and what your positions are, then compare. Look at your interests and you may find that there are many different ways to meet them. You may be suprised to find out that you are both on the same page.
for example based on your post i would say that your position is that you want to marry your partner. While your actual interests include: your partner being a good father, feeling secure in the relationship, having others see you 2 as stable, not being left with no where to go if this relationship has no future. Marriage is not the only way to achieve these interests, in fact marriage doesn't really provide a full proof solution to any of these interests. Perhaps your partner has all of the same interests but just doesn't see marriage as the solution.
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