Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'

I am engaged and am planning to get married this summer (in just 3 months, so I am writing because this issue is timely).  Things were going well until this past weekend when I was informed that my fiancé’s best friend (and matron of honor) thinks that I do not like her.  We have met but a few times as she lives out of town.  She thinks that when we have spent time together that I do not give her enough attention and make her feel a part of things.  Admittedly I do not treat her like my best friend and have shown her more attention than anyone I have known for 3-4 days, except for my fiancé.  I am concerned for a few reasons.     

First is that my best friend's fiancé seems very jealous.  When we talk she repeats multiple times that my fiancé is her best friend.  It is also obvious that this young woman is dependant on my fiancé’s friendship.  My fiancé is a very caring person and wants to help others and does so sometimes to her determent.  By that I mean in the past 6 months she has suffered from 3 different medical conditions that doctors believe are stress related (2 cases of staff infection and one case of shingles, she is 25 years old).  I see this relationship as being dependant as the friend talks to my friend multiple times a week and during that time there is nearly always something negative that is brought up.  I wish I were exaggerating.  There is always a complaint of some sort.  So much so that last weekend the friend spent an hour discussing how she thinks I dislike her with my fiancé while we were traveling to meet some of my fiancé’s family for the first time.  This is the first time I realized there was a major problem.     

I called her recently and asked her how we could fix things, because this is not good for any of us.  She started going through a list of things she felt bad about and talked for 15-20 minutes straight without pause.  The phone call lasted an hour total.  This friend has brought up these concerns to my fiancé, I then discussed them with my fiancé and we decided that I was not doing anything toward this friend out of spite.  I then considered the issue settled, until the most recent phone call.  I am really at a loss here.  I love my fiancé and have seen how caring she is.  But I also think that she is in a negative relationship that is weighing on her.  I asked her a while back how she deals with the constant negativity and she replied that this friend is needy and that she has been a friend so long that my fiancé does not see it as negativity.  To cap things off the friend has a husband and I don't know where they stand as far as discussing things and how close they are as friends.  And I also think that by always brining her thoughts/feelings about anything to my fiancé she should be discussing them with her husband.     

As a final thought the wedding is coming up.  And to be honest I am opposed to having anyone in the wedding party that opposes our union and will not whole heartedly support our marriage.  As for support, I have met my fiancé’s relatives, other friends and have traveled across the country meeting others.  When I proposed I added the condition that I wanted to meet everyone important in her life before we were married.  To my knowledge no one has objected and all have been happy and wished us well.  I am also concerned that if this friend says yes to our wedding and harbors negative feelings that in the future my then wife and I will argue about something or other, talk to this friend and this friend will validate any negative feelings my wife and I will be having about our relationship.  To add to the problem this friend has mentioned that she is no longer going to talk to me and will no longer bring up any problems about me with my fiancé.  However if my fiancé talks about me then she will discuss things.  I find that unrealistic.  And cutting communication can not be healthy.   

So I am looking to be wise and figure out what to do here.  I want things to work out but I am also afraid that this friend of my fiancé’s will not support our union.  I’d really appreciate help in this matter.  Thank you for taking your time to read this.

   

---Groom in Limbo 
 

I am engaged and am planning to get married this summer (in just 3 months, so I am writing because this issue is timely).  Things were going well until this past weekend when I was informed that my fiancé’s best friend (and matron of honor) thinks that I do not like her.  We have met but a few times as she lives out of town.  She thinks that when we have spent time together that I do not give her enough attention and make her feel a part of things.  Admittedly I do not treat her like my best friend and have shown her more attention than anyone I have known for 3-4 days, except for my fiancé.  I am concerned for a few reasons.     

First is that my best friend's fiancé seems very jealous.  When we talk she repeats multiple times that my fiancé is her best friend.  It is also obvious that this young woman is dependant on my fiancé’s friendship.  My fiancé is a very caring person and wants to help others and does so sometimes to her determent.  By that I mean in the past 6 months she has suffered from 3 different medical conditions that doctors believe are stress related (2 cases of staff infection and one case of shingles, she is 25 years old).  I see this relationship as being dependant as the friend talks to my friend multiple times a week and during that time there is nearly always something negative that is brought up.  I wish I were exaggerating.  There is always a complaint of some sort.  So much so that last weekend the friend spent an hour discussing how she thinks I dislike her with my fiancé while we were traveling to meet some of my fiancé’s family for the first time.  This is the first time I realized there was a major problem.     

I called her recently and asked her how we could fix things, because this is not good for any of us.  She started going through a list of things she felt bad about and talked for 15-20 minutes straight without pause.  The phone call lasted an hour total.  This friend has brought up these concerns to my fiancé, I then discussed them with my fiancé and we decided that I was not doing anything toward this friend out of spite.  I then considered the issue settled, until the most recent phone call.  I am really at a loss here.  I love my fiancé and have seen how caring she is.  But I also think that she is in a negative relationship that is weighing on her.  I asked her a while back how she deals with the constant negativity and she replied that this friend is needy and that she has been a friend so long that my fiancé does not see it as negativity.  To cap things off the friend has a husband and I don't know where they stand as far as discussing things and how close they are as friends.  And I also think that by always brining her thoughts/feelings about anything to my fiancé she should be discussing them with her husband.     

As a final thought the wedding is coming up.  And to be honest I am opposed to having anyone in the wedding party that opposes our union and will not whole heartedly support our marriage.  As for support, I have met my fiancé’s relatives, other friends and have traveled across the country meeting others.  When I proposed I added the condition that I wanted to meet everyone important in her life before we were married.  To my knowledge no one has objected and all have been happy and wished us well.  I am also concerned that if this friend says yes to our wedding and harbors negative feelings that in the future my then wife and I will argue about something or other, talk to this friend and this friend will validate any negative feelings my wife and I will be having about our relationship.  To add to the problem this friend has mentioned that she is no longer going to talk to me and will no longer bring up any problems about me with my fiancé.  However if my fiancé talks about me then she will discuss things.  I find that unrealistic.  And cutting communication can not be healthy.   

So I am looking to be wise and figure out what to do here.  I want things to work out but I am also afraid that this friend of my fiancé’s will not support our union.  I’d really appreciate help in this matter.  Thank you for taking your time to read this.

   

---Groom in Limbo