Replies to 'The Other Woman'

 I like what Lunny wrote to you.     It's simple....    your husband is still grieving a loss.  Love or hate.... it's a loss and it will take the time that it takes.  It's up to you if you want to be there for him, or not.  If you love him enough to go through this with him the way you have been, the way you took on the baggage.... you are going to have to toughen up your skin or get out for your own sake of sanity and self worth.  He says he loves you enough....    and that may be true.  You have to realize that you are in this for the long haul.  This woman is attached to kids and family and she isn't' going away.  It's going to take a long long time for your husband to come to terms.  He's right in not wanting to say anything to her..... the more he says to her, the more power he gives her.  He is giving her too much power as it is....inside his head.  Tell him that.....     "You give her too much power over you" ..... when he starts to spew out more comparison's to the two of you....   tell him.....   " It hurts me when you compare us, even when you are saying that I am better.....   It tells me that you are thinking of her and me in the same spaces...... and I don't want to share your brain space with her anymore"...... he can at least keep it to himself if he can't help it......    And YOU...    You give her too much power as well......    The reason's I can tell is because I myself am grieving a huge loss....   a love hate thing.     I do what your husband is doing.... I can't help it.....     it will just happen all by itself.....  in my head..... I will compare my husband to the other man....   at first I would say things out loud.....   but then I could see my husbands face and the struggle you are going through..... and I began to keep these spurts of my own healing and grieving to myself......       My husband chose to stay with me and make our marriage work....   somewhat like the choice you have made.....  my husband doesn't deserve to hear my detailed inner dialogs of what my emotional turmoil is like inside me still.....       You know what that is like... you are living it.  I'm healing.... I'm moving on.... the pain and the loss and the feelings that go with it are less and less as this process goes on in my life.....    I assume it's a natural process of what this kind of devastating loss does to a person.  Your husband is going through it.   You should be witnessing progress in your husband.....     he shouldn't be like this forever..... but like I said.... it's going to take time.....  
I read an article a while back that really helped me with having to be around family members that I find very irritating to be around .....    I have a sister in-law that I butt heads with....  the article suggested that if you can pretend that these people are simply characters in a movie , or a play...  it puts them on another level of how much power they have over you.....   If you can see them as fictional characters it takes away the emotional turmoil that you would normally invest in having to deal with them....    I tried it....   It really works.....  It helped me deal with the Holidays and having to be polite and simply enjoy the time that was to be had ......    I had to really think about it and get into the mind set.....   try it....  It may work for you and your adventures....as you wait out what your husband is going through.....
SC 

Hey You All:  

I'm back again. Quick update - well my step sons graduation was a couple of weeks ago, remember I was worried how that would turn out. My husband came in for that of course (works out of state) the day before the graduation he was so worried and almost every conservation led to this: I know my kids and I know that they are worried about who to sit with, us or their Mom and her boyfriend. I know that she will have her boyfriend there with her and I don't care I just worry about the kids because they hate to see us fight or get upset (he and the ex) (remember the kids are 24,22 and 18) 18 yr old is the one that graduated. Well he almost made himself sick with worry, I told him to stop this bull crap now! Okay we leave to go and he calls his oldest son and the son tells him that you have to have tickets to get in to the parents section, well they didn't have any tickets for us, he said that he didn't have any tickets either and would not get to sit there either that he & the other siblin had to sit on the visitors side,  he didn't know if they didn't order enough or what. So all the way there it was "I bet she has her lover sitting with her in the parent section, etc." we get there and we have to go to the visitors section - and after about an hour standing (full house no seats) a staff member come and got us and took us over to the parent section. There she was with her boyfriend, his other two kids and another couple that was with her! They had used our tickets and his son lied to us! So near the end of the program she, her boyfriend and the other couple got up and left. Then his kids came over to where we was and sit and talked as if nothing had happened and my husband didn't mention it at all to them, but they ignored us totally while she was there. After the graduation my husband asked the son that graduated why he didn't get us tickets and his reply to that was "I ordered tickets for you, mom, and the two siblins" per school staff you could order as many as needed for your family members (the other couple had their own tickets).again my husband said nothing! Then everyone got together for pictures (not her and her crowd) kids, friends, etc. I was totally left out, not one picture of me with any of them, as if I was a stranger, I was so hurt and embarrassed over this and I let my husband know on the ride home. He tried to explain and to apologize but I was done with this crap, period. Now three days later his son called his Dad and talked to him about several things one being a check that I had written the son earlier for school & misc. , he had forgotten it and left it laying at his Mom's house and she found it and was so mad that I had wrote him a check and wanted to know what it was for, etc. my husband laughed and said, "I love it" I love when she get mad and upset over what you do for the kids, that gets to her", I told him that I didn't think it was funny at all, he said "no it isn't funny it is that I like to see her get some of her own medicine"  Then his son asked him if he wrote her a letter, she received a letter (son said), he went into great detail what it was about and she said that my husband sent it to her, there was no name on it at all but she assumed it was him and that is what she told the kids and they think so to because she said he did.  Well he didn't I do know that for sure because he is out of state and the letter was mailed locally (postmark was local-per the son) he wasn't her at that time so no way he did that.  She probably wrote it herself and told the kids that he did, that is the way she is, she is a lier I know that for sure, she likes the drama and being the center of attention. Just another way to keep this crap going so here I am again asking "What do I need to do"? Just give me your thoughts on this latest update.  

Thanks