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Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'
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May 11, 2006, 11:07 am PDT
 Quote From: normalita Hi all
I have a situation and I am being forced to make decisions I don't want to make. My son is engaged to a girl that he plans to marry on June 24th. My husband and I have a tough situation with my husbands mother. It is one where, we don't speak to her. She is an alcoholic, has been for many many years. She has either done or not done things to our family and we just can't have anything to do with her. My son on the other hand, thinks my husbands mother is wonderful, because she has sent him money and lots of it, when ever our son gets in trouble. She also sends the money because she knows we don't like it. So, now that the wedding is getting closer, my son is insisting on having "grandma" there. He knows how we feel about her and we have said that if she comes, we will not be attending his wedding. He doesn't care how we feel, he is just going full steam ahead. He told us if we make the choice not to come, that it is our decision. He won't talk to us about it. He won't listen to the reasons why we can't have anything to do with "grandma" He just shuts all of it off. There is no way to work this out, he won't talk about it and weather we have hurt feelings over it or not, just doesn't matter to him. Keep in mind too, that this "grandma" has never been a factor in our son's life until just recently. All the while, the kids were little she wanted nothing to do with them. But, as soon as it looked like she could make a statement with her money, and they were over 21,she came running with her big fat check book wide open. She is only buying his affection. But our son can't see it. He thinks she genuinely cares. My husband and I are just heart sick over this whole thing. Iknow what ever decision we make it will be the wrong one and it will effect our relationship with our son the rest of our lives. Our daughter on the other hand, had the same situation, but she returned "grandma's" big check and told her if she couldn't just be "grandma" then no thanks. "grandma" has not contacted her since. It's all about the money HELP! You know that your son's opinion of his grandmother is delusional, there is no doubt. He can’t, or won’t, admit that you are correct about grandma only being around because of her control issues, probably because he likes that money. (very sad!) My advice to you is to not allow toxic grandma to ruin this event!! I know that you feel you can’t go to the wedding if she is there, but, she is going to be there. This is, hopefully, the one and only wedding your son will ever have. You and your husband should go to the wedding, keep away from grandma, smile and be the ‘bigger’ people for this day. As the saying goes: “Living well is the best revenge.” Grandma wants to see family trouble, she wants to get in there and cause problems, so by not going to the wedding because she will be there would be just like giving her exactly what she wants. You don’t want to do that, and you don’t have to do that. Your son is young and immature, he doesn’t understand the dynamics that have been going on for longer than he will ever know. Someday, maybe he will understand where you are coming from. But right now, he only sees dollar signs. I urge you to not allow grandma to take this day away from you, you deserve to see your son make his vows. Even if you don’t stay at the reception for very long, you should still go. |
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May 11, 2006, 11:20 am PDT
Quote From: normalita Hi all
I have a situation and I am being forced to make decisions I don't want to make. My son is engaged to a girl that he plans to marry on June 24th. My husband and I have a tough situation with my husbands mother. It is one where, we don't speak to her. She is an alcoholic, has been for many many years. She has either done or not done things to our family and we just can't have anything to do with her. My son on the other hand, thinks my husbands mother is wonderful, because she has sent him money and lots of it, when ever our son gets in trouble. She also sends the money because she knows we don't like it. So, now that the wedding is getting closer, my son is insisting on having "grandma" there. He knows how we feel about her and we have said that if she comes, we will not be attending his wedding. He doesn't care how we feel, he is just going full steam ahead. He told us if we make the choice not to come, that it is our decision. He won't talk to us about it. He won't listen to the reasons why we can't have anything to do with "grandma" He just shuts all of it off. There is no way to work this out, he won't talk about it and weather we have hurt feelings over it or not, just doesn't matter to him. Keep in mind too, that this "grandma" has never been a factor in our son's life until just recently. All the while, the kids were little she wanted nothing to do with them. But, as soon as it looked like she could make a statement with her money, and they were over 21,she came running with her big fat check book wide open. She is only buying his affection. But our son can't see it. He thinks she genuinely cares. My husband and I are just heart sick over this whole thing. Iknow what ever decision we make it will be the wrong one and it will effect our relationship with our son the rest of our lives. Our daughter on the other hand, had the same situation, but she returned "grandma's" big check and told her if she couldn't just be "grandma" then no thanks. "grandma" has not contacted her since. It's all about the money HELP! I guess what I'd say is that you should go to the wedding and have a good time, do your best to ignore your MIL, but if you don't go she wins. Ultimately it is your son's day and even if you don't agree he gets to have whomever he wants at the wedding. Can you put up with her for one day in order to not completely allienate your son? I think you can because if you were strong enough to cut off the relationship w/the MIL in the first place then you are strong enough to put up w/her for one day for the sake of your son.
Good luck and stay strong! |
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May 16, 2006, 6:01 am PDT
Quote From: normalita Hi all
I have a situation and I am being forced to make decisions I don't want to make. My son is engaged to a girl that he plans to marry on June 24th. My husband and I have a tough situation with my husbands mother. It is one where, we don't speak to her. She is an alcoholic, has been for many many years. She has either done or not done things to our family and we just can't have anything to do with her. My son on the other hand, thinks my husbands mother is wonderful, because she has sent him money and lots of it, when ever our son gets in trouble. She also sends the money because she knows we don't like it. So, now that the wedding is getting closer, my son is insisting on having "grandma" there. He knows how we feel about her and we have said that if she comes, we will not be attending his wedding. He doesn't care how we feel, he is just going full steam ahead. He told us if we make the choice not to come, that it is our decision. He won't talk to us about it. He won't listen to the reasons why we can't have anything to do with "grandma" He just shuts all of it off. There is no way to work this out, he won't talk about it and weather we have hurt feelings over it or not, just doesn't matter to him. Keep in mind too, that this "grandma" has never been a factor in our son's life until just recently. All the while, the kids were little she wanted nothing to do with them. But, as soon as it looked like she could make a statement with her money, and they were over 21,she came running with her big fat check book wide open. She is only buying his affection. But our son can't see it. He thinks she genuinely cares. My husband and I are just heart sick over this whole thing. Iknow what ever decision we make it will be the wrong one and it will effect our relationship with our son the rest of our lives. Our daughter on the other hand, had the same situation, but she returned "grandma's" big check and told her if she couldn't just be "grandma" then no thanks. "grandma" has not contacted her since. It's all about the money HELP! It's HIS wedding plain and simple. It seems that your husbands mother did provide some kind of help or service that your son wanted enough to accept. So if he wants her to come as appreciation, let her, and you and your husband shouldn't be absent either.
A lot of people , especially those with big weddings,invite everyone they ever shook hands with twice and their dog!
I once got invited to the wedding of a co worker I knew for only 3 months! I went to the wedding of my aunts friends daughter who I never even met!
So I see no problem with inviting a relative that prevously wasn't a part of your lives if you can invite the next door neighbors baby sitter or whoever else is of casual association.
I thought we as a society had gotten beyond the practice of disowning our kids at the drop of a hat.
Grandma may APPEAR out of nowhere when it is convienient for her, but if you DISAPPEAR over the decisions that your son and his bride have made about how they want to spend THEIR day, its not much better. |
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