Message Boards
Replies to '05/12 Toxic Relationships'
|
May 11, 2006, 1:53 pm PDT
 Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy?????
It doesn't sound like your husband is concerned with anyone's happiness. Only controlling you and your child. |
|
|
May 12, 2006, 6:27 am PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? This man has issues. And yes, He IS controlling! He has no right to impose punishment on Chris; That's YOUR job! He has no right to insist that you have no relationship with your family, threatening to take away your baby if you do! That's blackmail! He is spiteful, punitive, inflexible and cruel. Go for counselling (I'm sure he'll refuse as he is not the one with problems) but you go, get strong and protect Chris and Kyle from this man. He has NO right, NONE, to call your child names. He will destroy this boy with his BS and be assured that Kyle will suffer the same fate. Go get help and tell him to shove his "any enemy of mine is yours too" philosophy where the sun don't shine and don't let him bully you or your children! Good luck! |
|
|
May 12, 2006, 7:57 am PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? You can answer your own question. Your husbands behaviour is not loving. You know its not appropriate to punish a child by restricting access to school activities that affect grades. You know it's not appropriate to ground a child for a week because he goes to get a toy and leaves his brother unsupervised for a few minutes. You know it's not appropriate to call a child derogatory names Your parents are right, you do need to open your eyes. Your husband has bad character. That said , your husbands treatment of your son is probably partly biologically based. Eliminating or reducing your irst childs importance means his own needs and "his" babies needs get more. On some level your husband sees his interests in competttion with your first child's. It takes a man of good character to overcome that. Your husband doesn't have it. |
|
|
May 12, 2006, 9:30 am PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? It is your job above all things to protect your child both physically and emotionally. This does not mean undermining your spouse in the presents of your child unless you are preventing abuse. This means when all is calm after an incident you talk it over and ensure your child is treated fairly. If your spouse does not want to listen insist on counseling. If you still feel your child is being treated unfairly take your children and build a life where you can ensure that child is safe and treated fairly.
What ever you do don't rationalize the miss treatment of your children.
This is why I think it is very very important for all parents to put themselves in a position that they can support and care for their children and not depend on someone else to do it. When you can’t take care of yourself and your children you might be tempted to make compromises that are not in their best interest.
|
|
|
May 12, 2006, 11:30 am PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? While I am no expert and in a huge mess myself, (my son is 10) I can tell you, that I have a similar problem here. my son and my husband have not liked ( trying to avoid the word hate) each other since I met him, when my son was 3. Seems the day i met him, my son has acted up and just not been happy with things. I thought he'd grow out of it, but he hasn't, though they tolerate each other, I am in the middle of every single thing in this house always defending my son and trying to keep them from talking to each other unless i am sure it is a good conversation. I think some men just cant "do it" they think they can, they want to be able to say so, but they cant be a parent to another child. maybe i am worng, but this looks awefully familiar. It kills you a lit;le each time you have to endure an episode with them and eventually you might end up like me, a loonie on the loose. if you can move out i would. you'll be happier in the long run. you dont have to get divorced, but maybe a year or so apart would help? good luck and I am soo sorry you are having this trouble too, i know its heartaching. leeann p.s. keep in mind, he's YOUR son.. YOUR the boss, whether he likes it or not.. thats what I use here on a daily basis. |
|
|
May 12, 2006, 3:59 pm PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? Take both your sons and go to your parents or somewhere you can be protected.
Get an order to have him stay away.
Your parents deserve better. They won't be here much longer and you will forever be sorry that you did not see them.
He can not just keep your second son...get advice from a lawyer or women's center.
Do you want your children to grow up like him..? Please protect them...
I know my mother did not protect me and it is with you for life... You sound like a wonderful mother....I think you parents are right... Open your eyes... do you really want to grow old with this man!!
HUGS... you can do what is right... |
|
|
May 12, 2006, 5:01 pm PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? Your husband is abusing you and your kids. He is isolating you from your family, threatening to take one of your kids away from you if you see other people who love and care about you! He is verbally abusing your son. These are only the early stages of abuse and are warning signs for what may come. Even if it doesn't get worse verbal and emotional abuse are still abuse and will change your son forever. |
|
|
May 12, 2006, 7:33 pm PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? It is your job as Chris's mother to remove him to a place where he is safe. He is being emotionally abused on a daily basis by your husband, and he is being warped by your failure to protect him. This will effect him for the rest of his life, count on it.
You may think that the reason your husband picks on Chris and not Kyle is because Chris is not his own. Just wait. A man with your husband's type of character flaws does not feel threatened until his child begins becoming his own person-- around age 8. This is the age when molestors start molesting their children. It's the age when controllers begin their lifelong campaign to batter down their children's egoes.
Sometimes it goes differently-- there's a man across the street from us who had two sons. He chose to continually ride his eldest, give him the silent treatment, ridicule him. He worshipped the ground the younger son walked on-- continually holding the younger's achievements up to the elder, rubbing his face in it. Meanwhile his wife (who he always verbally abused) became an alcoholic, and now at 60 has cancer. His elder son died at 20(health complications of having been a coke addict), never having finished school or gained any self-respect. This doesn't mean the youngest came out OK. He will keep on achieving out of fear-- deep down, though he hides it from himself, he knows his father can turn on him at the drop of a hat. He will keep on blocking out his true recognition of how his father steadily destroyed his mother and brother. Someday with luck he will face his rage and grief, and mourn how he was robbed of the people who loved him. If he doesn't, he is doomed to repeat it all, probably as the aggressor.
I'm not exaggerating. I'm 56 and I've seen variations of the same pattern all my life. You can't just take Kyle away, but you can see a lawyer and get things in motion. The goal would be to have Kyle safely in your custody, with friendly visiting relations with his Dad, for as long as possible. That will give him a strong foundation to work from, when it comes time to learn to deal with his Dad. |
|
|
May 28, 2006, 9:23 am PDT
Quote From: benjione I have been remarried for almost two years now and have experienced a whole lot of emotionally draining issues with my spouse. He is very stubborn and whenever we argue, I find that I am the one ending up saying I'm sorry and that he is right for feeling the way he does. I have a nine year old son from a previous marriage who is a great kid and loves his new home and step dad. He is your typical kid who you have to constantly repeat things two to three times and he fibs about little things once in a while. He is great in school and is full of life. My husband however, feels that he doesn't listen and his head is in the clouds most of the time. In the past he has called him dumb and stupid and I told him repeatedly that his is not right to call him names is destructive to his self esteem! He said if that is what he is then that is what he is! I completely disagree. I asked if he really cares about him and he said of course he does. He cares that he is a good boy and listens and wants a good future for him. He doesn't seem to understand that his behavior is pushing our son away instead of closer. We have a 15 month child together and the most recent incident was when he fell in the yard and got hurt while our oldest was playing with him. My husband was in the backyard working while this all happened and said that Chris left kyle to get a toy and didn't tell him. The result was Kyle got hurt and Chris was sent to his room for one week! I thought that the punishment was too harsh and that Chris new that he did wrong by leaving his brother alone. My husband did not talk to me before he decided on the punishment and said he did not want to speak with Chris or see him when he gets home from work. We had an evening science fair two days later and he refused to give him permission to go even though it meant getting a lower grade in school. I could not stand to see that happen and took Chris to his science fair. My husband was furious and said I created the problem and because of that he will continue to not speak to our son. It is now a week and a half and that little boy says hello and good morning with no response from his step dad. HELP!!!!
The other draining issue is that one year ago My husband and I had a huge argument with my family, mainly about him and our relationship has been severed. Chris, our son, was practically raised by my parents and now does not get to see them. I have begged my husband to mend the relationship and he refuses. He says that I am free to see my parents but if I do I could pack my bags with Chris and Kyle stays with him. How could I do that??? I could not see my kids torn apart. I think of parents who are in there 70's everyday and pray that something will give. They want to put the past behind but my husband refuses and will not have anything to do with them. He said they are not allowed to contact us or visit our home. I was so close to my parents, it's like someone ripped half my heart out. My parents say that I need to open my eyes for my sake and Chris's who is at such an impressionable age and misses his grandparents. I tell my husband carefully how I feel in fear if my Dad or Mom dies I couldn't live without having peace. He argues that I don't stand by him and back him up like I should and that is the chance I will take - but I hope you will not resent me for it.
If you truly love someone...wouldn't you want to make them happy????? So many behaviors here in your post describe emotional and verbal abuse.
More than just red flags. He is controlling and abusing you and your children.
Chris is your child...and you are the one that needs to discipline him...and in a reasonable healthy fashion. Thank heavens you stood up for what was right and took Chris to the mandatory school science fair. Even if it was not mandatory, he should have been there, too.
Sounds like the father was not watching the children...its not the young man's job to parent or babysit the younger child. Ostracizing the 9 year old and not speaking or acknowledging him is a form of abuse....emotional abuse and it is unacceptable.
How can you stand by and allow this to happen to an innocent child.
Your husband is abusing the young child and you.
This deal with your parents....I see that as your husbands control at work and he also is ISOLATING YOU FROM A SUPPORT SOURCE AND LOVED ONES....You need to go to see your parents and not allow your husband to prevent you and the grandchildren from seeing and having time with them....YOUR HUSBAND IS ISOLATING YOU FROM FAMILY.....another abuse tactic of Controlling and Abusive Men. DON'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN ......THIS WILL GET WORSE..
YOUR HUSBAND IS THREATENING YOU WITH LOSING YOUR YOUNGEST CHILD...another abuse tactic and a way to keep you SCARED and UNDER HIS CONTROL AND ABUSE.
If you go see your parents he will punish you. WHAT AN ABUSER AND A BULLY.
You need to take a stand....you have rights as a human being......you have the right to see your parents and any other family or friends that you choose.
You have the right to take both kids to see their grandparents.....and you have the right to go without any abuse or control standing in the way.
YOUR HUSBAND IS CONTROLLING AND ABUSING YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR FAMILY....can't you see that?????? He is isolating you.
He is abusing you daily with his tactics and antics. HE IS CONTROLLING AND ABUSIVE.
He is doing all this intensionally so that you are easier to abuse and control.....you are allowing him to imprison you......he controls and abuses. He is breaking your heart, your spirit, and you are questioning what you know is true. You even apologize when you have done nothing wrong.
You were close to your parents and that's why he is doing this to keep you to himself.....he will continue to close your world while he tears you down....breaks your spirit.
You are "walking on eggshells" with this guy instead of doing what is right for you, your children and your parents.
You allow him to control and abuse you through fear.and his bullying.
Why should you stand by an abuser, a bully, or a controlling guy as he destroys things one person at a time.
None of his actions are coming from a place of love........he is abusing and controlling everyone...and you are allowing it to happen.
|
|
Return to the Message Board
