Replies to '09/05 The Divorce Experiment'

I've been there myself but for me it took 31 years to get out. My fault for ever putting myself through it for so long but we have three sons that I would have and still would do anything for. So my feelings and my wants and needs were put on hold until they were grown up and left home, once the last son left home so did I. What a horrible life living this way. I worked full time, did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything the kids needed. He worked and helped pay the bills, that was his job to hear him tell it. The wife's job (in his mind) way to cook, clean, raise the kids, be a wife and run the house and of course work a public job, while he did what he wanted to do. Yes, they do change once they say I do!

i agree with you.  i was told that the women change when the "i do" comes out.  i have been with my spouse for 12 yrs and i am still with him and love him more than anything in the world, but i truly believe that when they say "i do" it becomes something of what they expect or desire.  i think it is the whole son leaving the mothers nest or something.   They need to be taken care of.  I am sorry to hear that yours didn't last any longer than 5 years but I am very set in my ways that I will get what I want out of this marriage and it will soon be my turn in this.   I have to in a happy sense in this that I am getting what i want and need finally and it has taken a long time to get there.   So if anyone else is reading all of this that might agree that the men are sweet talkers in the beginning and then the demanders in the end well they are and it sometimes does get better.   Hang in there! Or do even better and get the upper hand in the beginning before the "i do" comes about.   Good Luck!   

I agree. My ex husband was charming, caring, loving, attentive, understanding, a real Prince Charming......until I said "I do". Once those words were uttered, the rules changed and so did he. This is the normal behavior of an abuser/controller. Once you marry, they think they own you. They no longer have to be nice, at least not in the home. They are all about appearances. To the world they will seem so charming, loving and caring. Behind closed doors, out of view of the public, they are Jekyl and Hyde....literally. Appearances are everything to them. They are very, very insecure people. It starts out as verbal abuse, goes to emotionally, and if you stay long enough, it becomes physical. Most people don't realize that name calling, put downs, pushing, shoving, not allowing you to sleep so they can agrue, blaming, forcing you to do things sexually that you don't agree with, isolating you from family and friends, it's all abusive behavior. I even stayed after he jumped on top of me one night, while I was asleep, and started to strangle me. Why? Well, he was angry because I had taken a stand about his son, I stood up for myself and was not going to be the family doormat any longer. This was a first for me and oh boy, he reacted. I learned it was best not to react to him if I wanted to be safe. After awhile though, he would get violent because he wanted me to react, he needed to argue. Sick. Why did I stay with him? I stayed out of fear and embarassment. I had no job, no money, no accounts in my name, would have no health insurance and had some health issues, afraid that at 57 I was no longer employable, I no longer had contact with any of my friends, embarassed to admit to my family that yet another man had abused me, and I had another failed marriage. There is life after abuse. A new beginning.