Replies to '08/31 Son-in-Law vs. Mother-in-Law'

I agree that there are too many mother-in-law horror stories, and it gets so it's just sensationalism.   I think everyone deserves a chance - and another chance - and another chance ... families are torn asunder by all kinds of things from gossip to control issues to abusive behaviours.  But, if there is any possibility of some measure of peace between people who are either related by blood or entwined in relationship - then every possibility for reconciliation should be explored.  

When a parent is out of control, adult children need to maintain their self-control - if they know how.  

Toxic parents exist; everyone has seen the sad results of their sick way of dealing with their families, but not all mothers and fathers should be tarred with the same brush.  

Parents are not "just people"; they are the people who gave life.  I've never known perfect parents, but 99.9% of the parents I do know would willingly lay down their lives for their children.    

Discard them as easily as anyone else? Anyone else was not in that delivery room giving birth. Anyone else didn't spend years raising and housing and feeding that child that is now a woman and trying to forget where she came from. And you talking about she has no benefits or she trying to create some benefits she's not entitled to? She gave the benefit of life in the first place and deserves....no commands a little bit of respect. I was taught you don't ever talk to or treat your mother like that. You might humor your mother by letting any gripes or complaints go in one ear and out the next, but you keep your mouth shut and always show your respect. People put up with way too much crap from their parents? You obviously don't have a good relationship with your parents because that should have never come out of your mouth or you must be a son-in-law dealing with issues such as these. I don't even have any kids, but I am married and you let my husband even think of talking to my mom like that and I will sign the divorce papers that day. And I put that on everything I love. And believe you me, I love my husband, but even if years down the road we, for some god forsaken reason don't make it, she will always be my mother, no matter what she is doing or is not doing to make my life miserable. And wnen he's gone she will still be here being my mother, my blood. You people have your priorities mixed up.   

1.  No more free babysitting..I know several grandmothers who practically raise their grandchildren, because they have been told they will not see them otherwise.  This was attempted with me, too.  Surprise!  I said ok I will  not see them if I have to sell my soul to do it.  These retired women have no time to pursue the things they retired to enjoy.  For their children, retirement = LOTS of time to cater to them. The parents of these children both work so they can have zillion dollar houses to impress their friends.  At the same time, Grandma (if she is lucky enough to be called that..I got stuck with MEEMAAW) is treated like a senile old fool.  Interesting that they entrust their children with such a "horrible, stupid" old person, isn't it? 

2.  No more money from Mom, so they can take trips, party, entertain, etc. 

3.  No one to order around and dump/blame all their troubles on...they are stuck with each other without this convenient scapegoat. 

4.  Possibility of losing inheritance..tsk, tsk. 

5.  No one to run to when their "cutesy" little life falls apart.  Since they cannot blame an absent grandparent, they just cannot imagine WHAT went wrong.  Unless they are as "creative" as mine and say that my absence caused all their troubles. 

Yes, I know I sound bitter.  I have every reason to be.  I have many very loving and supportive friends, as well as othe family members.  I have no problems getting along with anyone else.  I did my level best to be a good grandma and mother in law.  I know now it can never work.  I have been to counseling about this (a doctor, a priest and a therapist) and was told told that I cannot fix it.  My only choice is to let it go.  The alternative would be to be used up and thrown away. 

Another thing, how come these mothers have to sit on these shows alone with no one to lend moral support, while these couples gang up on her and eat her up alive, with the "help" of Dr. Phil? 

Of course, they don't owe her anything.  HOWEVER, SHE DOES NOT OWE THEM ANYTHING EITHER!  My dear friends and my stepchild "lend" me their kids and grandkids because they feel sorry for me (I don't particularly need that, either) but it is a nice gesture, and I love them for trying to make me feel better about the loss of my own.  I suppose my BIG question here is "WHERE IS THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS ISSUE, DR. PHIL??????" 

 I agree that when one has a difficult mother-in-law, the solution is just to forget about her and move away to another place. Of course this hurts, knowing that she is the mother of one's spouse. The one thing mothers fail to realise is that once their kids are finally men and women, their (mother's) parenting role should not cross boundaries into the children' homes. Grown up children should be given a chance to exercise what they have learnt from their parents as children, without the interference of parents. After all if a mother believes that she brought up her daughter/son well enough, then why would she not have the confidence to let the daughter/son run his/her own marriage? I believe that nasty mothers-in-law are insecure people who are just guilty of their poor parenthood performance. They should be ignored and left in the shadows. After all they have already lived their own lives/marriages. Why not then live the children alone to live theirs? Of course good mothers  always advise their adult children on a number of things and then leave them to decide wheher to use the advise or not.  and In any case a mother-in-law must earn the respect of a daughter/son in law. Respect can never be demanded!  

She can as well remain just a "mother-in-the-law" (one who the natural law of marriage recognises as such) and not a dependable mother figure in a marriage to be resorted to for good counsel and advice in times of need.  

s.m.l.k  

I agree to a point.  However, you should never completely close the door.  What if they are willing to change.  You can't live your life waiting for that to happen.  But you should at least be willing to entertain it if it does.