Replies to 'Afraid to Ask for What You Want Sexually?'

juballl

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May 16, 2006, 1:42 pm PDT

Due to his bruised ego...

Quote From: hopev3

Hi Juball,
Thanks for the feedback. It all sounds great, and I would probably feel wonderful if he did those things, orgasm or not. The problem is that he is convinced that it's something psychological that's going on in my head. He says that I am too used to getting off by myself, and need to teach myself to be reactive to stimuli that would be similar to the positions we are in when we're together. I've actually been able to reach orgasm once in front of him, by touching myself while having him caress me, so since then he's been feeling useless. He also says that he's made other women come before me, so according to him something must be wrong with me. I think though that the real reason he is saying this is because his ego is so hurt that he cannot admit that he could do things a bit differently.

And even if I ask him to do all these things that you wrote about above, he will most likely feel forced to do them and not enjoy them because of that. I don't know how to ask for them without sounding like I'm forcing him to do these things, and how to make him uderstand that it's actually supposed to be enjoyable for him too. I have asked him to pay more attention to foreplay before, he did all these wonderful things, but after a couple of times of trying and seeing that even then I still didn't get off he gradually put less and less effort into them.

So the bottom line is that yes, I would like to ask him to do all these things to me, but HOW do I phrase it? I can't just ask him to cook for me, then run me a bath and massage me for an hour.. or can I? I would really feel selfish asking for that...

You are going to have to kind of walk on egg shells in the beginning. Again he is wanting to blame you, otherwise he will have to admit he is not doing his job. At some point in time, when, again, sex is not something that is going to happen, bring the subject up. Maybe if you bought a book you could bring it up then. Talk about some things you found in the book that sound exciting. Let him know that you having an orgasm every time is not as important as he making love to you in a slow erotic way. Talk to him about how women and men are different, and women will get an emotional satisfaction by their man taking the time and making love to their body, and he showing you the attention, and pleasing you is more important than the orgasm.

Yes, you can ask for it, and not sound selfish. Talk to him about the two of you writing down things that would be exciting to you individually. Both of you make a list of maybe say five or ten things, and place them in a jar, or something, and then on a special night, take turns, different nights in the beginning, and have the other draw one of the papers out of the "jar' and that be the surprise for the night. Make a kind of game of it. Maybe that would take some of the pressure off it, and at the same time, the two of your sex life may improve. After making the list, make sure BOTH of you are into whatever is on each other's list. No one should be made to do something they are not excited about doing. In other words, something that would be a turn-off for one of you, not something that is just thought of as too much work.

I have had several women in my life over my vast years, and I can only think of two women that had orgasms during every love making experience. Yes, every man has ego problems, but your husband is using his as a crutch to not face his own inadequacies. You have to think of ways to word things where it doesn't sound like you are blaming or accusing, and if attempts to turn it around on you, and talk about how he has been able to help other women in the past to have orgasms, then don't accept it. Tell him that may be true or not, (y'all are great at faking it) but that has nothing to do with "your" relationship. In your relationship it is not happening, and you are willing to work on it, and when you don't, don't make it a big issue, unless he quits trying. The millisecond he begins to slack off his end, bust him on it. You can use kid gloves to a point, but he needs to accept that since you are not reaching orgasm, with the two of you having sex, the problem lies somewhere in between the two of you, and the two of you should work in harmony on obtaining the goal.