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Replies to 'Addiction Support'
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May 18, 2006, 4:19 pm PDT
 Quote From: christymul Hello, I met my current boyfriend 4 years ago while visiting a friend of mine in court appointed Drug Rehab. Yes, I know, he was in Drug Rehab, I should have known better, but my first thought was of the quote in the bible: when I was in prison, you came to visit me Matthew 25:34-40. I just thought, if it were me, I would want a friend to visit me. So that is how it all started. I thought I was meeting someone who was trying to change their life, make it all better. I was so wrong. 4 days after he got out of Rehab, he disappeared for 3 months. I thought something terrible had happened to him, so I spent every night searching the streets for him. I finally found him, I should have stopped when he disappeared. I have spent the past 3 1/2 years listening to the lies, the deception, the mood swings, the yelling, the name calling, the cheating, the not coming home, the not picking up the phone for days, the nights of crying myself to sleep, and just asking myself Why? Why do I put up with this? Why of all people did I have to fall in love with him? Why can't he just stop, and look at what he is doing to me and to himself? His is slowly killing himself, and all I can do is sit there and watch him. If I ask him not to do it around me, he will just sneak around and do it. And with the drugs comes drinking and with those two things, comes the cheating. Again, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't even act like he loves me enough to be faithful to me? Oh, I forgot to mention, I am trying to do all of this with him, while putting myself through Medical School. He has no job, so all the bills are mine to pay, do any of you know what medical school costs these days? Thanks to his wonderful habit, he is about to be put in jail for the next 6 months and then 3 yrs probation. Again, the bible verse comes to me as I write this with the tears streaming down my face: When I was in prison, you came to visit me. What do I do now? Do I follow my heart and stand by him, waiting to give him a future that most drug addicts only dream of, living the life of a Doctor? Or do I follow my head, and use this time apart to get out? Sometimes, I just wish I understood what kind of hold that drug has...why nothing else ever seems to matter, not even when I sit there in front of him crying...begging. It has not only turned him into someone else, it has also taken me to a very dark place in my life. A place I don't like being. I don't like to feel like this. I want to feel loved, by someone who doesn't put me second to an illegal substance. Any time you want to chat...anytime anyone wants to chat, I'm willing to listen. If your willing to listen to me in return. email me: christina.mullins@rfums.org
MY HUSBAND IS IN PRISON AND COMING HOME SOON, HE HAD A HEROIN ADDICTION WHEN HE WENT IN. I ALSO FEEL I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO ABOUT THIS. I WOULD LIKE SOME HELP, RESORCES FOR WHEN HE COMES HOME. WE HAVE A 13 YR OLD DAUGHTER AND I'M AFRAID HOW THIS WILL EFFECT HER. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND WANT TO SUPPORT HIM IN ANY WAY I CAN, BUT I ALSO HAVE TO DO WHATS BEST FOR OUR DAUGHTER. I'M SCARED. |
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May 18, 2006, 4:43 pm PDT
Quote From: christymul Hello, I met my current boyfriend 4 years ago while visiting a friend of mine in court appointed Drug Rehab. Yes, I know, he was in Drug Rehab, I should have known better, but my first thought was of the quote in the bible: when I was in prison, you came to visit me Matthew 25:34-40. I just thought, if it were me, I would want a friend to visit me. So that is how it all started. I thought I was meeting someone who was trying to change their life, make it all better. I was so wrong. 4 days after he got out of Rehab, he disappeared for 3 months. I thought something terrible had happened to him, so I spent every night searching the streets for him. I finally found him, I should have stopped when he disappeared. I have spent the past 3 1/2 years listening to the lies, the deception, the mood swings, the yelling, the name calling, the cheating, the not coming home, the not picking up the phone for days, the nights of crying myself to sleep, and just asking myself Why? Why do I put up with this? Why of all people did I have to fall in love with him? Why can't he just stop, and look at what he is doing to me and to himself? His is slowly killing himself, and all I can do is sit there and watch him. If I ask him not to do it around me, he will just sneak around and do it. And with the drugs comes drinking and with those two things, comes the cheating. Again, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't even act like he loves me enough to be faithful to me? Oh, I forgot to mention, I am trying to do all of this with him, while putting myself through Medical School. He has no job, so all the bills are mine to pay, do any of you know what medical school costs these days? Thanks to his wonderful habit, he is about to be put in jail for the next 6 months and then 3 yrs probation. Again, the bible verse comes to me as I write this with the tears streaming down my face: When I was in prison, you came to visit me. What do I do now? Do I follow my heart and stand by him, waiting to give him a future that most drug addicts only dream of, living the life of a Doctor? Or do I follow my head, and use this time apart to get out? Sometimes, I just wish I understood what kind of hold that drug has...why nothing else ever seems to matter, not even when I sit there in front of him crying...begging. It has not only turned him into someone else, it has also taken me to a very dark place in my life. A place I don't like being. I don't like to feel like this. I want to feel loved, by someone who doesn't put me second to an illegal substance. Any time you want to chat...anytime anyone wants to chat, I'm willing to listen. If your willing to listen to me in return. email me: christina.mullins@rfums.org
You said you wish that you knew what kind of hold it has..It could be physical, it could be mentally, or perhaps both. Sometimes the withdrawals from the drugs and alcohol are so severe that a person rather use then deal with the withdrawals. I am addited to opiates and the withdrwals can be ver severe..I am not down to about 4 pills daily. I used to take much more then this. If I was to quit cold turkey. I would get violently ill. If her boyfriend gets cousleing or some type of help. Then I would stay and support him. If he refuses, then get out of the relationship. You can not force him to want help or to get hep. If he is not ready to do so. Then don't let him destroy your life as well as his life. This is exactly is wht will happen if he does not seek help. Whatever is to be.Do not him take your dream away of becoming a doctor. |
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May 19, 2006, 6:30 am PDT
Quote From: christymul Hello, I met my current boyfriend 4 years ago while visiting a friend of mine in court appointed Drug Rehab. Yes, I know, he was in Drug Rehab, I should have known better, but my first thought was of the quote in the bible: when I was in prison, you came to visit me Matthew 25:34-40. I just thought, if it were me, I would want a friend to visit me. So that is how it all started. I thought I was meeting someone who was trying to change their life, make it all better. I was so wrong. 4 days after he got out of Rehab, he disappeared for 3 months. I thought something terrible had happened to him, so I spent every night searching the streets for him. I finally found him, I should have stopped when he disappeared. I have spent the past 3 1/2 years listening to the lies, the deception, the mood swings, the yelling, the name calling, the cheating, the not coming home, the not picking up the phone for days, the nights of crying myself to sleep, and just asking myself Why? Why do I put up with this? Why of all people did I have to fall in love with him? Why can't he just stop, and look at what he is doing to me and to himself? His is slowly killing himself, and all I can do is sit there and watch him. If I ask him not to do it around me, he will just sneak around and do it. And with the drugs comes drinking and with those two things, comes the cheating. Again, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't even act like he loves me enough to be faithful to me? Oh, I forgot to mention, I am trying to do all of this with him, while putting myself through Medical School. He has no job, so all the bills are mine to pay, do any of you know what medical school costs these days? Thanks to his wonderful habit, he is about to be put in jail for the next 6 months and then 3 yrs probation. Again, the bible verse comes to me as I write this with the tears streaming down my face: When I was in prison, you came to visit me. What do I do now? Do I follow my heart and stand by him, waiting to give him a future that most drug addicts only dream of, living the life of a Doctor? Or do I follow my head, and use this time apart to get out? Sometimes, I just wish I understood what kind of hold that drug has...why nothing else ever seems to matter, not even when I sit there in front of him crying...begging. It has not only turned him into someone else, it has also taken me to a very dark place in my life. A place I don't like being. I don't like to feel like this. I want to feel loved, by someone who doesn't put me second to an illegal substance. Any time you want to chat...anytime anyone wants to chat, I'm willing to listen. If your willing to listen to me in return. email me: christina.mullins@rfums.org
As someone who has been on both sides of this (I have 15 years of sobriety, but also struggled growing up with 2 addicted parents) maybe I can help you put this in perspective.
First, one of the most heartbreaking aspects of addiction is the hold it has on us, and this is not easy to explain to someone else. But it's chemically oriented, so it doesn't respond to rational thought processes, including a loved one begging and crying. This may sound like a weird analogy, but it's almost the same as if you were begging him to give up oxygen.
Also, it sounds like you are enabling him. What this concept means (in terms of addiction) is that you are helping him avoid the consequences of his drugging by paying his bills, etc. What some people don't get is that for addicts and alcoholics, we won't stop until we see that the consequences outweigh the benefits. By erasing his consequences, you're indirectly giving him permission to keep drinking. Your tears and pleadings might make him feel bad, but they have nothing to do with him giving up alcohol - that has to come from inside when the struggle becomes too great.
Finally, you're being too hard on yourself. Every one of your reactions is perfectly normal! But you also need to be reminded that you have a valid dream and, by staying with a practicing alcoholic, you are making this dream dependent on his addiction. There is no way to predict whether he will see the light tomorrow, or continue for 20 years. That's why you need to take control of the situation.
To do this, I'd recommend a support group like Al Anon. I say this because none of what you need to do comes naturally. You need to show him (not tell him) that his presence in your life and his druggin are mutually exclusive. Al Anon will help with this, and will also provide support - in other words, you will discover firsthand how very typical you are. It's not a punishment - it's a gift to yourself!
I do wish you a lot of luck with this.
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May 30, 2006, 3:26 pm PDT
Quote From: christymul Hello, I met my current boyfriend 4 years ago while visiting a friend of mine in court appointed Drug Rehab. Yes, I know, he was in Drug Rehab, I should have known better, but my first thought was of the quote in the bible: when I was in prison, you came to visit me Matthew 25:34-40. I just thought, if it were me, I would want a friend to visit me. So that is how it all started. I thought I was meeting someone who was trying to change their life, make it all better. I was so wrong. 4 days after he got out of Rehab, he disappeared for 3 months. I thought something terrible had happened to him, so I spent every night searching the streets for him. I finally found him, I should have stopped when he disappeared. I have spent the past 3 1/2 years listening to the lies, the deception, the mood swings, the yelling, the name calling, the cheating, the not coming home, the not picking up the phone for days, the nights of crying myself to sleep, and just asking myself Why? Why do I put up with this? Why of all people did I have to fall in love with him? Why can't he just stop, and look at what he is doing to me and to himself? His is slowly killing himself, and all I can do is sit there and watch him. If I ask him not to do it around me, he will just sneak around and do it. And with the drugs comes drinking and with those two things, comes the cheating. Again, why would I want to be with someone who doesn't even act like he loves me enough to be faithful to me? Oh, I forgot to mention, I am trying to do all of this with him, while putting myself through Medical School. He has no job, so all the bills are mine to pay, do any of you know what medical school costs these days? Thanks to his wonderful habit, he is about to be put in jail for the next 6 months and then 3 yrs probation. Again, the bible verse comes to me as I write this with the tears streaming down my face: When I was in prison, you came to visit me. What do I do now? Do I follow my heart and stand by him, waiting to give him a future that most drug addicts only dream of, living the life of a Doctor? Or do I follow my head, and use this time apart to get out? Sometimes, I just wish I understood what kind of hold that drug has...why nothing else ever seems to matter, not even when I sit there in front of him crying...begging. It has not only turned him into someone else, it has also taken me to a very dark place in my life. A place I don't like being. I don't like to feel like this. I want to feel loved, by someone who doesn't put me second to an illegal substance. Any time you want to chat...anytime anyone wants to chat, I'm willing to listen. If your willing to listen to me in return. email me: christina.mullins@rfums.org
in that bible verse, how many times was this person found guilty of the same crime over and over? and sentenced to prison? he who wants love, must love himself first. I can see that you want to follow your heart but, being sentenced to your own life imprisonment, by staying with him, you have to ask yourself is it really worth it? You will also serve the time (sort of speak) for his crime (s) even if they are only against himself, for now then they will bleed over to others in his life. love from a distance, as he is loving you (as well as himself). In the bible there is also a verse that talks about Christ being on the other side of the door and all you need to do is open it. That goes for him as well as you, you cannot change this person by giving him a "doctors lifestyle" or just staying in the relationship putting your own self at risk, emotionally, mentally, and or physically. No matter how deeply you love this person, you cannot rescue him, he must rescue himself first. I have been in that type of relationship and the drugs won and I was left standing alone, with our daughter in my arms alongside her daddies grave, picking up the pieces of time and love lost. |
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