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Replies to '*A Dr. Phil Prime Time Special: Escaping Danger'
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May 20, 2006, 4:40 pm PDT
 Quote From: ginasong Just want to say that I would not believe Kerry's husband...abusive men know what to say to counselors and people who are trying to help. If she went back to him, he would certainly "punish" her for "embarassing" him and running, and putting their story in the public eye. I know. Not once did he believe he did anything wrong. You could see no remorse in his eyes. My question: when an abuser is in a rage, does he/she KNOW that he/she is being hurtful? Is it intentional? I think sometimes I'm still waiting for remorse, an apology, an admission, from my ex husband. Watching the husband on Dr. Phil, seeing how it was presented right in front of him, but yet, he still blamed his background and his wife for his rage, I know not to expect any kind of answer or absolution. I escaped 5 years ago with what I could fit in my car in 45 minutes. Long story, one most have heard, different details perhaps. Two years ago, I remarried. This man has no concept of how anyone can hurt anyone else like I have been hurt. I was in my former marriage for 20 years. The scars will always be there, they don't go away. I still tend to cringe in the car when we miss an exit, etc., waiting to be yelled at. I don't handle confrontations easily. I still suffer from low self-worth. BUT...things are getting better, and they WILL get better. I didn't believe that when I went through my escape. I didn't care if I lived or died by then, I just needed to try to get out. There are blessings. There is still pain. It really helps to write, sing, draw, dance, play raquetball, pet a dog, swing on a swing, play the piano, learn something new, hug a child, ride a roller coaster...laugh at something funny, buy something that looks good on you, paint your toenails purple, eat a ripe pear... In other words...it's ok to live now. To enjoy all your senses...to learn to live again. It's a long hard road, but one well worth taking. I can't believe I can say this. I hope that I can learn to believe it for myself more and more. Gina Thanks Gina!
I appreciate your comments. I have been searching for the same answers. I lived in fear for four years and slept in my car because honestly that is the safest place I felt. I couldn't turn to my family because that was "setting him up and making him look bad or they would just say you're playing the victim" since he always put on such a good show for them and everyone else. I sincerely empathize with you and wish I had your ability to communicate so eloquently. Thanks for sharing. Glad you found someone to love you in all the right ways.
Hugs,
Melinda |
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May 20, 2006, 5:41 pm PDT
Quote From: ginasong Just want to say that I would not believe Kerry's husband...abusive men know what to say to counselors and people who are trying to help. If she went back to him, he would certainly "punish" her for "embarassing" him and running, and putting their story in the public eye. I know. Not once did he believe he did anything wrong. You could see no remorse in his eyes. My question: when an abuser is in a rage, does he/she KNOW that he/she is being hurtful? Is it intentional? I think sometimes I'm still waiting for remorse, an apology, an admission, from my ex husband. Watching the husband on Dr. Phil, seeing how it was presented right in front of him, but yet, he still blamed his background and his wife for his rage, I know not to expect any kind of answer or absolution. I escaped 5 years ago with what I could fit in my car in 45 minutes. Long story, one most have heard, different details perhaps. Two years ago, I remarried. This man has no concept of how anyone can hurt anyone else like I have been hurt. I was in my former marriage for 20 years. The scars will always be there, they don't go away. I still tend to cringe in the car when we miss an exit, etc., waiting to be yelled at. I don't handle confrontations easily. I still suffer from low self-worth. BUT...things are getting better, and they WILL get better. I didn't believe that when I went through my escape. I didn't care if I lived or died by then, I just needed to try to get out. There are blessings. There is still pain. It really helps to write, sing, draw, dance, play raquetball, pet a dog, swing on a swing, play the piano, learn something new, hug a child, ride a roller coaster...laugh at something funny, buy something that looks good on you, paint your toenails purple, eat a ripe pear... In other words...it's ok to live now. To enjoy all your senses...to learn to live again. It's a long hard road, but one well worth taking. I can't believe I can say this. I hope that I can learn to believe it for myself more and more. Gina Battering and abuse is a pattern of behavior used by someone to establish and maintain power and control over an adult intimate partner and/or family member.
Battering is never an isolated incident. Abusers use a series of tactics to hold power and control over their victims.
THESE TACTICS ARE STRATEGIES, NOT SUDDEN FLASHES OF UNCONTROLLABLE RAGES OR ANGER.
It is important to remember that people who abuse choose to be violent.
Batterers rarely take responsibility for what they do....or what they don't do.
Some of the tactics are:
Using Isolation
Using Emotional Abuse
Using the Children
Minimizing, denying, and blaming
Using Male Privilege
Financial Chaos, Financial or Economic Abuse
Coercion and Threats
Using Intimidation
Crazy Making (talking in circles)
Does this information help to explain?
Gina, congratulations on getting out....it sounds like you are regaining your "spirit."
Have you ever considered some counseling for yourself so that you could speed up the process of leaving the after shock behind.
Take care.
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