Replies to '08/23 My Fiancé is a Stalker'

I too was married to a man who emotionally and mentally abused me and my kids.  It is amazing how someone who is skilled at emotionally controlling people can take a woman who is educated, on the road to personal success, and strong willed and slowly/successfully strip away everything that she thought she was.  Even more amazing, is the knowledge that I allowed it.  I still haven't figured it all out, but here is what I do know:  My own need to see the best in people, no matter how personally hurtful they are, gave him the freedom to abuse me.  My need to make this second marriage a success, no matter what the personal cost to me and my children, gave him the freedom to abuse me.  He was jealous...but always utilized his sense of humor to give him the comfort zone he needed to abuse me without personally taking responsibility for his actions.  His emotional blackmail (I'll die without you) and ability to very skillfully turn around all discussion so that I was the one who was "crazy" or at fault left me feeling inept and believing I was going crazy.  I know that I became nothing.  No longer did I have friends, a career, or even the tiniest bit of self esteem.  I finally got out....but went back three times before I finally was finished with being abused.  I was lucky...I have a grown daughter that I had taught to be strong and independent.  She gave back to me the strength I needed to leave.  (I find it very sad that I had to rely on my daughter's strength and help, but am thankful and proud to call her mine.)  I tried to confront my husband and reason with him...even went to counseling.  The counseler told me to leave after one session with him.  He was unwilling to change....so I had to leave....to save myself.    

The most important lesson I learned from the relationship is that it is not my responsibility, nor is it possible to change someone else...to save them from their past.  Saving myself is all I can do.  Save yourself if the confrontation doesn't work.  Trying to save an abuser will only result in your death........emotionally, mentally, and possibly physically.