Replies to 'Self Image'

I really do apologize.  It is always easier to see things more clearly when you are outside of the situation.  I have noticed a few things that stick out.  I will tell you, though, my choice in men is horrid.  I find that when I put a situation out there about my guys I get a sound, "what on earth are you thinking!!!!" and it helps me to see things more clearly.   I hope that this helps you at all in your situation. 

First, I hear that you thought you were getting a loving, nurturing husband, and he behaved in a way that really supported that theory in the start of your marriage.  Slowly he changed into a type of person that you don't want to be attached to because that sort of person is dead weight and bad news.  If he had behaved that way  before you married, you would not have chosen to marry him.  It really seems that you feel very cheated.  Getting scammed is one of the worst (and most humiliating) feelings in the world because it was a conscious choise that you bought into and believed in, and when you found out too late that you got ripped off you feel ashamed and foolish. 

"To have and to hold, for better or for worse. for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health."   

Those are big broken promises, and when I was in your shoes, it made me feel so degraded, devalued, and disposable.  My self-worth was totally gone.  I did not have cancer, but I was diagnosed bipolar.   Hearing the words, "treatable, but incurable," hit me like a ton of bricks, and it was just so much to deal with.    It threw me off for three months, I was just in total shock and crisis.  Then to get more support from enemies than this person sho stood there and made you these big promises, is just overwhelming on top of it.  "I feel as though I've always been the butt of somebody's bad joke," really sums it all up very eloquently.  I swear that I have said the exact same thing. 

You ask "Would I really be better off all alone than with this loser?" well, "with this loser" says it all.  Being with a loser is never a winning situation.   Losers drag people down.  Very rarely do they ever get "pulled up" by the winners or the survivors.  They pull them down.  No one is proud to be with someone who they think is a loser.  (Is a total loser in my opinion) You don't want to be wearing the "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt.  You want to be with a person who you can be proud to be standing next to.  You want to be with a person who contributes and is complimentary to you in personality and in other aspects.  Or you want to be single.  You said you are working hard on your family relationships and you have friends that you have met  since you have had cancer.  There are cancer survivor groups and also divorce groups, and women's groups and church and so many other fun and worthy things out there just waiting to be experienced.  You are not all alone at all.  You have fought so hard for your life, don't you think that you should be celebrating your victory by living your best and fullest life?  Think about the low bills and the no maintenance on an efficiency apartment!!  How much further will that paycheck go?   You could probably also receive a lot of medical assistance if you are worried about that.  You are clearly a fighter and a very determined and hard-working person.  You deserve to surround yourself with similar people who are going to be your peers, not your patient or adult child.  Being available doesn't just mean that you are available to other people (a ladies lunch is sometimes so much more fun than a date) but you are available to you.   Nothing will stop you from doing all of the things that you have ever wanted to do.  You can just take up any hobby, even an obnoxious one like painting or a musical instrument and there's gonna be no one there to tell you to stop, that you can't , or to spoil your success in any way!   If divorce sounds too, "out there," you could always separate.  Legally or otherwise.  Take your check and leave and tell him that if he is willing to be worth your time and effort, prove it, then you can start to consider taking him back.   You probably won't if you leave, though.  Hey, if you are lonely you can always come here to Dr. Phil.com!  I have been here for three years and I don't plan on leaving!  So I really hope that you do consider what I have said, even if you decide to stay, you will probably feel better about your decision knowing that you explored every option. 

Smile! 

~Sunshine~