Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'
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July 27, 2005, 12:19 pm PDT
 Quote From: austinmoon Dear Dr. Phil and others,
I was a single mother who worked hard to raise my three sons. I held two jobs, ran carpools, ran the household, and got them scholarships every summer to attend camp. I look back and wonder how I did it!
I thought my relationship with my oldest son was solid. It was until he married four years ago. Now he is allied with his wife - as he should be. But his wife wants nothing to do with his family. After the birth of their first son she wrote me a letter telling me that I ruined the most important days in her life - her wedding day and the birth of her son. And now I should stop contacting her. "When my son is 18 he can decide whether he wants a relationship with you." Huh?
Without going in to her reasons, the end result is that I never saw my grandson after the day he was born. And now a second son has been born. I was told about it in a phone call.
How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect. He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it.
I am so very confused. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son's wife, and my youngest son and I are close - he is single. All of them live far from me, and I live alone recreating my life, but wondering if others have these kinds of experiences as the mothers of sons.
Austinmoon
My daughter is the one who has decided that we are "evil" and has forbidden us to see our three beautiful grandaughters, ages 13, and twins 9. Prior to her "meltdown" we were very close. It has been over a year and a half. She has threatened us with restraining orders and lawsuits. Fortunately, our former son-in law and his new wife have been keeping us posted on how the girls are doing and makes sure we get the latest pictures. He is hoping to reunite us with the girl's but she has brainwashed them and threstened him with more legal action which he cannot afford. There has to be a solution! |
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August 11, 2005, 8:28 pm PDT
Quote From: austinmoon Dear Dr. Phil and others,
I was a single mother who worked hard to raise my three sons. I held two jobs, ran carpools, ran the household, and got them scholarships every summer to attend camp. I look back and wonder how I did it!
I thought my relationship with my oldest son was solid. It was until he married four years ago. Now he is allied with his wife - as he should be. But his wife wants nothing to do with his family. After the birth of their first son she wrote me a letter telling me that I ruined the most important days in her life - her wedding day and the birth of her son. And now I should stop contacting her. "When my son is 18 he can decide whether he wants a relationship with you." Huh?
Without going in to her reasons, the end result is that I never saw my grandson after the day he was born. And now a second son has been born. I was told about it in a phone call.
How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect. He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it.
I am so very confused. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son's wife, and my youngest son and I are close - he is single. All of them live far from me, and I live alone recreating my life, but wondering if others have these kinds of experiences as the mothers of sons.
Austinmoon
Im sorry to hear that you are not allowed to have contact with your grandchildren. Unfortunately, I think the reasons why your daughter in law feels this way are important in helping to determine where and why this relationship went sour. as far as your son is concerned, sometimes actions speak louder than words and I believe he may also have something hes sweeping under the carpet and not being honest with you. He should be able to stand up to his wife if he truly means what he says. If you are comfortable with giving more info I could maybe help you undestand a little better. I have a similar situation with my own mother. She was a single mom, I am the oldest and my husband and I are not close to her at all. we have 2 kids as well. My mom however does not really show interest in my kids. Sometimes I think being the oldest in a single parent home is a lot of responsibilty, maybe your son has never dealt with that or shared that wih you. Im sure you were a great mom but he could be harboring some kind of resentment over that |
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January 18, 2007, 8:58 am PST
Quote From: austinmoon Dear Dr. Phil and others,
I was a single mother who worked hard to raise my three sons. I held two jobs, ran carpools, ran the household, and got them scholarships every summer to attend camp. I look back and wonder how I did it!
I thought my relationship with my oldest son was solid. It was until he married four years ago. Now he is allied with his wife - as he should be. But his wife wants nothing to do with his family. After the birth of their first son she wrote me a letter telling me that I ruined the most important days in her life - her wedding day and the birth of her son. And now I should stop contacting her. "When my son is 18 he can decide whether he wants a relationship with you." Huh?
Without going in to her reasons, the end result is that I never saw my grandson after the day he was born. And now a second son has been born. I was told about it in a phone call.
How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect. He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it.
I am so very confused. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son's wife, and my youngest son and I are close - he is single. All of them live far from me, and I live alone recreating my life, but wondering if others have these kinds of experiences as the mothers of sons.
Austinmoon
I can identify with your issue on so many levels. I was as singleparent from the time of my son's birth & recieved NO help from mychildren's father (finacially, emotionally or in any other way). Theentire time my children (a daughter & a son) were growing up, wewere very close. However once my daughter was married, ourrelationship went south. At one point I was denied access to mybeautiful grandaughter who is the light of my life. Since her motherwas forced to return to work almost immediately after the birth of thebaby, I had her almost every day of her young life until she was almosta year old. Then I was shut off from her completely after an argument with my daughter. I found out then that in most every state inthe US, Grandparents have legal rights to see their grandchildren. Iwould strongly recommend that if you truly want to see yourgrandchildren, you see what rights are available to you legally in yourstate or the state of your grandchildren. You can find quite a lot ofinformation about this on the internet. I would also suggestcontacting a legal aid department or attorney in your state. I know of several grandparents in my area that have had to take this approach fora variety of reasons. And in at least one case, this court ordered visitation has led to a reuniting of the family unit since they were all forced to consider what was best for the child & the parents FINALLY began to act like adults for the first time. The family was able to work out the problems that was keeping them apart for so many years. I find it unbelievably sad that aperson would be forced to such an option just to see their own flesh& blood, but apparently even the courts have come to realize thisis an issue of a very serious nature. A child needs their grandparentsaround them whenever possible. I personally never really knew mygrandparents & I feel that lose even to this day. If you truly love your grandchildren, then you owe it to them to fight for them. After all, what have you got to lose at this point? |
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August 10, 2008, 8:23 am PDT
Quote From: austinmoon Dear Dr. Phil and others,
I was a single mother who worked hard to raise my three sons. I held two jobs, ran carpools, ran the household, and got them scholarships every summer to attend camp. I look back and wonder how I did it!
I thought my relationship with my oldest son was solid. It was until he married four years ago. Now he is allied with his wife - as he should be. But his wife wants nothing to do with his family. After the birth of their first son she wrote me a letter telling me that I ruined the most important days in her life - her wedding day and the birth of her son. And now I should stop contacting her. "When my son is 18 he can decide whether he wants a relationship with you." Huh?
Without going in to her reasons, the end result is that I never saw my grandson after the day he was born. And now a second son has been born. I was told about it in a phone call.
How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect. He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it.
I am so very confused. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son's wife, and my youngest son and I are close - he is single. All of them live far from me, and I live alone recreating my life, but wondering if others have these kinds of experiences as the mothers of sons.
Austinmoon
Austinmoon:
I can so relate to your situation. My son is 42 years old. Throughout his childhood, I gave him the best I had. Being a single mother, with no support from his biological father, I worked hard to give him and my daughter the things they needed. I didn't always do the right thing, I was never what I consider perfect but I loved them, never abused them and tried to be the best mom I could be.
My son married, his wife died when his two children were seven and eight years old. My son drank, did drugs and was so abusive verbally to his children. It was like the anger just took over his entire being after his wife of twelve years died. He has seemed to now direct all his anger towards me, accusing me of not being a good mother.
He found another woman about six years after his first wife died, never married her but had a child from that relationship. The child is now five years old. The mother of this child was diagnosed with brain cancer after the baby was less then six months old. He ended that relationship with the mother of his child and fought for custody and the court's granted him sole custody of the baby.
He still has problems, he at one point was diagnosed biopolar but has chosen not to be medicated for his diagnosis. He gets angry and for long periods of time will keep the younger child away from me. He use to do that with the older children but now they are seventeen and eighteen and actually the oldest son lives in my home because of his father's abuse towards him.
He has met a woman who has two kids and she is pratically living in his home. She supports his abuse towards his dad and I and apparently don't know his true self at this point. Like all the others, she will soon learn she is definately in an abusive relationship. He keeps her away from us out of fear she will find out his true behavior. That is fine, I can live with that.
I can't live with the fact that my youngest grandaughter is now experiencing the same things my two older ones did. She is now able to call me on the phone and whispers to me "I love you grandma, I miss you." It is tearing my heart out because up until this new woman has come into his life, I have been the only woman in this child's life. This new woman treats my grandaughter really good, all I want is to be able to see her grow up, give her all the love I can and not have to be told that "I am toxic" to this child. That is exactly the words my son uses when he tells me why I can't visit with her. He certainly never felt I was toxic when he needed $40,000 for a custody battle, or toxic when I was protecting his three kids by babysitting while he was out drinking and drugging, looking for his next victim.
Confusion, I know your pain, I know what that feels like. If it had not been for my husband and I he would not have custody of this child. We spent our entire life savings fighting this mother in court. The way he is treating us at this point is just more abuse. If it was just hurting us, I could accept that, it is hurting the child. I can't figure out why the woman he is seeing can't see the truth, I am sure that he is lying to her about us but he has such control over this person, I can't even talk with her and allow her to know me for the person I truly am and not the person he portrays me to be. My oldest granddaughter is still living in his home, she knows the truth but will not share it with this new woman for fear of what her Dad will do to her out of retaliation.
I quote you "How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect. He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it."
My son doesn't get it either, I don't think he can even imagine the kind of pain I am in and the worst part of it, I don't think he cares. I feel he has used me up and now he has discarded me but that will all change when this woman dumps him for abuse towards her and her kids, which is going to happen, without a doubt. I sometimes feel life is miserable and not worth the trouble, but I look at the children who have gotten away from his abuse and know I have to be there for them.
mattiesmaw |
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August 20, 2008, 8:43 pm PDT
Quote From: austinmoon Dear Dr. Phil and others,
I was a single mother who worked hard to raise my three sons. I held two jobs, ran carpools, ran the household, and got them scholarships every summer to attend camp. I look back and wonder how I did it!
I thought my relationship with my oldest son was solid. It was until he married four years ago. Now he is allied with his wife - as he should be. But his wife wants nothing to do with his family. After the birth of their first son she wrote me a letter telling me that I ruined the most important days in her life - her wedding day and the birth of her son. And now I should stop contacting her. "When my son is 18 he can decide whether he wants a relationship with you." Huh?
Without going in to her reasons, the end result is that I never saw my grandson after the day he was born. And now a second son has been born. I was told about it in a phone call.
How can a loving son make such strange choices? He is living a script that he mis-interpreted when he was yound and without a dad in the house. He denies his sons access to a loving grandmother, and treats me with such disrespect. He does call me periodically and on the phone tells me he "loves" me. "Mom, you were great. You raised three sons alone. I don't know how you did it?" He doesn't get it.
I am so very confused. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son's wife, and my youngest son and I are close - he is single. All of them live far from me, and I live alone recreating my life, but wondering if others have these kinds of experiences as the mothers of sons.
Austinmoon
I have a fairly similar story - 3 sons - 2 are married - estranged from them. I have a wonderful relationship with my middle son - he's not married. My daughters-in-law detest each other, and me. I take responsibility for things that were said 15-20 years ago, but nothing to warrant the nasty letters I have received from them. I have not seen my oldest son and family in almost 8 years and the youngest in 3 years. .My sons obviously have no backbopne, to allow their wives to behave like this. I would like very much to have harmony, but nothing seems to work. I wrote letters apologizing for anything I may have said or done, but they are determined to keep me out of their lives. I have 4 natural grandchildren, 2 adopted and 1 step-dtr. When my oldest son turned 40 in '03, I called to see if it would be ok to visit and my dtr-n-law refused to speak to me. My son claims he doesn't know why and doesn't want to know because he had a heart attack in '97 (my dtr-n-law called me 2 days later). Last year, he fell off his house while building a deck and had to have his shoulder replaced. I did not know about this until a month later. I have ocular melanoma and would like some peace in my family. |
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