Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'

Hello.  I'm 51 yr. old as well.  I've been married for 25 yrs.  I daughter at home age 17.  I think I can relate to what you're saying.  I think it's part of mid-life crisis.  I admire the fact you were able to do as much as you have been.  Working full-time!!  I have basically been lost as far as jobs.  The most important thing for me was being a good mom/wife, and I thought I was happy.  But, when my first born son with off to college, things came crashing down.  I think it's all about me not feeling good about me.  Strange though, all these yrs. (most of them) I thought I was fine.  Till things started happening inside me.  My son left to college.  I wasn't happy with being with my husband.  I didn't always know this is how I felt, but it happened gradually.  He didn't support me much on my jobs.  He only was short-tempered.  So, then I felt even more bad about myself.  I went to him for support/help, and he wasn't able to do that.  I didn't enjoy being around him anymore.  He was angry a lot, and took it out on me.  I excused it because of his working nights, and lack of sleep.  He had a back problem, so he drank to ease the pain and help him sleep.  I felt alone in raising the kids, and he worked a lot of weekends, holidays.  So, I missed out on what I consider a 'marriage'.  Not having husband to be with in the evenings, and going to bed with, etc...sharing holdiays activities, etc...I felt alone quite a bit...Well I feel some of the things you do.  I want to run away a lot...be alone...Do you and your husband talk well?  Maybe, you need to 'make him', or go to marriage counseling.  I thought I'd tried expressing myself and telling him how I felt.  But, he would get uptight and angry, so I stopped.  But, I think I stopped feeling/loving all together.  and yes you can feel all alone, in a marriage.  I think it doesn't have to be that way...I did it the wrong way, by telling him I wanted a divorce and for him to leave.  We separate for 2 yrs...and now we're trying to rebuild everything, and it's hard...I have so many things that has happen, and the only job that I did have (part-time) I think due to the emotional state I was in, I may of  lost it...and I have myself to blame, and yet I can't even call them to find out for sure...I'm just stuck, being afraid all the time...I feel so stupid...I'm just so afraid of rejection and failure I can't even call...