Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'

Dear Dr. Phil,  

I met a wonderful man about 9 months ago, and have been in a serious relationship with him for a little over 6 months now. I am 22 and he is 37.  He has been through 2 divorces, and the last one really nailed him bad, financially and emotionally.  His divorce was finalised about a month before we started dating.  He was engaged to his last wife for 2 years, married for 5, and separated for 1 1/2 years.  So all together he was WITH her for about 7 years.  I had just gotten out of a pretty rotton relationship of 3 years before we started dating, so we were both fresh meat, as the saying goes.  Our relationship progressed quite rapidly and we fell in love within a couple of months.  We recently got an apartment together and have been living together for almost 2 months.  I am so in love with this man and every day I find myself loving him even more.  But there are a few delemas..  I am on the verge of a custody battle with my ex-boyfriend with whom I have a 22-month-old daughter.  When I was with my ex-boyfriend he was constantly verbally abusive towards me, so when I decided that I wasn't going to take the abuse anymore and ended the relationship I moved out.  I ended up staying with my parents for a few months, but they did not want my daughter living there because of certain circumstances so she could not live with me.  My ex-boyfriend has had my daughter all this time and has only allowed me to see her a hand full of times.  Because of all of this mess I told this wonderful man that I don't know if I will ever be able to trust having another child with someone.  I would love to have another child someday, especially with such a loving and caring person, but I am scared to death about it.  I know that none of this is his fault and that most relationships come with old baggage and that everyone deserves a chance at things, but I am also scared of me, because I don't know if I will ever be able to love another child as much as my first because of the separation with her.  We haven't really seriously discussed having a child yet, thought the subject has come up.  He has no children and would like to have a child before the age of 40.  I would like to get your feedback on what to do and how to heal first.  The other delema is that I would like to get married to this man someday, preferably sooner than later(before having a child).  I understand that there is no rush, and for that I am content for right now.  One thing I do know is that marriage is the last thing on this wonderful man's mind because of all of the hurt and frustration that he has been through.  I think that he feels the same way about marriage as I do about having children.  He is scared to death.  We both love eachother very much, but how do we overcome such tremendous circumstances, if you would call them circumstances?  I would really appreciate your feedback on this message, as well as anyone else who would like to give some advice.  Thank you so much for reading =)  

Joanna  

Dear Dr. Phil,  

I met a wonderful man about 9 months ago, and have been in a serious relationship with him for a little over 6 months now. I am 22 and he is 37.  He has been through 2 divorces, and the last one really nailed him bad, financially and emotionally.  His divorce was finalised about a month before we started dating.  He was engaged to his last wife for 2 years, married for 5, and separated for 1 1/2 years.  So all together he was WITH her for about 7 years.  I had just gotten out of a pretty rotton relationship of 3 years before we started dating, so we were both fresh meat, as the saying goes.  Our relationship progressed quite rapidly and we fell in love within a couple of months.  We recently got an apartment together and have been living together for almost 2 months.  I am so in love with this man and every day I find myself loving him even more.  But there are a few delemas..  I am on the verge of a custody battle with my ex-boyfriend with whom I have a 22-month-old daughter.  When I was with my ex-boyfriend he was constantly verbally abusive towards me, so when I decided that I wasn't going to take the abuse anymore and ended the relationship I moved out.  I ended up staying with my parents for a few months, but they did not want my daughter living there because of certain circumstances so she could not live with me.  My ex-boyfriend has had my daughter all this time and has only allowed me to see her a hand full of times.  Because of all of this mess I told this wonderful man that I don't know if I will ever be able to trust having another child with someone.  I would love to have another child someday, especially with such a loving and caring person, but I am scared to death about it.  I know that none of this is his fault and that most relationships come with old baggage and that everyone deserves a chance at things, but I am also scared of me, because I don't know if I will ever be able to love another child as much as my first because of the separation with her.  We haven't really seriously discussed having a child yet, thought the subject has come up.  He has no children and would like to have a child before the age of 40.  I would like to get your feedback on what to do and how to heal first.  The other delema is that I would like to get married to this man someday, preferably sooner than later(before having a child).  I understand that there is no rush, and for that I am content for right now.  One thing I do know is that marriage is the last thing on this wonderful man's mind because of all of the hurt and frustration that he has been through.  I think that he feels the same way about marriage as I do about having children.  He is scared to death.  We both love eachother very much, but how do we overcome such tremendous circumstances, if you would call them circumstances?  I would really appreciate your feedback on this message, as well as anyone else who would like to give some advice.  Thank you so much for reading =)  

Joanna