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Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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May 26, 2006, 2:56 pm PDT
 Quote From: jennybug I am 43 years old and have been divorced for 4 years. One year ago, I became reacquainted with a man I went to Jr. High with and we are now engaged. He is 42 and never married. He is an alcoholic. He says he loves me and wants to marry me and I truely believe he does. He treats me well. I love him. However, his family is financially well-off and he has never had to work a regular job and depend on the income from that job. If he needed money, he just called mommy. We have been living together for a year. During that time, he may have worked a total of two months. He does house painting and landscaping and is trying to establish his own business. I expected things to be slow during the winter months, but also expected things to pick up during the spring/summer. My fiancee gets many calls for work. He is currently working on one job which should have taken a total of two weeks and is now almost reaching a month and a half. He has a few other weekly maintenance jobs which take a few hours each week and pull him off of the "main job". To make a long story short, I'm finding it frustrating that he still has not completed this main job and expect him to get fired. The people are putting their house on the market and he is dragging his feet on the painting. It should have been done long ago. There are days he chooses not to go to work because he wants to play with the dogs and drink beer. I love him with all my heart, but am concerned about marrying him. I don't want to be the only one responsible for bringing in an income and meeting the expenses. I work a regular job, monday thru friday and never miss work. He has never had that responsibility as he has always been able to depend on his mom for financial help. I want him to get his business going and he has been working very hard at it. He'll do good for a week, sometimes two, but then is back out in the garage, drinking beer, playing with the dogs and blowing off work. Any Advise? Here is my advice. Your fiance is not a young man so we can assume he's fairly set in his ways. You probably make his life much more convenient for him, so he wants you around.
But be realistic. You must either accept him the way he is or you bail out, honey. Those are your choices. You are the responsible one in this "couple" and if you don't want to be the "mommy" to his "little boy" telling him what to do and when to do it (which he will undoubtedly begin to resent) then you have to realize that this relationship, while you like him personally, is not going to meet your needs.
Start with getting your own place. The easiest way to handle future relationships is not to ever move out of your own place unless a man puts a wedding ring on your finger. Make it clear from the start of the next relationship. Don't be so eager to move in just because you "love" him and he "loves" you. That's not enough incentive for you to alter your carefully laid out life. If a man wants you with him all the time, living in his home there's only one way he can do it and that's to marry you. If you make it plain from the start that you have standards that you won't breach for anyone no matter how much you love him, you'll find yourself with a man who meets your standards. Or not. But at least your life will have order and security.
Best of luck. |
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