Replies to 'How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me'

I went the other route, that of anorexia till about 34 years of age. Left that husband that demanded I be thin or no lovin, to a man who is 350 lbs. and totally obsessed with food. I have started with flashbacks and now I am over weight and don't' want to be touched by my husband, who I love, or anyone else.

I get that sick feeling inside of me, I try to tell myself it isn't my abusers and all that, but it doesn't help. I can't seem to shake the feelings of the abused child I was.

Are you still seeing that psychologist? I am starting with a new counselor in August, and hope to get past this hopeless feeling of the abuse never going away.

I am starting a diet today so I hope that I can be healthy, both physically and emotionally about it, it is tough. Trying to keep men from looking at me has been my success of being over weight.  Good luck to you!

Dear catskat3, 

You are not hopeless and crazy.  But those are definitely familiar words running through the mind of a survivor.  You have been married 26 years (me - 20).  That has been a big accomplishment!  It could be worse.  Tell you what - we'll think of each other whenever we go to the "helpless & crazy" conversation in our heads and know we're not alone.  No we are not hopeless and crazy.  Baby steps and centering prayer.  Someone mentioned meditation.  I'm about to start meditating again so that i can stop being sick. 

Let's support each other and keep focus on how well we've survived; the triggers for the "hopeless & crazy" self-talk.  Some days will feel that way - just let it be, acknowledge it and be happy to be alive in the moment at least.  i will if you will! 

Many blessings, 

Karen 

You are DEFINITELY not an oddball!!  I was sexually abused by a friend of the family, who was an evangelist.  I wrote to Dr. Phil a few months ago with this same thing.  I haven't received any response back, but let me tell you my story.  I, too, was abused in a few different instances, but the one I have referred to was definitely the worst!  I was about five years old when it started.  I have been saying for about the past year that if my fat was a coat that I could just unzip and take off, and walk out in to the world normal size tomorrow, I don't think I would do it.  It is such a scary thought to me to be THAT vulnerable in a world full of perversion.  Well.....all that is still true for me, and I still battle with it, but two weeks ago I started reading and working the Ultimate Weight Loss Solution, coupling it with my daily Bible study, and honestly, it is the best thing I could have done.  He addresses this VERY issue in his book, even citing a client who felt the VERY same way.  When people start noticing my weight loss, and compliment me, I too have QUIT, BOLTED, RUN just as fast as I could to my fridge. 

Here is what I KNOW to be true for me......when I was 15 years old, I consciously decided that if I could just get DISGUSTING enough to look at, these men would leave me alone...see, not only did this man abuse me, but he told me that I had demons inside me that made these "great men of God" do these horrible things....that will mess with a kid's head!!  BUT....gaining the weight did not shield me from any of these men.  In fact, it made me MORE vulnerable to men who were this way, because they saw me as someone who needed that attention, someone who would just be happy to be looked at....SO....what I learned and keep in the front of my mind is that my weight is actually hurting me, not only health wise, but it is bringing in to my life those very men that I was trying to keep out.  It is especially hard when you have more than one abuser.  It is hard to grasp the "I didn't cause this to happen" statement...but the truth is still the truth....WE DID NOT CAUSE THIS BEHAVIOR...NOTHING we did caused this to happen...it was THEM, and THEIR freewill......and the demonic forces ruling their decisions....

Also, I know this.....I refuse to let myself live ONE MORE DAY being victimized by these men....in fact, I refuse to live one more day victimizing myself....My abusers are all dead now....and look who is STILL paying for it??  I will NOT let them win....they have had enough control over my life.  Their RULE is OVER in my life......

My pastor gave me a very good response to use when people start to compliment me on my weight loss.  He said just tell them, "Thank you, the Lord is really helping me to stay with it this time."  That takes ALL the focus off me, and puts it right where I want it to be.  Dr. Phil is great, and I thank God for him and his wisdom, but without Jesus, I STILL would not be able to put this plan in to action and stay with it.

I have been LOVING myself through healthier eating since July 5th....not a terribly long time, but longer than I have made it on any other plan in MANY MANY years....ONE DAY AT A TIME, I am doing this....I am not worrying about my reaction when it starts to be noticeable.....sure, I think about it, but that will just be the day I am working the program at that time....nothing new or special, just another day, working the steps, following the plan.....After all, isn't that really all we have control over anyhow?? 

You are very lucky to have a husband who stands behind you and supports you....You can do this....WE can do this.....Start now, reading Dr. Phil's book and putting the keys in to practice, and when the day comes that the results start to be evident, TRUST YOURSELF to be okay....have a plan in place before it happens, so that when it does, your response is healthy and automatic....

We can do this together if you want.....I need all the support I can get, and I will encourage you any way I can......we need to do this for ourselves, but we also need to do this to show VICTORY over our abuse....we are not abuse victims, we are not survivors of abuse, we are OVERCOMERS by the blood of the Lamb and the testimony of our mouthes.....I intend to show the WORLD that I am an overcomer....that I am living above my past....and that there is life, and hope, and love, and peace, and joy, and yes, health.....after abuse!!  :) 

Sorry, didn't mean to write an epistle!! :)  LOL      Gina