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Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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May 28, 2006, 6:49 pm PDT
 Quote From: samiam35 I have been dating a woman for almost two months now. I have nevr been in love this way in my life, i never realized how real it all was. i have no doubt in any way she is the person i want to be with the rest of my life. things are really great between us. but she sometimes seems to get upset that i have been married once before and have two children from that marriage. i was married for about 10 years and it was i mistake from the very start. the marriage was a result of a pregnancy, which is not the reason you marry someone i realize now. she was unfaithful several times during the marraige and because of the kids i tried to stick with it. i was just not capable of doing that and withdrew more and more. after the dvorce i pretty much just completely shut down. gave up on people and love all together. figured i would live out the rest of my life that way. I dated but was never anything serious or really anything i was much interested in. but i was always up front with people about that, i never wanted to misslead anyone. so when this girl came along, needless to say it was a total surprise. i guess thats maybe the way it happens sometimes, when you least expect it. the issue is that she seems to get upset sometimes about the ex wife and the kids as well. we have talked about the possibilty of a future together. marraiage, kids and so on. we both want the same things. she has never been married or had children. she asks me how us have a baby will work since i already have two. i dont know how to reassure her and comfort her to the fact that i want a family with her, and that is something i have never had. i understand her concerns, i just dont know how to express how i feel about this. i want to be a part of something bigger than just me. im sure it will be fine once she meets the kids. they are both so sweet and i know she loves me so im sure she will love them as well. but she seems to get jelous over my ex. and i dont even know how to react to that. i have no feelings for this person. she has been horrible throughout the entire marriage and seperation and divorce. i dont claim to be a saint or anything but she has really been impossible, hurtful, manipulative, you name it. its finally gotten to the point where i cant even feel the hate i once felt towards her. to me she simply doesn't exist. so how can i deal with the woman i love being worried that there is still something there. i understand her concerns, just not sure what to do about it. she says it is her problem to deal with, she loves me and she just needs to get it worked out for herself. should i just give her time or try to help. when she tells me her concerns i just get crushed. here is a woman that has shown me what true love really feels like and she feels treatened by someone i have no feelings for at all. i dont want this to keep building into a bigger problem... Dear SamIam35,
I too, left my husband after he cheated, and I also have kids from that marriage. (notice I said Marriage ladies, not shack up) and I too have come across people, threatened by my previous relationship and having a "Repore" with my ex.
They dont seem to understand that I have to deal with his guys visitation with my kids. I have to speak to him for the next 11 years. I know what you mean by not even being capable of feeling hate for them for all the stuff they pull. They don't seem to get that your lessons from that relationship are engrained, and no way would you go back.
Now, the only question I have is-- if you NOT behaving in a way that makes her suspicious, clandestine meetings with the ex, secret phone calls, you know the games....because if your not then she has no reason to suspect any wrong doing on your part. If you are where you say are and your with who you say your with, then the insecurities are on her side, and they are her problem. So long as you dont have a past history of cheating on your present relationship, then she has no RIGHT to question you. The jealousy is HER Problem . What drives me nuts is when potential dating material wants to punish me for their past relationships. Just becasue they got cheated on by some girl in college, they suspect every woman of cheating. Honestly, they are not worth my time and effort, when I have done nothing to earn their suspects. That's just me. I know I deserve better than that, and I am in a committed relationship now. Each relationship has it's own merits, and the past should not be a factor if the person who hurt her is NOT you. I can understand mistrust if it's earned, but I never understood this guilty before the crime is done stuff. |
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May 29, 2006, 12:39 am PDT
Quote From: samiam35 I have been dating a woman for almost two months now. I have nevr been in love this way in my life, i never realized how real it all was. i have no doubt in any way she is the person i want to be with the rest of my life. things are really great between us. but she sometimes seems to get upset that i have been married once before and have two children from that marriage. i was married for about 10 years and it was i mistake from the very start. the marriage was a result of a pregnancy, which is not the reason you marry someone i realize now. she was unfaithful several times during the marraige and because of the kids i tried to stick with it. i was just not capable of doing that and withdrew more and more. after the dvorce i pretty much just completely shut down. gave up on people and love all together. figured i would live out the rest of my life that way. I dated but was never anything serious or really anything i was much interested in. but i was always up front with people about that, i never wanted to misslead anyone. so when this girl came along, needless to say it was a total surprise. i guess thats maybe the way it happens sometimes, when you least expect it. the issue is that she seems to get upset sometimes about the ex wife and the kids as well. we have talked about the possibilty of a future together. marraiage, kids and so on. we both want the same things. she has never been married or had children. she asks me how us have a baby will work since i already have two. i dont know how to reassure her and comfort her to the fact that i want a family with her, and that is something i have never had. i understand her concerns, i just dont know how to express how i feel about this. i want to be a part of something bigger than just me. im sure it will be fine once she meets the kids. they are both so sweet and i know she loves me so im sure she will love them as well. but she seems to get jelous over my ex. and i dont even know how to react to that. i have no feelings for this person. she has been horrible throughout the entire marriage and seperation and divorce. i dont claim to be a saint or anything but she has really been impossible, hurtful, manipulative, you name it. its finally gotten to the point where i cant even feel the hate i once felt towards her. to me she simply doesn't exist. so how can i deal with the woman i love being worried that there is still something there. i understand her concerns, just not sure what to do about it. she says it is her problem to deal with, she loves me and she just needs to get it worked out for herself. should i just give her time or try to help. when she tells me her concerns i just get crushed. here is a woman that has shown me what true love really feels like and she feels treatened by someone i have no feelings for at all. i dont want this to keep building into a bigger problem... Hi there, I think I may understand what your girlfiend is feeling, I felt sort of the same at the beginning of my relationship with my husband. He is also divorced and he has 2 girls from his previous marriage. He and I started dating 6 weeks after his wife left him for his best friend. The divorce was finalised on his and my 7 month anniversary. Like you have descibed your current relationship, my husband used to say and still does, that he felt that way with me. Real love, true commitment, he says that I taught him what love truly was. It was difficult for me to really understand because from day one our relationship was fantastic and I felt that he had had this before and it wasnt as special for him as it was for me. Only when he sat me down and explained how his marriage was and how miserable they both were and how she manipulated him and used him did I really get an understanding. They still talk about the kids and she and I speak aswell. I was worried that I would have to resign myself to never having my own child because my husband already had 2, but he couldnt wait to have more children and he was beside himself when our son was born, it was his first natural birth and he got to cut the cord and hold the baby right away, which he couldnt do with his girls. I think that only when my husband actually gave me an idea of how our relationship was different by telling me about how abnormal his marriage was did I begin to get over these feelings. My husband used to work over time at work and take on extra jobs over weekends in order to not go home to his wife. Since being with me, he tripled his salary in 1 year and only works 8-5 Monday to Friday it is examples like this that helped me to understand how special our relationship was compared to what he had had. He says he would never have even changed jobs if he had still been married to the ex because they didnt have the type of supportive relationship we have. I must say my insecurities lasted about 1 and a half years into our relationship, but they were most intense during the first 4 months or so. I think a lot of girls feel this way because no one wants to be 2nd best. Especially when you are young. There is also a sense of mourning- death of a dream, girls dream of how they are going to wisked off by their knight in shining armour, married forever, be the first and only and to be the only mother of your husbands children. It is still early days and she will get over it, just allow her her time and give her the space to ask questions about the ex and your marriage answer them truthfully and in no time it will no longer be an issue!! |
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