Replies to 'Divorce Support'

 

I'm half crazy that I won't survive without mine and we've been married just under 11 years, I can't imagine not being in someones life after 24 years of marriage. If she doesn't want you there then, I guess you are only hurting yourself by staying. Have you asked her how she hopes to survive? If she wants to go then you stay and let her go when she is ready to go.

I still can't imagine your pain, like I said, I'm only at 11 years and I have grown used to him being there if I need him, now he has someone else and though I don't think he and I belong married anymore ( no communication and things that just can't be forgiven ) it is still hard to let go of something that you've been around for that many years.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide, I will say a prayer for you.

How do you know that your leaving her won't be the best thing that ever happened to her?

 

How do you know that she won't find the second love of her life -- if she's that lucky?

 

Isn't she responsible for HER life? 

 

Aren't you being somewhat presumptious?  Sounds to me like she managed to take care of a house, make it a home and raise 2 kids to adulthood -- that's not nothing.  Being a Stay-at-home- Mom or Dad is HARD WORK (and I've always worked) and I bet there are PLENTY of employers willing to have that kind of hardworker on their payroll.

 

Let's say that you do begin divorce proceedings... will she not get 1/2 the house and any other assets including your 401K?  If she has been a homemaker for 31 years, odds are, she will also get alimony at least for a set amount of time.  So she won't be completely penniless.

 

Besides, have you asked her whether she really wants you to hang on?  Maybe she doesn't?  You won't know until have that conversation.

 

Something along the lines of... how can we separate so that BOTH of us are OKAY?

 

And just because you end the marriage doesn't mean you guys HAVE to be enemies.  You could even be friends if you wanted to -- refreshing thought I think.

 

I can tell you one thing... you only have ONE LIFE on this big blue ball we call Earth and to be unwilling to live it to it's fullest is a tragic waste of life -- in y'all's case tragic waste of LIVES.

 

Time to get OFF the pot.  Limbo is not living.

 

My two cents... (and I really wish the BEST for you BOTH, really I do.) Q

 

Leaving after 31 years is tough.  You are denying the situation by worrying what will happen to her after you divorce.  I can tell you at least half of everything you own is going with her.  House, car, retirement plan, you get my drift. 

 

You need to focus on yourself.  Daughters are trying to tell you something.  Get legal counsel, split things up and move on.  Be sure you distance yourself emotionally and physically otherwise she will suck you back in on your guilt.  It takes two willing participants to make a marriage work.  Wife is telling you she is not willing.

I am glad that you at least made an effort to make your marriage work.  My husband after 28 years of marriage, two weeks before our anniversary walked out while I was taking the dog for a walk.  I have been a stay-at-home wife and mom the entire 28 years at his request.  I came home and found a note saying, "I'm sorry, Goodbye" and all the guns missing out of the gun closet.  It was frightening there for awhile, but I drove to his 75 year old parents home and there he was and there he has been for the last four months.  He basically accuses me of taking him for granted, but the odd thing is, he never said a word until he was trying to tell people why he moved out.  If anyone was taken for granted it was me.  I have cut his hair for the last 30 years and hemmed every pair of pants he has worn, since he has 26-inch inseam.  He doesn't have an excuse except that he is very self-centered right now.  He is still putting money in our joint checking account that I am paying the bills with, and I have taken a part-time job to get me extra spending money.  And he has graciously let me keep the one credit card that we have jointly.  But as far as I am concerned he got that because of me, because in our whole married life, I made every payment on time.  But since there is no credit record in my name, I will have to start from scratch.  If your wife has made the decision, then she must feel like she can take care of herself.  So it is not for you to worry about.  You take care of you.  You need to be there for your girls. 

My husband of 52 years of age had it suggested that he was going through a possible mid-life crisis and he did not care for that suggestion at all.  He quit therapy after three visits, he wasn't old enough for mid-life crisis.  But one thing that you have to understand as I have been told many times since all of this:  You are not responsible for your wife's happiness.  She has to take responsibility for that.  Women as I have told also go through mid-life crisis, also.  Sounds like you have very understanding daughters.  My kids have been great to me through all of this and they too have been victims of their father's selfiness.  They not only have not had contact with their father in four months, but also his parents.  The grandparents said some pretty awful things to their grandkids and the grandkids have grieved and considered their grandparents dead.  They are not the people that once loved them unconditionally, the grandparents have made their choice.  One day at a time.

 after reading your post, I thought maybe I could suggest a book that could help you. I just read "Relational Shifts" by Julie Rappaport and it is about how her family goes through a divorce and how they come out of it. The book is actually written by her, her now ex-husband, and their young daughter. It may parallel some of your emotions and could definitely help you. Best of luck!