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Replies to '05/29 Parenting Dilemmas'
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May 31, 2006, 11:03 pm PDT
 Quote From: susan2679 The quote below was posted by "beckysam", but she didn't reply directly to your posting so I thought I would copy & paste it as a reply because I think you need to hear this. They may teach kids in school about sexual health, but I haven't heard of any schools teaching a "how-to" course. Where would she have learned about the "grotesque acts"? I really hope you haven't made your daughter feel so guilty that she is now trying to hide abuse to spare your feelings. "I also can't believe the messages on tatoos outnumber the messages on sexual abuse against children. I still can't believe how many people have been affected by sexual abuse. My daughter was groomed by her stepfather-I wish I had known the signs. This needs to be broadcast often because I'm sure there are others out there that don't know this exists. I was brought up in a home that was safe, as was my mom, dad, aunts and uncles. I was so in love with this man (my second marriage) and thought he was great. It was very hard to get my mind around what was happening when my daughter finally told me. It all started as soon as we were married in 2000. I had dated him for 2 1/2 years so I thought I really knew him...I thought we were safe...NOT! My children's father was mentally, emotionally, and then physically abusive, so I guess that was what I was looking for. It never entered my mind to watch for a sexual abuser. But as I look back, I can see signs. Just wish I would have known what to watch for. My daughter is now 17 and still has problems. She's not the same girl. He also made a bee-line to my parents and got them to believe him...my dad is still friends with him as is our entire church family. My daughter's father didn't even do anything to him, nor did he spend any time with her. And she really needed him. We don't go to church much any more, as she and I don't have trust in people that we felt were our family, let alone friends. My daughter doesn't even believe in God anymore. She always wears black and has a small circle of friends. I also don't trust anyone either. I spent a lot of time on the couch, unable to do anything-I suffer from depression, fibromyalgia, and migraines. I'm getting better...but worry so about my daughter. We did go to a counselor and reported what had happened, but my daughter was so afraid of the tests and the doctors, etc. that she begged me just to let her say that she misinterpreted his touching. I thought the social worker would see through that, but she acted like she was glad to be done with this case. There's a lot more to this as I know there is with everyone who has been through this, there's just not enough time or space to warn everyone. One thing I will do is tell any woman that he goes out with what happened. I don't know if it will do any good or not, but I feel I owe it to anyone who gets involved with him. He has lost NOTHING for what he did to us. " I so agree with you. It is weird to have so many people talking about the tattoos. I was the first one on the board to post about the sex abuse. I can tell you my neice went through hell in her years of growing up with my perverted brother in law. He raped her repeatedly up unti she reached the age 17 or 18. She confessed to me of a backyard knitting needle abortion at 13 or 14. Her mother believed the perp. The perp trained her in black mail tactics and she was able to get many things from him that way as long as she kept the "secret". The perp kept my sister happy with fur coats, an El Dorado, snow mobiles, partying, etc. Besides they had 4 sons to care for too. He fooled many people. It is better to err on the side of protectiveness of the child than to try to protect the adult. Unless this adult is squeaky, squeaky clean, believe the child. Of course he would love the child, she's a source of entertainment, comfort probably. My neice was coerced into lying in court that she was the one chasing my brother in law and he was refusing her advances. I know better, but my sister bought it. My neice was pregnant at the time with hopefully was her boyfriends baby. She was just beyond 16 I think. I know my brother in law hated her to go out with boys when she reached 15. I also escaped his unwanted attentions once I met my first husband at 15. I have already told my neice I hurt deeply at not being able to protect her. |
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June 14, 2006, 2:42 pm PDT
Quote From: susan2679 The quote below was posted by "beckysam", but she didn't reply directly to your posting so I thought I would copy & paste it as a reply because I think you need to hear this. They may teach kids in school about sexual health, but I haven't heard of any schools teaching a "how-to" course. Where would she have learned about the "grotesque acts"? I really hope you haven't made your daughter feel so guilty that she is now trying to hide abuse to spare your feelings. "I also can't believe the messages on tatoos outnumber the messages on sexual abuse against children. I still can't believe how many people have been affected by sexual abuse. My daughter was groomed by her stepfather-I wish I had known the signs. This needs to be broadcast often because I'm sure there are others out there that don't know this exists. I was brought up in a home that was safe, as was my mom, dad, aunts and uncles. I was so in love with this man (my second marriage) and thought he was great. It was very hard to get my mind around what was happening when my daughter finally told me. It all started as soon as we were married in 2000. I had dated him for 2 1/2 years so I thought I really knew him...I thought we were safe...NOT! My children's father was mentally, emotionally, and then physically abusive, so I guess that was what I was looking for. It never entered my mind to watch for a sexual abuser. But as I look back, I can see signs. Just wish I would have known what to watch for. My daughter is now 17 and still has problems. She's not the same girl. He also made a bee-line to my parents and got them to believe him...my dad is still friends with him as is our entire church family. My daughter's father didn't even do anything to him, nor did he spend any time with her. And she really needed him. We don't go to church much any more, as she and I don't have trust in people that we felt were our family, let alone friends. My daughter doesn't even believe in God anymore. She always wears black and has a small circle of friends. I also don't trust anyone either. I spent a lot of time on the couch, unable to do anything-I suffer from depression, fibromyalgia, and migraines. I'm getting better...but worry so about my daughter. We did go to a counselor and reported what had happened, but my daughter was so afraid of the tests and the doctors, etc. that she begged me just to let her say that she misinterpreted his touching. I thought the social worker would see through that, but she acted like she was glad to be done with this case. There's a lot more to this as I know there is with everyone who has been through this, there's just not enough time or space to warn everyone. One thing I will do is tell any woman that he goes out with what happened. I don't know if it will do any good or not, but I feel I owe it to anyone who gets involved with him. He has lost NOTHING for what he did to us. " Dear Susan2679, I strongly encourage you to take your daughter to a female counselor, one who can be trusted. I know you don't trust churches right now, but not all churches are as singleminded as the one you left. I grew up in one like that, so I think I understand how betrayed you must feel. My former stepfather was never disciplined (according to scripture) by that church, and there are people there who were once my friends, who have chosen to believe his lies versus my truth. They've also turned their backs on my mother. Thankfully, when I was going through reliving the memories of my abuse, I was by that time in a church where I was totally backed up by the Pastor and elders, as well as my true friends.
I know from experience that until you & your daughter get counseling, there can be no healing. If you'd like to talk further with me, please let me know through this site.
Your daughter's life and self-esteem are at risk, please get her the help she so deserves; it won't be easy, but there's light at the end of this battle. Trust me, I know!
God's blessings to you....
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