Message Boards
Replies to 'Defining Your Authentic Self'
|
August 29, 2005, 8:58 am PDT
 Quote From: teri_id I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.
I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away. I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home. I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m. Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking. This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.
I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not. The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought. This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.
He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry. Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes. I don't know. I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing. I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up. The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt. This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.
He has been distancing himself also. I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to. I don't know. I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him. Wow. Relationships are not my strong suit.
I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective. I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part. Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out. I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?
Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone. Teri I read your message in disbelieve . Why would your husband acuse you of having drink. I guess is looking for a way to start a argument. Did you think that maybe he is just unhappy not going with you and it is his way to make you feel bad. And why the distrust in his eyes , there is no reason to suspect someone of drinking if that someone hasn't been drinking.
You said that he is distancing from you and vice versa maybe it is time for the both of you to play fair and square and say what is on your mind you will feel alot better to make everything open . You have every reason to feel hurt by him for the way he treats you , there is no reason of accusing someone of a fault not commited.
I wish you clarity with this matter and with your relationship. Take care and try to find serenity.
Friendship Lyne |
|
|
August 29, 2005, 9:25 am PDT
Quote From: teri_id I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.
I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away. I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home. I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m. Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking. This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.
I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not. The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought. This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.
He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry. Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes. I don't know. I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing. I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up. The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt. This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.
He has been distancing himself also. I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to. I don't know. I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him. Wow. Relationships are not my strong suit.
I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective. I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part. Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out. I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?
Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone. Teri You must communicate before the feelings you are harboring get out of hand. Your significant other is sensing your defensiveness, and is probably jumping to his own conclusions that may be as wrong as yours possibly are. He is obviously smelling something that to his mind equals liquor. You cannot know what that is, so think hard about where you were, what was going on around you, who you interacted with. It may be something as harmless as the detergent or fabric softener that is used on your children's clothes, that he somehow mistakes for another smell. Smells have a way of triggering memories, and whatever he is smelling could be triggering memories of drinking. The possibilties are endless here. Invite him to come with you next time, if that it will ease his mind. Distancing is pehaps the worst thing you can do, but it's also the first reaction when you are feeling accused. Tell him what you are feeling, and that you want to discuss this because it seems to be snowballing. |
|
|
August 29, 2005, 2:41 pm PDT
Quote From: teri_id I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.
I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away. I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home. I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m. Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking. This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.
I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not. The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought. This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.
He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry. Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes. I don't know. I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing. I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up. The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt. This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.
He has been distancing himself also. I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to. I don't know. I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him. Wow. Relationships are not my strong suit.
I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective. I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part. Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out. I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?
Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone. Teri What do you need to say to him that goes unsaid?? Distrust in a relationship can be painful. Are you NOT speaking to avoid something that NEEDS to be said? Is this 'distancing', detachment a natural part of something healthy for you BOTH in this relationship? Or is it just the path of least resistance? Listen to your 'gut'. What is your 'gut' telling you you need to do with the anger???
Keep in touch. I wish you only the best.
Brenda |
|
|
August 29, 2005, 5:19 pm PDT
Quote From: teri_id I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.
I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away. I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home. I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m. Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking. This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.
I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not. The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought. This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.
He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry. Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes. I don't know. I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing. I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up. The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt. This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.
He has been distancing himself also. I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to. I don't know. I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him. Wow. Relationships are not my strong suit.
I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective. I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part. Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out. I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?
Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone. Teri In all relationships - regardless of the stage they are at - there must be honesty - and that honesty must be on both sides. In fact it needs to be on all 4 sides. Four sides you ask - yes there are four sides to each relationship. There is the honesty of you to him, him to you, you to yourself and he to himself.
Finding that honesty and truly implementing it in its purest form can be very difficult. We either don't want to face up to the truth our own self or we don't want to communicate the truth because we don't want to hurt or intimidate the other person. But if we aren't honest then is the relationship something that is pure and good? Obviously the answer to that is no.
You must decide just exactly what your relationship is based upon. Sure there is an element of the authentic self in each and every relationship - if we aren't being authentic with our self then how can we expect our relationships to be authentic? We can't.
I think there is perhaps a deficit in your relationship - but that deficit has created itself because of a lack of honesty and transparency. In each relationship you must both put in 100% - not 50-50 but 100-100 -else it doesn't work effectively and for the long term. Sure there are going to be times when one of you puts in more - but the effort has to be there from both of you.
Re-negotiate the relationship - find the common ground once more (if it is still there) - set the ground rules once more for both of you - and both of you must do it. There has to be trust between you - complete trust. And remember one of the things that Dr Phil said "you have to earn your way out of a relationship" by that he means that you have to work hard to make sure that you have covered every base, checked every corner and dotted every i and crossed every t before you get even close to calling it quits.
There is always a way out of every situation - but only through honesty with yourself will you find the real and right way |
|
|
August 30, 2005, 12:58 am PDT
Quote From: teri_id I have been struggling with an anger issue since Saturday night, and I am not sure where to go with it.
I spent Saturday with my kids, who live 3 hours away. I drive there in the morning and then after spending the day with them, I drive home. I get home around 8:30-9:00 p.m. Well, this last Saturday when I came home, my boyfriend/mate said I smelled as if I had been drinking. This is the second time he has said that when I have come home.
I suppose this would not bother me so much if I actually HAD been drinking, yet I had not. The first time I just shrugged it off as strange and didn't give it much thought. This time, however, it seemed to strike a nerve that really irritated me.
He was not rude, and he was just telling me what he thought he smelled, yet for some reason I am angry. Maybe because I saw distrust in his eyes. I don't know. I know that I have felt myself distancing from him, which is probably the last thing I need to be doing. I have tried to talk about it, yet I feel like crying when I even try to bring it up. The thing is, I don't believe I am angry at him, but I am angry, and hurt. This boggles me, as things such as this don't usually effect me this way.
He has been distancing himself also. I am trying to just observe our behavior and see how we bring some resolution to this issue, and I know we are both harboring feelings that we are not talking about, yet maybe that is because we don't have to. I don't know. I know that look of distrust really hurt me, and I can't imagine his feeling distrust didn't hurt him. Wow. Relationships are not my strong suit.
I know I am rambling, yet I need some feedback, even it is to just put things in perspective. I see this situation as representative or symbolic of deficit in my relationship, and I need to know how to replenish my part. Being authentic would mean I would just plainly say "I am angry and I don't really know why" to him and working it out. I guess I don't like the idea of people being upset with me...lol...does that sound familiar to anyone?
Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks everyone. Teri I totally agree with everyone else about getting back into the relationship. I know I often find myself creating distance as a self-protective measure. It takes me time to realize it isn't protective, but destructive and it hinders honesty. I also agree that the distance you guys are putting between each other may create a feeling of insecurity. That can lead to all kinds of responses where a person is just trying to justify what confused feelings they are having. I wonder if you might be like me in your feelings as well. Sometimes what I first classify as anger is really a way of protecting myself when I am feeling very frustrated. When I can't find a way to resolve something, or it doesn't come easily, I often slip into anger to have an outlet at the other person or myself. This also takes away from the resolution instead of providing a path to it. It is so easy for the anger to gain a response that justifies it and creates such a stupid, hellish circle. I hope you find a good resolution. I know my own life is trying to manage my responses and realize where the truth in me is. It's difficult Kim |
|
Return to the Message Board
