Replies to 'Depression'

I have an announcement to make.   

Please be assured this has nothing to do with my most recent posts.  But I sincerely feel that this campaign is draining me to the point that I cannot take care of my own life.  No one realizes the time and effort that I have put into this, and for one reason only, because it breaks my heart to see and hear of all of the hurt in the world.   

I have made my share of mistakes, and I am human.  But I am in a situation that has been more devastating than I can describe, and I do not think this is the place to discuss it.  I think most of you are aware of the presence I have tried to maintain, with true sincerity because of my heart driven, and spiritual driven campaign(s).   

But when one gets to a certain point and realizes that his or her efforts do not seem to be having any impact; nor does it seem that I am accomplishing anything, it's difficult to continue with that effort.  It's trying to row the boat of my life in order to just survive the vicious attacks against me, and the other things I have to deal with in life, and hold the bag at the same time.  It's almost impossible.   

It's a sad and difficult situation, and I have to make some decisions.  I don't want anyone to feel unappreciated, those who have supported this campaign, to DR Phil's staff for allowing me to promote this campaign on this web sight.  My strength is almost depleted, as well as my funds.     

So I must decide to either row the boat, or hold the bag.  And I do not mean this in any derogatory manner.  Unless something changes soon, I will have to row the boat, or else we can't eat, go to the doctor, we want have a place to live, and we will continue to drift on the perilous tides of an endless see of unforgiving predators and elements.  So another way to put it, is to sink or swim.   

And for me to swim with or without holding the bag is like trying to swim with a backpack filled with rocks.   I certainly do not wish to try to make my situation sound any worse than those of you who are dealing with the same situations, or similar situations.   But please consider, the undercurrents of the sea of life are stronger than I.  The tides are more than I can surf, and the oars that paddle my boat are as lead; heavy and very difficult to maneuver.     

I am so trapped, in a situation of trying to find my way in the darkness, and feel that if I had the strength that I once had, I could find my way.  But my strength is diminished, my supplies for survival; depleted.  And as much as I would love to stay here and continue on with this campaign, and try to answer every email, be the ox that draws the wagon to save the children, other things in life have taken that strength from me.   

I am a man of faith, I believe in GOD, and living a righteous life, and the most important thing in my heart and mind is to help others, and pluck them from these overpowering currents of the sea of life.  But without the strength and the resources to feed this ox, then he has no strength.  He is left to fend for himself, and the cart is too heavy, the tides are too strong, the oars too heavy, and the bag is left sitting there, waiting for me to regain my strength, or for someone else to come along and carry it for a while.   

I will say this.  As recent as two nights ago, while treading the waters of survival, I was given a blow, and handed a stone, far too heavy for me to hold on to, I had to let it go.  It almost, or could have taken me under so easily.  My wife and son watched and wondered if I would pull out of this one, without their help, I may not have.   

I cannot reveal the literal sense of the events that occurred, but I can tell you this, as I told my wife in so many words, after all of these years of struggles, never did I once consider letting go of this object that had defied my very essence of existence.  That stone's throw from Misery got a lot closer than a stone's throw, it was at my back door.   

I do not mean to leave you people in the dark, and I am not saying that I attempted suicide, if that's what you are thinking.  But this journey that i have been traveling for so long took a very bad turn.   

I can only say that my heart is here, but the motes of life have become too wide for me to cross, and the waters of the motes, shark infested.   And there is no draw bridge to speak of.  And the gap between my heart and this campaign is seamless, non-existent, but the gap between my abilities and this campaign opened up with the power of a devastating earthquake.   

The hurdles which I could once clear with ease have now become impossible, literally impossible to attempt.   

I may be back tomorrow, I may be back tonight, but the prospect doesn't look very promising.  And I carry this burden of guilt and feelings of haplessness seeing those of you, and the children of our world sinking in this huge sea of relentless undercurrent and I cannot do anything about it.  I cannot function without my medications, I cannot function with the mass of guilt and sadness that I carry on my shoulders.   

I wish I could say more, but I cannot at this time,     

God bless you all,   

djmatt   

I have an announcement to make.   

Please be assured this has nothing to do with my most recent posts.  But I sincerely feel that this campaign is draining me to the point that I cannot take care of my own life.  No one realizes the time and effort that I have put into this, and for one reason only, because it breaks my heart to see and hear of all of the hurt in the world.   

I have made my share of mistakes, and I am human.  But I am in a situation that has been more devastating than I can describe, and I do not think this is the place to discuss it.  I think most of you are aware of the presence I have tried to maintain, with true sincerity because of my heart driven, and spiritual driven campaign(s).   

But when one gets to a certain point and realizes that his or her efforts do not seem to be having any impact; nor does it seem that I am accomplishing anything, it's difficult to continue with that effort.  It's trying to row the boat of my life in order to just survive the vicious attacks against me, and the other things I have to deal with in life, and hold the bag at the same time.  It's almost impossible.   

It's a sad and difficult situation, and I have to make some decisions.  I don't want anyone to feel unappreciated, those who have supported this campaign, to DR Phil's staff for allowing me to promote this campaign on this web sight.  My strength is almost depleted, as well as my funds.     

So I must decide to either row the boat, or hold the bag.  And I do not mean this in any derogatory manner.  Unless something changes soon, I will have to row the boat, or else we can't eat, go to the doctor, we want have a place to live, and we will continue to drift on the perilous tides of an endless see of unforgiving predators and elements.  So another way to put it, is to sink or swim.   

And for me to swim with or without holding the bag is like trying to swim with a backpack filled with rocks.   I certainly do not wish to try to make my situation sound any worse than those of you who are dealing with the same situations, or similar situations.   But please consider, the undercurrents of the sea of life are stronger than I.  The tides are more than I can surf, and the oars that paddle my boat are as lead; heavy and very difficult to maneuver.     

I am so trapped, in a situation of trying to find my way in the darkness, and feel that if I had the strength that I once had, I could find my way.  But my strength is diminished, my supplies for survival; depleted.  And as much as I would love to stay here and continue on with this campaign, and try to answer every email, be the ox that draws the wagon to save the children, other things in life have taken that strength from me.   

I am a man of faith, I believe in GOD, and living a righteous life, and the most important thing in my heart and mind is to help others, and pluck them from these overpowering currents of the sea of life.  But without the strength and the resources to feed this ox, then he has no strength.  He is left to fend for himself, and the cart is too heavy, the tides are too strong, the oars too heavy, and the bag is left sitting there, waiting for me to regain my strength, or for someone else to come along and carry it for a while.   

I will say this.  As recent as two nights ago, while treading the waters of survival, I was given a blow, and handed a stone, far too heavy for me to hold on to, I had to let it go.  It almost, or could have taken me under so easily.  My wife and son watched and wondered if I would pull out of this one, without their help, I may not have.   

I cannot reveal the literal sense of the events that occurred, but I can tell you this, as I told my wife in so many words, after all of these years of struggles, never did I once consider letting go of this object that had defied my very essence of existence.  That stone's throw from Misery got a lot closer than a stone's throw, it was at my back door.   

I do not mean to leave you people in the dark, and I am not saying that I attempted suicide, if that's what you are thinking.  But this journey that i have been traveling for so long took a very bad turn.   

I can only say that my heart is here, but the motes of life have become too wide for me to cross, and the waters of the motes, shark infested.   And there is no draw bridge to speak of.  And the gap between my heart and this campaign is seamless, non-existent, but the gap between my abilities and this campaign opened up with the power of a devastating earthquake.   

The hurdles which I could once clear with ease have now become impossible, literally impossible to attempt.   

I may be back tomorrow, I may be back tonight, but the prospect doesn't look very promising.  And I carry this burden of guilt and feelings of haplessness seeing those of you, and the children of our world sinking in this huge sea of relentless undercurrent and I cannot do anything about it.  I cannot function without my medications, I cannot function with the mass of guilt and sadness that I carry on my shoulders.   

I wish I could say more, but I cannot at this time,     

God bless you all,   

djmatt