Well, my whole life i have never lived my life for me i have been there for others and put myself aside..... somewhere in all that just before i turned 13 i began to develope an eating disorder. a lot of times i just wonder why do i matter so much when already i do know the truth of it because God loves me that's why... anyway then as i got older i also started doing things like self-harm..... i had never really cried growing up instead i can remember so many times that i just held my mom as she would cry sometimes even to the point of her passinng out..... i always felt i had to take care of her that she needed me..... it's really still like that well besides she is different some right now with this boyfriend (actually they are basically ingaged i think) she has....... i didn't realize what i was doing when i started doing all these things with food and exericise when i first started i didn't see what i was doing..... i mean people were even talking about that stuff and i was so blinded to what i was doing that even at that time i said wow i would never do that........ haa and i was doing it then already..... it just grows and grows i get so confused and many times think i would just love to disappear or something....... if i would have known what i was doing when it started i hope i would have never done it... now i can't stop and there are so many things there that i don't know what to feel think or do......... i mean I know to go to God and I do but well yea............. what i shared about my mom was only a small little peice of the things that happened that make me feel some of these ways......... yes i do feel unworty and i am scared of love I know there are people who love me but i am sooooo scared of it..... although i love to share love too others recieving that love is a whole nother thing....... so that is just a small peice of it all....... i hate what i do to myself and i want to stop or it to all be over with but then sometimes i really don't want to stop i don't know what i want........ it's like i just have to have this...... although i am proud of myself for one thing i have done good with my self harm the past week and a half or so..... i am just sooooo confused and angry(at me)
I live at my moms now that i am not in missions anymore and well let's just say i don't need to be here i need to get out of this house..... i am soon though i am going to college
