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Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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June 18, 2006, 1:40 pm PDT
 Quote From: rvroman1 Dr. Phil,
I am 37 years old. A single mom of 3. I have been in a relationship with one man for 13 years with no wedding ring. I was then in another relationship for 5 years with no wedding ring. Now I am in a relationship going on 4 years and no proposal or wedding ring. What is wrong with me that no one will commit to me? I am tired of playing the games. I want a real relationship where I come first in the persons life. I am constantly playing second fiddle to everything else even though I give/gave them everything I have/had to give them. They are first in my life behind my kids of course. They always come first and I make that very clear up front! They accept me they accept my kids.
My first relationship ended 2 months before the wedding was supposed to take place. He walked out on me in May and we were supposed to get married in July. Everything was paid for and set for the wedding. I then stupidly took him back about a year later and had a child. A beautiful little girl who is now 9. The year she was born, in April, he left us in December right before Christmas. We were left with absolutely nothing. I vowed at that time that I would never fully depend on a man to take care of me again. I went out and got a job and have supported myself and my family since then.
Relationship #2 - this one was sort of a rebound relationship from the first one. He was nice at kind and considerate in the beginning. Then we moved in with each other and all Heck broke loose. I realized then and too late that he was an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler. He would spend his entire paycheck on alcohol and lottery tickets and would bumb more money off of me for supposedly gas and food but was spending that on alcohol and lottery tickets as well. While I was working 80+ hours a week, I found out later that he was abusing my kids while I was working. We faught to get custody of his kids along the way and I ended up trying to support 4 kids and him on my paycheck. Huge Mistake!!!!! I was falling fast and did not know how to stop falling and start climbing again. Finally, he made the mistake of hurting his own son in front of my while he was drunk. I stepped in to get him off of his son and he turned on me. Next thing I know, he has his hands around my neck choking me and picking me up off of the floor at the same time. The kids were terrified and my son came at him with a baseball bat. He was arrested for assault and endangering the welfare of a child and charged with child abuse for hurting his son. His son is now living with his Uncle and I still have his daughter who chose to live with me not her mom or dad.
Relationship #3 - I am still trying to make this one work. This is the first person I have been with that I have not had to support. He works a full time job which he has been at for 26 years and he also has his own construction company on the side. He is very busy and I understand this.....but he very seldom has time for us. He gets home at night extremely exhausted. Eats his dinner, and falls asleep in his chair. He crawls into bed around 11:30 at night and proceeds to pass out immediately. He jumps out of bed at 5:30 a.m. every morning and that is all I see of him until lunch at 12:30. We spend an hour together having lunch every day and that is all we have. He very seldom has time or energy to make love to me or even hold me and kiss me. I have to beg for what little affection I can get. He is 44 years old and lived with his mother until he was 42 and moved in with me. He is stuck in his old ways and cannot seem to adjust or understand kids in this day and age. He started working on a farm when he was 13 years old and cannot understand how kids can have no responsibility or drive or initiative to go out and earn money. Everything to him is the all mighty dollar. He has never said he loved me and cannot even say the word. I asked him to marry me and he laughed at me.
To sum it up, Dr. Phil, I am a mess!! My kids are a mess!! My relationship is a mess!! My personal family relationships are a mess!! I can't understand why no one will commit to me!! What is wrong with me that no one can love me!!! I just want to be loved...................
There is a saying that dr. Phil uses a lot, it goes like this: "We teach people how to treat us." You have taught your boyfriend that what little he does give you is okay. You are still there, waiting for him to magically change, although he doesn't know that you are waiting for him to change. You must know this by now: there is nothing you can ever do to change another person. The only thing that you can do is to change your own reactions to his behavior, and then see if that changes the dynamics of your relationship. Are you afraid that if you tell him your wants/needs, then he will say forget it and leave or ask you to leave? I urge you to not be afraid, if he was to tell you that he can't or won't fulfill your needs and you need to go; then he wasn't the man you thought that he was anyway. But, you might be surprised to know that he had no idea you were this unhappy. (I say this because you don't mention that you have ever told him) It is good for your relationship to grow and change, as long as you are growing and changing together. You can let him know what you need in a way that won't make him become defensive- try the 'validating' approach. This is where you tell him some of his good qualities first, then work in what your needs are. Example: "I appreciate all that you do for us, and I love you very much. I want our relationship to be a long and healthy one, that is why I need to know- is that what you want, too?" See where this leads you. I wish you well!! |
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June 18, 2006, 3:57 pm PDT
Quote From: rvroman1 Dr. Phil,
I am 37 years old. A single mom of 3. I have been in a relationship with one man for 13 years with no wedding ring. I was then in another relationship for 5 years with no wedding ring. Now I am in a relationship going on 4 years and no proposal or wedding ring. What is wrong with me that no one will commit to me? I am tired of playing the games. I want a real relationship where I come first in the persons life. I am constantly playing second fiddle to everything else even though I give/gave them everything I have/had to give them. They are first in my life behind my kids of course. They always come first and I make that very clear up front! They accept me they accept my kids.
My first relationship ended 2 months before the wedding was supposed to take place. He walked out on me in May and we were supposed to get married in July. Everything was paid for and set for the wedding. I then stupidly took him back about a year later and had a child. A beautiful little girl who is now 9. The year she was born, in April, he left us in December right before Christmas. We were left with absolutely nothing. I vowed at that time that I would never fully depend on a man to take care of me again. I went out and got a job and have supported myself and my family since then.
Relationship #2 - this one was sort of a rebound relationship from the first one. He was nice at kind and considerate in the beginning. Then we moved in with each other and all Heck broke loose. I realized then and too late that he was an alcoholic and a compulsive gambler. He would spend his entire paycheck on alcohol and lottery tickets and would bumb more money off of me for supposedly gas and food but was spending that on alcohol and lottery tickets as well. While I was working 80+ hours a week, I found out later that he was abusing my kids while I was working. We faught to get custody of his kids along the way and I ended up trying to support 4 kids and him on my paycheck. Huge Mistake!!!!! I was falling fast and did not know how to stop falling and start climbing again. Finally, he made the mistake of hurting his own son in front of my while he was drunk. I stepped in to get him off of his son and he turned on me. Next thing I know, he has his hands around my neck choking me and picking me up off of the floor at the same time. The kids were terrified and my son came at him with a baseball bat. He was arrested for assault and endangering the welfare of a child and charged with child abuse for hurting his son. His son is now living with his Uncle and I still have his daughter who chose to live with me not her mom or dad.
Relationship #3 - I am still trying to make this one work. This is the first person I have been with that I have not had to support. He works a full time job which he has been at for 26 years and he also has his own construction company on the side. He is very busy and I understand this.....but he very seldom has time for us. He gets home at night extremely exhausted. Eats his dinner, and falls asleep in his chair. He crawls into bed around 11:30 at night and proceeds to pass out immediately. He jumps out of bed at 5:30 a.m. every morning and that is all I see of him until lunch at 12:30. We spend an hour together having lunch every day and that is all we have. He very seldom has time or energy to make love to me or even hold me and kiss me. I have to beg for what little affection I can get. He is 44 years old and lived with his mother until he was 42 and moved in with me. He is stuck in his old ways and cannot seem to adjust or understand kids in this day and age. He started working on a farm when he was 13 years old and cannot understand how kids can have no responsibility or drive or initiative to go out and earn money. Everything to him is the all mighty dollar. He has never said he loved me and cannot even say the word. I asked him to marry me and he laughed at me.
To sum it up, Dr. Phil, I am a mess!! My kids are a mess!! My relationship is a mess!! My personal family relationships are a mess!! I can't understand why no one will commit to me!! What is wrong with me that no one can love me!!! I just want to be loved...................
Hello. I just read your post. Sounds like you have been in relationships, that weren't emotionally available. Then, you picked the same one again. You waited 13 yrs. the first time? Why was that? Perhaps, you also didn't want to get married? I think you need to take a long look at your relationships. But, you also have the chance now to learn from those other 2 relationships. You want to get married right? Well I think if that's the case, then you need to tell him. Get it all out in the open on what you want. Sounds like to me, this current man has been single so long he's set in his own ways. Making it more difficult for the type of relationship you want. But, I believe you have to know what you want, and don't settle for less. That's why you feel insecure in that no one will commit, and that you feel you are unloved. These relationships have made you so insecure, and that's not good. You need to speak up to what you want, and see what happens. You are living with this man? Well I may be wrong here, but I think you need to go out on your own. Don't rely and depend on a MAN to make you happy, or provide for you. Before you invest in anymore time, you NEED TO know where you stand. UNLESS, you are willing to accept the way things are, are you??? You are staying in relationships, that are damaging you. I would move out or have him move out, and you be on our own...and take care of yourself and your kids...focus on that!!! IF he truly loves you, he will come back... |
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