Replies to 'Depression'

Quote From: yesyoucan

Dr. Phil says we are just partly responsible as each of us can only control oneself. You are right to be consistent and you have to be specific and clear about boundaries with no grey areas. I do think that Dr. Phil has advantage being a former football player at enforcing his boundaries as right away his size demands attention. Don't you? Although Judge Judy is a petite power house in her courtroom too, isn't she? Dr. Phil is always saying, too, "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy"...or something like that. Dr. Phil says when abused the dynamics are totally different as we don't teach abusive people to abuse us and don't always have the control to stop it and might have to seek help. That's why in his son, Jay's, anti-bully program there is a contract that students, teachers and parents have to sign. Dr. Phil says, too, that often there is a target person in families yet usually it is a family problem so if just the target person gets help it doesn't treat the entire dynamics of the problem.

Ouch! I guess what acupuncturist did took your mind off other things. Sometimes, if I am distressed I am extra sensitive to touch and you've really been put through the wringer lately. I copied below in case you didn't want to search for link... Beneath are a few links you might want to check out (links to short summaries of Dr. Phil). I would have copied all yet would have gotten long. Hugs and prayers and nice to see you Laurie... I just finished an Arizona Green Tea... I hope you and everyone are having a good day too. SEA

"If you set boundaries and do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue with the same old behavior. "

TEN LIFE LAWS: drphil.com/articles/article/44

Life Law #8: We Teach People How to Treat Us

Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us. Strategy: Own, rather than complain about, how people treat you. Learn to renegotiate your relationships to have what you want.

You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, figure out what you are doing to reinforce, elicit or allow that treatment. Identify the payoffs you may be giving someone in response to any negative behavior. For example, when people are aggressive, bossy or controlling and then get their way you have rewarded them for unacceptable behavior.

Because you are accountable, you can declare the relationship "reopened for negotiation" at any time you choose, and for as long as you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is 30 years old can be redefined. Before you reopen the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of strength and power, not fear and self-doubt. The resolve to be treated with dignity and respect must be uncompromising.

The worst thing you could do is make a lot of noise about changing things, only to revert to the old, familiar, destructive patterns. To talk about change and not to do it is to teach that person to treat your statements and declarations lightly. You will teach him or her to be patient, confident that you will soon give in. Where your relationship standards are concerned, commit to yourself that, although it may be difficult to effect change, you must not compromise. To compromise in this area is to sell out your most precious commodity: you. "

http://drphil.com/articles/article/218

http://drphil.com/articles/article/73

MANAGING IN-LAWS

http://drphil.com/articles/article/28

WHAT ROLE SHOULD A STEPPARENT PLAY

http://drphil.com/articles/article/243

FIVE TOUGH QUESTIONS

http://drphil.com/articles/article/332

"There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what you will do to defend that boundary.

It is not always necessary or appropriate to share the third part of this formula with the other person when setting a boundary.

If you set boundaries and do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue with the same old behavior.

It's important to note that in establishing boundaries:

* Your personal needs are valid. It is not necessary for you to defend, debate or over-explain your request.

* Enlist the support of a friend for before and after the boundary-setting conversation, if necessary.

* Begin setting boundaries with the easiest ones and build yourself up to the more challenging ones for you. Let your communication and behavior get stronger before you tackle the harder boundaries.

* Tell people immediately when they are doing something that violates one of your boundaries.

* Simply tell them what they are doing that makes you feel angry, frustrated, violated, resentful, or uncomfortable. Communicate gracefully and honestly.

* Make a direct request that they stop the behaviors that offend or bother you. Be very specific about what you want.

* Follow-up to let them know how they are doing at honoring your request.

* Thank them for making the change.

If you set boundaries and do not enforce them, it gives the other person an excuse to continue with the same old behavior. "