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Replies to '06/30 Addicts Transformed'
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June 30, 2006, 10:36 am PDT
 Quote From: dmom66 My 37 year old eldest son is an alcoholic and probable drug (both legal and illegal) addict. He has been messing up his life since he was 17. Flunked out of college after getting assoc degree, bad checks, 4 DUIs several jail times-each getting more severe., probation violations, etc. He has been in rehab several times, completing one of them once. In Feb, he completed 3 months in jail for probation violation, returned to our home, against his dad's better judgment, paid off bills, worked everyday, made plans and gave a deposit for an apartment . He has back trouble and began taking vicodin prescribed by DR at VA-he is a veteran. Then he began drinking again after we were in bed at night or while we were away from home. 2 weeks ago he left one Sunday afternoon and we did not hear from him for 12 days. Then, Friday am, we got a call from him that he had returned to a treatment facility and was going thru detox before entering the program again. Added problem-during these 12 days he has "done things I've never done before" including allowing other people to use his check book to write checks to the tune of over $1500 and of course there were no funds in the bank. I have always "bailed him out" of check trouble in the past but we are now retired. His father and younger brother are telling me it is time to make him face the likely legal obstacles ahead, but that I have to do what I feel will help me, also, as this is truly killing me. What is the best decision? Do I bail him out again, or tell this 37 year old son to step up to the plate and face what lies ahead? retired teacher We went through this with my brother. It is far past the time when you should require your son to face the consequences of his actions. If you constantly bail him out, he never learns that there is a cost associated with his crimes - and writing bad checks is a crime. Love him, comfort him, but do not take responsibility for his bad actions and do not support his bad behavior by compensating for it (bailing him out, again). He has to face what he is doing, pay the penalty, and get treatment. And there is no incentive to get treatment is mommy is always coming to the rescue. He's well into adulthood - let him start acting like a man instead of treating him like a little boy. It will be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but if you want to do the best thing for your son rather than what makes you feel better, make him "step up to the plate" as you said. |
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June 30, 2006, 10:52 am PDT
Quote From: dmom66 My 37 year old eldest son is an alcoholic and probable drug (both legal and illegal) addict. He has been messing up his life since he was 17. Flunked out of college after getting assoc degree, bad checks, 4 DUIs several jail times-each getting more severe., probation violations, etc. He has been in rehab several times, completing one of them once. In Feb, he completed 3 months in jail for probation violation, returned to our home, against his dad's better judgment, paid off bills, worked everyday, made plans and gave a deposit for an apartment . He has back trouble and began taking vicodin prescribed by DR at VA-he is a veteran. Then he began drinking again after we were in bed at night or while we were away from home. 2 weeks ago he left one Sunday afternoon and we did not hear from him for 12 days. Then, Friday am, we got a call from him that he had returned to a treatment facility and was going thru detox before entering the program again. Added problem-during these 12 days he has "done things I've never done before" including allowing other people to use his check book to write checks to the tune of over $1500 and of course there were no funds in the bank. I have always "bailed him out" of check trouble in the past but we are now retired. His father and younger brother are telling me it is time to make him face the likely legal obstacles ahead, but that I have to do what I feel will help me, also, as this is truly killing me. What is the best decision? Do I bail him out again, or tell this 37 year old son to step up to the plate and face what lies ahead? retired teacher Howdy. First, I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Your hubby and your son are correct. In fact, I'd say a bit of tough love is long overdue.
Please don't take this as a criticism, because enabling (which is what you've been doing) comes naturally to most people, and I'd guess it's toughest of all on moms. But I've been in your son's situation (minus the legal troubles) and, even though I now have 15 years sobriety, I can easily remember what it was like. The bottom line is that alcoholics respond to actions, not words. And every time you bail him out of jail, or cover bad checks, or let him stay at home.....he sees this as "permission" to keep drinking. It doesn't matter what you say to him -- I'm sure you've done your share of begging, pleading, crying, etc.
What gets us alcoholics to finally stop drinking are the consequences of our bad choices. You've been trying to "save" your son from these consequences.
I would strongly encourage you to attend a meeting of Al Anon (it's like AA but it's for families). I think you owe it to yourself and you'll find a lot of support there. You'll also learn a lot about how to prevent enabling him in the future -- it doesn't come naturally, especially to moms! But it's the kindest thing you can do for him at this point if he's ever to get out of this cycle. |
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