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August 31, 2005, 1:47 am PDT
I think you need to really get on the same page with your husband
Quote From: connerbjcI have desired a child for some time now. My husband claims he does but is ok with just the two of us. As blessed that makes me to know i have a husband who will love me no matter what, i still feel my needs are neglected. Does anyone have any advice how to overcome this. He's made promises before and never follows thru. I guess i should explain a little more. We've tried for over 7 years now and nothing. Nobody seems to be able to give us any reason. I sought fertility treatment. He argued with me about going and never showed up. I was crushed!!! We both believe in GOD and he uses that. I'm so torn. How long do I go on like this? Most of all those who don't want children it comes so natural to them. Don't get me wrong children are a blessing in every way. But i go thru so many people who don't want them, never intended of getting pregnant and bam, they have a new baby. I even congrats someone and told them I was happy for them she said " Don't be" It hurts so bad! Obviously, I think we all desire a child with our spouse because we want a family, not just a baby. I don't know how I would handle your situation except making sure my spouse completely understood my feelings and desires on the matter. You have got to make sure you are clear about this yourself first. !00%. You need to confront yourself, Is this a dealbreaker? If he doesn't want to, then what would your response be? When you know, you've got to make it a real conversation. If it's something you want resolved, then make it clear it has to be resolved and be honest about how you will feel about the choices in resolution. Ask for why his reasoning makes him make it so difficult for you to get treatment. Tell him how he is sabotaging you by breaking the appointment, and tell him that is unnacceptable. You guys have to come to an agreement. Lay your cards on the table. Be honest above all. This is your relationship and there is no need to try to manipulate it or hold back the way you really feel.
I think all men and women are afraid sometimes. Men may not want to go for treatment because they suspect it may be related to them. I'm sure they feel just like we do in that they may feel their masculinity lessened by a test that may tell them they are "shooting blanks". Sometimes we as women neglect to take into account their fears. Maybe you should make it clear that it doesn't matter what is causing it. You should definitely make clear your feelings on how important it is to seek a solution to this. About the religion thing, what are your feelings? Maybe you should hold a sort of debate on that. I know that I don't feel ivf is immoral. Does your husband? I know most churches have adopted liberal stances on this issue. That might be something to explore.
Whatever happens, the first important thing right now is resolving the relationship issues that exist now in this marriage. I don't believe you want to bring a child into a divorce. It is up to you if you decide to have a child as a single person, but it's up to both of you to have a child in your marriage.
I'm a little surprised that you guys have been married 7 years and haven't resolved this yet. It's not a small issue by any means in a marriage. That's at the top of the list of things to talk about before you get married.
I wish you the best of luck. I can't imagine your frustration over this and the heartache and stress it must be putting on your relationship. I can only imagine that you probably really need a hug.
Kim
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