Home Message Boards

Replies to 'Cheated On'

 
juballl
User Mood
Mellow

Message Emote
blank
July 25, 2005, 8:52 pm PDT

Tnliza, I hope I am wrong, but it sounds...

Quote From: tinliza

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren. I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly. I caught him with the other woman.

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around. I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal. I have had counseling and been on antidepressants. I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors. My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. A couple of days later, he asked to try again. This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then. Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened. I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way. Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

Tnliza, I hope I am wrong, but it sounds like your husband may be up to his old tricks, unless you are talking about in the middle of an argument, he threatened you with divorce.

Another thing I want to say is, that you need to stop placing blame on yourself  for your husband's infidelity. He chose to  do that,  and even if you have blame as to why the marriage was going south, you have no blame for the infidelity.

One thing that may help, is if the two of you could get away together, just the two of you. Sometimes getting away to a neutral place, that is foreign to both of you can help. Rekindling a romance is not a fast process, you didn't' get where you are right now in a  day or  two, and it will take time to get things back on track, but both need to be willing.

Earning back trust is the biggest thing you can possibly do to heal for the both of you, as there is no relationship without trust, and bringing up the past is like flicking a scab off an old wound. It can cause the bleeding to start all over again. I hope this helps.
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
realgood2u
User Mood
Worried

Message Emote
blank
July 28, 2005, 1:43 am PDT

tinliza

Quote From: tinliza

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren.  I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly.  I caught him with the other woman. 

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around.  I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal.  I have had counseling and been on antidepressants.  I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors.  My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce.  A couple of days later, he asked to try again.  This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then.  Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened.  I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way.  Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

 

Something is rotten in Denmark.  This woman, or her replacement, IS still around.  And she is stringing hubby along big time.    Hubby needs to fish or cut bait.  100% with you or 100% gone. 

 

Hubby is THRILLED you are so commited, because it enables him to continue life as normal.

 

You need legal counsel NOW.  Hubby could very well be draining away your life savings on the current hoochie.  I think a PI is a good idea.  You will at least know the truth.

 

Can't forgive himself.  Too bad.  Can't recapture the love and romance like before.  Guess he should have thought about that earlier.  Marriage problems can be caused by both spouses, but HIS infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Maybe God does intend for you to be together, but just not right now.  And if hubby does not agree you are doomed before you get started.

 

 
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
gmolso2

Message Emote
blank
August 30, 2006, 9:10 am PDT

Cheated On

Quote From: tinliza

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren.  I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly.  I caught him with the other woman. 

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around.  I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal.  I have had counseling and been on antidepressants.  I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors.  My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce.  A couple of days later, he asked to try again.  This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then.  Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened.  I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way.  Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

I have been in your shoes, only my husband has been gone now for approximately 1 year-I wanted so much to get back together and make a new life for us, I thought I could forgive and make him want me like when we were first married.  I am here to tell you that will not happen no matter how much 1 person wants things to work out--there has to be both of you wanting to make things right.  No matter how you hope, try, forgive, try to support, make excuses, change-unless he really, truly loves you and wants you back, it will not happen.  My husband was having an affair for 2 years b/4 I found out>  I let him come and go from our home, living there 3-4 days a week, separate bedrooms, and living out of town where his new job was for the rest of the week for over a year, all the time thinking he would come to his senses--he just kept staying with her when he felt like it, and having her at his place when he was out of town--of course she would just show up at night and he just felt he couldn't turn her out to drive 1 hour back to her home.  After he left  my house one night to drive to his place, he stopped at her house, had a fight and wrecked his motorcycle the next morning-who did he call to come and help?  Me, of course...I still have the wrecked  motorcycle sitting the the middle of the shop.  She still has him.  I heard from friends they fight a lot, and that was one of the things he said he hated about our relationship was the fighting.  I guess fighting w/her is different--any way all the frustrations build up sometimes and I get going down a path I shouldn't-anyway-look out for yourself first and foremost, get emotional help from friends or health organizations, church, anyone you feel comfortable venting with.  Talking to God helps a great deal, also.  Your husband has learned to lie to you and you will accept what he says thru sheer desperation to get things back to what was.  You can not do it alone-I've tried for over 2 years-save yourself an enormous amount of heart ache and face the future-make a new life for yourself-love yourself enough to move on....so much easier to say than do, and I still have those times that I so much want what I thought our marriage should be-not what it was-even I wasn't happy with the way things were.  I really am doing much better, and accepting things will be different than I had dreamed.  Dreams do die slowly, but they do die.  I hope for you that all your dreams come true, and that you have a happy life.  There are a lot of us out here that have been where you are-a really tough place-but it does get better and there is a good life waiting for you-just grab it!!!
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message
ebeadit1
User Mood
Good

Message Emote
blank
August 30, 2006, 11:43 am PDT

Hello!

Quote From: tinliza

About a year ago, my husband had an affair while I was out of town visiting children and grandchildren.  I suspected something was going on and returned home unexpectedly.  I caught him with the other woman. 

Moving on, this other woman is no longer around.  I have forgiven my husband and gotten over the anger for his betrayal.  I have had counseling and been on antidepressants.  I realized what mistakes that I made in our relationship and have worked on changing my hurtful behaviors.  My husband even says that he notices the big changes that I have made.

Two weeks before our anniversary, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce.  A couple of days later, he asked to try again.  This has occurred 3 or 4 times since then.  Most recently, we have separated and my husband cannot say that he wants a divorce; however, he is fearful that he will not be able to forgive himself for what he has done to me and that we cannot recapture the feelings of love and romance that we had before all of this happened.  I have faith that God does mean for us to be together but it is very difficult at times especially since I am the only one who feels this way.  Does anyone have any helpful advice for me?

Your husband is still seeing this other woman if he is having ambivalence about your marriage.  It is important for you to find out that he is seeing her and confront him.  It will hurt to know but that is better than this torment of not knowing where you stand with him.  When you do expose the affair be calm (don't show your anger).  I would give him an ultimatum.  He must stop seeing this woman if he wants to be with you.  If he denies the affair present the evidence.  Make it clear that in order to have a successful marriage he cannot see and have a loving relatinship with 2 women.  If he refuses to stop seeing her then you have to separate from him.  He is in love with this other woman and you too.  He is confused about his feelings for you and her.  You need to remove yourself from his life for a while until this affair ends a slow death.  THey always do.  Then he will see what a fool he was and will come back to you free from the affair.  I urge you to go to marriagebuilders.com Dr Williard Harley is a very successful psychologist and he has a 90% salvage rate for saving marriages and couples from infidelity.  So I urge you to go to his site.  He offers therapy, Courses and many different books to help you and your husband get back to the romantic love you felt for each other when you were first married.  The key to a romantic and loving marriage is meeting each others emotional intimate needs.  Here are the 10 key intimate emotional needs 1.  sexual fulfillment 2.admiration 3 affection 4 recreational companionship (doing activities together) 5.honesty and openness. 6.conversations 7. domestic support (taking care of the home) 8. Physical attractiveness 9. Family Commitment 10. financial support.  These are the  key components that allows couples to fall in love and stay deeply in love with each other.  So visit this website.  He has a radio talk show and you can call in and ask questions.  He has been married for 43 years and he deeply still loves his wife.  www.MARRIAGEBUILDERS.com 
 
Reply with Quote Read Replies to this Message


Return to the Message Board


First Page | Previous Page | 1 | Next Page | Last Page