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Replies to 'Co-Parenting'
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July 6, 2006, 2:26 am PDT
 Quote From: mlarican My sister is a single Mom of a great 2 year old boy. She used to live in San Francisco, but recently moved to
San Diego to have my parents help w/ baby sitting while she works full-time and goes to school. Her ex-boyfriend and father of her child, still lives in
San Francisco and demands that he have my Nephew every other month. Therefore, every month, my sister flies my nephew out there, or her ex-goes down to
San Diegoto pick him up. One month my sister will have her son, the next month her ex will have him.
I'm worried that this isn't mentally and emotionally healthy for a 2 year old. As soon as he gets used to one place, he's pulled from him surroundings. I'm afraid he will grow to have trust issues, relationship problems and dependency problems. At his young age, isn't stability and the consistent nurturing of one parent more important than my sister's ex's insistence to have her son w/ him son every other month? I've tried telling her to that it would be better to let her ex visit her son once a month for along weekend, but keeping him in his surroundings (w/ my sister). She says she agrees, but her ex will not agree to it. And she already feels bad about moving her son away from the city her ex lives in. So basically, she’ll continue to do this.
To make matters worse, when my nephew is
San Francisco with his father, he is at a Day Care every day, and has several different baby sitters at during the week nights. So my sister's ex only really takes care of my nephew on the weekends and maybe 3 nights during the weekday.
Underlying your message is the assumption your nephew would be better off with your sister. I'm not so sure the courts would take that view so try not to push your sister into any actions that will get her ex wanting to get the custody put on a formal basis.
Your sister must be working 12 hour days and chasing her tail to catch up with course work at weekends. She's not doing a lot of parenting when your nephew is with her. What your parents are providing is daycare with complications - the boundaries of the parent/paid childcare worker/grandparent relationships are a mess.
The ex on the other hand has set himself up a life where whatever deadline looms in his world outside being a parent he is free 2 or 3 evenings a week and at weekends and he's providing an environment where your nephew is learning to socialise outside the family.
Given the ex must be paying retainer fees for the childcare in your nephew's absence there was a deal for your sister in San Francisco whereby the ex paid for all the childcare while your sister got her working and academic life on track after having the baby. Why on earth has she chosen to turn your parents into unpaid childcare providers? She's refusing to face the reality that there are only so many hours in the day. Full time work and parenthood is difficult enough. Stick college on top and both the work and the parenting suffer.
If I were you I'd try and get your sister to see that part-time work and reduced college commitments are in her child's best interests but if she won't budge after 2 attempts stop commenting. This is a temporary situation anyway. When your nephew goes to school either your sister or the ex will have to compromise. |
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July 6, 2006, 5:52 am PDT
Quote From: mlarican My sister is a single Mom of a great 2 year old boy. She used to live in San Francisco, but recently moved to
San Diego to have my parents help w/ baby sitting while she works full-time and goes to school. Her ex-boyfriend and father of her child, still lives in
San Francisco and demands that he have my Nephew every other month. Therefore, every month, my sister flies my nephew out there, or her ex-goes down to
San Diegoto pick him up. One month my sister will have her son, the next month her ex will have him.
I'm worried that this isn't mentally and emotionally healthy for a 2 year old. As soon as he gets used to one place, he's pulled from him surroundings. I'm afraid he will grow to have trust issues, relationship problems and dependency problems. At his young age, isn't stability and the consistent nurturing of one parent more important than my sister's ex's insistence to have her son w/ him son every other month? I've tried telling her to that it would be better to let her ex visit her son once a month for along weekend, but keeping him in his surroundings (w/ my sister). She says she agrees, but her ex will not agree to it. And she already feels bad about moving her son away from the city her ex lives in. So basically, she’ll continue to do this.
To make matters worse, when my nephew is
San Francisco with his father, he is at a Day Care every day, and has several different baby sitters at during the week nights. So my sister's ex only really takes care of my nephew on the weekends and maybe 3 nights during the weekday.
It is something they will have to try and see how the child does, it may work out, it may not. If she feels that it isn't good for her son she will have to stand up to her ex and come to a compromise. But it does come down to it is her child and up to her to decide what is best for her son. Don't take this harshly, I am a little bitter but since my divorce my sisters and ex have decided that I do not know how to raise my daughters and they interfer alot to the extent that they have almost split my fiance and I up, my daughters are now living with their dad (I hope it is temporary), they have stood by my ex and his manipulating ways, my kids have been uprooting and are miserable but they believe what their dad and my sisters have told them. The funny thing is my daugthers were 9 and 12 when we divorced and I had been raising my daughters basically on my own, and I had looked after my sisters alot because they were alot younger than I, even when they were young adults they did not have a clue about life because I handled everything for them.
You have said your piece now it is time to leave it alone, or you may push her like my family pushed me and we will never be a family again, after having a very close relationship.
Lauire |
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