Replies to '07/10 Biggest Brats'

... that it can be VERY hard to be the parents our children need us to be.

PLUS, i think that society has TOTALLY failed us parents in taking away all the parenting "tools" we and our ancestors grew up with for generations, then NOT teaching us all how to parent NONabusively!

to possibly answer your question, my friend's son has been out of control most of the past year or so.  she thought it was because he was getting ready to graduate high school.  she did a good job, imho, of timeouts, groundings, extra chores ... all sorts of non-abusive consequences for his continual acting out. 

on his 18th birthday, his father suddenly drove over and told her son to "move in with him" because he was now "free" to live whereever he wants.  this is the same "father" who tried to kill my friend during their marriage, who threatened to kill them all during the divorce process.  he lies and pays off judges ... she thought she was helping her children by not speaking the truth, ... turns out the fiend-ex was bullying and intimidating her son all along.  no wonder he was acting out so much during his last year of high school!  too, it really looks like her son had been intimidated into not saying anything about it.

cyndi5, what is so upsetting to your son that he's going ballistic on you the way he is?  in NO way am i trying to blame you here because we are ALL fighting our own demons. 

what has your son so scared that he's acting out so badly at you?

there are other reasons besides someone's hurting him, or has hurt him in the past.  like john bradshaw pointed out, our children get stuck working out a LOT of our issues that we haven't been able to work through *yet*.  i know that a LOT of the things that really scare me in life ... are things that scared my mother.  for instance, she grew up dirt poor and was terrified of never having enough money.  yet i am not dirt poor ... but sometimes i feel her fears coming out in me and my life.  she died without working through SO many issues that i'm stuck cleaning up the mess she left behind, and that makes life very very hard, unnecessarily hard. 

i think that you want to find a good family counselor while your son is still young enough.  you can counsel together and if you call places like a local high school or the united way, they can give you some ideas of places that offer sliding scale counseling.

the other thing i would do is look up the "elimination diet" online and see what foods he might be sensitive to.  follow the diet and ... sometimes removing those sensitive foods can help a lot.  if you have a good health food store near you, you could see what alternative remedies they might be able to suggest, to help calm his nerves and heal his troubled heart.

finally, can you get some counseling just for you, to help you figure out if maybe you are scared of all men?  another friend of mine was terrified of having a son, but fine with her daughter.  turned out she had been hurt by men growing up and was still too wounded to be ok with her son until she worked through her wounding.

all the best with this!  just remember you CAN make it through this, both of you, happier and together!

First, let's get this kid to a doctor that doesn't flake out by hanging a "tag" on every kid and then medicating them. If you tell this kid over and over he has problems--he will act them out--he sees them as excuses to do as he wishes.    

Then, you two full grown, better educated, rational, human parents step in and prove to that kid that YOU DO have the power, right, and ability to control his world--and if you have to do so he won't like it. He's eating your food, and he's living in your home --you have the right to do this. Oh yes, and you don't have the right to abuse him--but what I'm talking about ISN'T abuse in any state of this country --call your child protective people if you doubt that. My point is, quit giving in to a 9 YEAR OLD! Be his parents -- say what you mean, and mean what you say --and get consistent with it.    

Heres' a great opening line "There is about to be a butt kickin' and you are going to be the guest of honor".  And if you don't decide to do this -- well try to imagine what he will be like when he's 19.  

I have a five and six year old who are what others call "Brats".  They have been difficult from the beginning of time.  At first all the on lookers (i.e. mother in law, aunts, uncles, friends, grocery clerks, complete strangers) would say their boys just let them play it out, they are so beautiful.  But, they wouldn't play...they destroyed.. things... eachother... themselves...strangers... and then they took it out on me.  I have spent most of my 24 hours with them the last years trying to teach them the benefit of behaving and having fun.  I was raised as an Army Brat with a Seargent for a father, and totally understood structure and instant behaviour.  I've applied these same principles with my two.  They do not take the ques that my parents gave me (the look, the word, the extra chore, the consequence, the reward, the grounding, and a spank in the worst of times).  I have learned the value of nurture which most of our society has forgotten all about.  If anyone can say anything that will remotely help you and me it's don't forget the unconditional love of parenting.  At least, when the boys are nuts I know I'm not, when I follow that rule.  Honestly, structure helps, consistency is absolutely necessary, consequences that fit the crime are too.  But, wrapping your arms around them in the middle of all the rage and giving them kind words...... works.  Our consistent example of our love for them is one of the only things that makes sense to these kids.  Not, letting other adults oblivious opinions fall on us or our sons is essential.  It only tears us down and sets us all  back.  I've watched a sister grow up with bipolar, and I watched my mom cry trying to help her and I didn't fully understand but, I knew my mom loved her sooooooo, and she did too.  Now I've been given a chance to fully understand my moms cries.  I weep from deep within my belly for my sons.  I give them all I have within myself and all the knowledge I've gleened from the few words of encouragement I've found along the way.  They may never match up to what society calls the norm.  But, they are gifts from God, and God doesn't make junk.  When He created us he said and this is Good!  The same goes with them.  I tell my boy's "when God made you, He made you Good", He is an awesome creater and knows each of our hearts and how we try.  We are in therapy and they have been my lifesaver, litterally.  My boys have diagnosis to get them the services they need while we figure out what truly makes them tick.  They are medicated which takes the edge off but is not the solution.  But, hey, I'll take even an edge of their rage being gone.  I wish i knew it all but, none of us every will, so they say...  Be encouraged, YOU LOVE YOUR SON and even if it seems never enough it's the glue that keeps our hearts and minds  together....

First of all you're not in this alone.  So many other parents are going through the same thing.  I am a childcare provider who is always willing to learn something new.  I read the book--PARENTING THROUGH LOVE AND LOGIC---it has helped in raising my own children.  Second, timeout should never be given in the child's room.  It should be in a more calming place where children can calm down and think about things.  Never close yourself away from the child as they do bad things when not being supervised.  I have of course dealt with many attitudes and have found 2 things that work well---------1.-I created a "cozy corner for the children for when they need alone time. (NOT THE TIME-OUT SPOT) It's under a desk that was put it the playroom for that purpose.  The "cozy corner is in the room where the child can still feel a part of the other children's experience. The "cozy corner has a blanket on the floor and cozy pillows.  The only thing allowed in there is one or two books for reading (no high action or horror allowed) no other children in space at the time.  This way the child is receiving  his/her alone time and is also getting reading practice and is  learning to calm himself down.  I usually have the child to take 2 deep breaths, find the 2 books needed and then it is a more calming experience.  I have one little boy who uses this corner all the time to relax and have alone time. --- I've often found somewhere else for him to read.  This has allowed the child to learn his limits and understand that he has a right to his feelings.  I'm teaching him self control. The child has also created a "cozy corner" at home.  Oh, did I mention, the child is 6 and has recently been taken off Adarol for the summer. Hope this helps.

It does sound a lot like Bipolar and certain drugs can permanently affect the severity of the illness.  Make sure the doctor treating him really knows his stuff in the medication department and never accept medication as the sole treatment.  It takes dietary and schedule changes and a lot of talking with him about what he feels is going on.  Brain scans, also called SPECT scans, while controversial in their effectiveness, can really help in a diagnosis because you can SEE what's going on inside instead of just guessing by what you're seeing on the outside.  I really believe God sends every child to this earth as they are supposed to be for a specific purpose.  It's our job to try to figure out what that purpose is and how to help them achieve it, including overcoming the obstacles.  Just a guess, but I bet he's also brilliant.  There IS actually an upside to these disorders!

As someone who has been there, (flipping tables, kicking walls, etc.) I suggest Paxil.  There may even be TBI (traumatic brain injury) involved. 

  

Before I was on Paxil, I had even pulled a butcher knife on my father the night after he and I got into a fight and he put me into a wall. 

  

Paxil is a lifesaver-literally.  I've been on it for nine years and I wish I had it sooner.