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Replies to '07/11 Domestic Dollar Disputes'
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July 8, 2006, 5:00 pm PDT
 Quote From: momloveson I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary. He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10 cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT. Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early. He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money. I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts. So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account. We live well below our means. No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s. We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled."
I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money. I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money. I'm not a spender. I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes. I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet). My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all. Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.
For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it. I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!) He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going. Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's, therapy and medication. This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.
We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. . People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money. That's just not true. I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago. I was single, struggling to get established after college. Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.
I totally understand how you feel, wish I could understand why they are like that, I am not married but live with someone who offers me no support whatesoever and when I do need money I need to justify it like you do. It's tough but your strong and can get through this.
Like me I think you need to do whats best and good for you, I am slowly taking steps to do that in my life, it is not easy but I need to for my own sanity. |
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July 8, 2006, 5:45 pm PDT
Quote From: momloveson I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary. He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10 cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT. Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early. He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money. I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts. So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account. We live well below our means. No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s. We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled."
I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money. I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money. I'm not a spender. I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes. I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet). My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all. Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.
For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it. I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!) He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going. Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's, therapy and medication. This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.
We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. . People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money. That's just not true. I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago. I was single, struggling to get established after college. Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.
I think men, in general, have a tendency to prioritize 'things' over 'people' (i.e., possessions over relationships), but your situation sounds extreme.
If it's as bad as you say, then it surely sounds like your husband either has some REAL insecurities about his provision for his family and it comes out backward as ('dominance'), or he IS a real 'dick-tater' who needs to be brought down a notch or two.
I've been married 30 years, and have mostly been a SAHM. We've raised 4 children on less than $50,000 a year. My husband has always had a state or federal gov't job, and we've rec'd some gov't assistance at times as well.
Some poor people live too extravagantly, and some 'well-to-do' folk live as misers to the point of making everyone they're responsible for (including themselves) miserable. While retiring at 50 sounds like a noble goal, it doesn't sound like your husband's the type who'd be able to enjoy retirement much, even if he still has a family to share his time with. . . |
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July 8, 2006, 6:10 pm PDT
Quote From: momloveson I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary. He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10 cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT. Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early. He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money. I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts. So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account. We live well below our means. No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s. We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled."
I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money. I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money. I'm not a spender. I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes. I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet). My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all. Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.
For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it. I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!) He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going. Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's, therapy and medication. This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.
We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. . People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money. That's just not true. I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago. I was single, struggling to get established after college. Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.
I can really sympathize with you on this subject. My husband complains that he pays ALL the household bills, etc. and that I am "using him". I have worked for 20 years in a "joint" business that we had for no pay at all!!! That was untile we sold it 3 years ago. He horded the profits and "hid" money from the sale of the business. I found some cash that he had hidden in his glove box at one time. It had come from his parents safe where they had "hidden" part of the "cash" for him. I never had the guts to confront him of this. As he would deny it anyway!!! He would buy things and I would ask him where he got "that" kind of money and he said one time "I worked it out"! Well, where was MY "working out" cash for all them years. When he got bent out two weeks ago about him paying for all the bills, etc. I reminded him of how I have always worked, but never got paid for doing it. I iron, wash, cook good meals, keep the house clean, etc. His answer was, "then stop, I can take care of myself!" I just am not sure what to do at this point. I cannot get over this situation. It eats at me night and day! I wish I had the means to go to college and take some classes. I tried that one time and took ONE course, and was told to stop. That I had had enough of that! We have been married almost 32 years, and since I stayed at home with the kids when they were little, and then worked in our business for 20 years, I have not had much education. I am just not sure what to do or how to handle this craziness. |
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July 9, 2006, 6:36 pm PDT
Quote From: momloveson I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary. He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10 cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT. Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early. He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money. I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts. So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account. We live well below our means. No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s. We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled."
I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money. I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money. I'm not a spender. I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes. I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet). My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all. Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.
For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it. I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!) He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going. Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's, therapy and medication. This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.
We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. . People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money. That's just not true. I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago. I was single, struggling to get established after college. Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.
Many, many things that you describe are more than just money disagreements.
You are living with many forms of abuse....starting with financial abuse.
You are not to blame for his controlling the $$ and all the assets and possessions.
He is placing the blame on you so that he can justify his behavior which is abuse....and his abuse of you and even your son.
He is willfully using abusive tactics on you.
There is an abuse message board here on the Dr. Phil web site.....why don't you come on over and post your story and vent to the ladies there .....they can help you to see that you are living with abuse.
This is not a matter of finances.......this is power and control over you.
This is abuse.
What else is happening in your home?
The abuse message board is located under Relationships/Sex.......then click on Marriage......then ABUSE.
There are some wonderful and kind women there that post daily and often....your messages will be met with information, resources, friendship and great straightforward education.
No beating around the bush.
Take care.
Waiting to see you there. |
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July 10, 2006, 1:58 pm PDT
Quote From: momloveson I'm a SAHM who's husband makes a 6 figure salary. He's asked for reciepts and if I ask for even $10 cash for the month I had to totally justify the $10 with reciepts AND an explaination. NO DEBT. Just a very small mortgage that will be paid off 20 years early. He wants to retire when he's 50 so he justifies being "stingy" with HIS money. I had to fight (with the marital counselor) to get my name on the bank accounts. So, he started hiding money in a SECRET account. We live well below our means. No one would even guess that we're worth 1/2 million dollars in our 30s. We have only 1 child who is not in the least bit "spoiled."
I am interested in seeing how this wife is with the money. I am a thrifty person and quite good with managing money. I'm not a spender. I dont' wear jewelry or designer clothes. I don't have a closet full of clothes (I've got 10 hangers in the closet). My husband says that he has to keep a tight fist on the finances or I'd spend it all. Its a totally unjustified opinion since I've ALWAYS kept within a budget and have never tried to keep up with the jones'.
For years he would tell me to stop spending...we couldn't afford it. I, of course, couldn't understand what in the h--- he was talking about since I don't spend anything!) He's made me justify taking my son to the doctors because of the cost (we have EXCELLENT insurance). There have even been emergencies that our son, or I, needed to go to ER and he's argued with me about going. Now, I simply take my son if he needs to go and deal with the consequences. Unfortunately, I have a non curable chronic illness which, after insurance, costs us about $1000 a year because of MRI's, CAT scan's, therapy and medication. This, again, is another reason why I should be greatful for everything I get...according to my husband.
We have been on the brink of divorce for 2 years now mostly because of the financial control he exerts on me. . People think that couples wouldn't fight about money if they had money. That's just not true. I made 1 late payment on my student loan 10 years ago. I was single, struggling to get established after college. Because of that, I'll be hearing I'm "bad with money" for my entire lifetime.
It sounds to me that he is hoarding the money and plans to leave you one day and take it all. i would file for divorce now, take my share and get out. You could get a lot, talk to an attorney. Why live in hell with him, when you can get rid of him and spend his money, but check with legal advice first and get references. free consultations. good luck. |
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