Replies to 'Your Family Legacy'
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September 13, 2006, 3:56 pm PDT
 Quote From: unclemike hello i am desperately seeking advice. I am the oldest male of two children - my sister and i have always been at odds and she has dictated the direction of my family ever since she got pregnant in high school.She has always been a screamer and bi-polar - she has carried that thru 3 fatherless children (intentionally and selfishly) for the last 20 years - putting 99.9 percent of the responsibility and duty onto the shoulders of my very giving and tired parents. Her first two boys dont know their fathers and have taken on her angry manic ways in dealing with my parents and any family authority. I have always been the fun loving "uncle" video game buddy visiting from college and out of state up until the last few years. Already surviving the first teenage boy rebelling against me as the only male authority and man he could shout"YOUR NOT MY FATHER I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU" to with angst and resentment when reminded of a wrong doing or rude behavior....there is now the 14 year old who has so much anger and withdrawn behavior to the entire family. Resentful and combative. Especially to his always giving grandparents. I try to stay out of it but my sister uses this family and my aging parents to the point of exhaustion. She is bi polar and allows the boys to run wild - most of the time passing the teenagers off on any school friends parents that will take them (weeks at a time sleepovers) as she primps and spoils her latest fatherless baby girl. This boy has changed more than just puberty. his anger and withdrawal from the family (enabled by his selfish mother) has turned him into a loveless and hollow shell of a great little boy i just recently knew. He is out all nite even on school nites and lives in the biggest trash bin of a garbage filled to the ceiling condo when he is home. The toll it is taking on this family is devastating and to make it worse - my sister fights all attempts to try and bring about positive change. I assume out of the estrangement of her own illness. I am asking??? How do i deal with this little monster of a teenage boy who actually has his very unstable mother siding with him and openly fighting against any disciplinary correction while in our home. It wouldnt be so bad if she didnt dump it all in our laps. Its double jeopardy because she sticks the family with her kids yet does not support the authority that we should have. I have been staying with my family since i returned home both to save money and help out- full knowing the situation. I am pretty much the head of the household as my father is ill and my mother is simply under thumb. My manic sister and her angry family show up nearly every nite torturing this family and setting this home on its side. My father allows it and tolerates it as he has always enabled her wicked ways yet it is taking its toll...they have changed this entire family into nothing but a painful existence. How does an uncle put in the awkward place of trying to maintain discipline in a family where it is usurped by a woman and her wild children that have no love or respect for the only people in their lives that love them enough to care? They are all destroying this family and the boys are getting worse every day...no respect for themselves or others...no love and no desire for the nurturing my parents willingly offer -every time i try to bring about a little peace or at least rational debate it gets so ugly and stressful on all. They know they have the upper hand as their mother has showed them the way to achieve anything thru screaming and thoughtless behavior. Help i have no experience and i am loosing my family. HI there
I have just read your message and you are in a bit of a pickle there to say the least - just want to acknowlede that you sound like a really caring man so more power to you.
Heres a few questions to ask your sister.
What do you want for your children? How do you see your children's lives progressing? Do you feel your children are happy and nurtured? Do you know what your children want to be when the grow up? Do you feel your children are equipped to go into the world? Do you feel your children are secure? How do you rate yourself as a mother and mentor to your children
That's just a few and maybe you could add a few more if you can think of anything. It is important to get your SISTER thinking about her children and see how she responds and even if she gives some smart assed answers or tries to turn it around to put the spot light on YOU - DON'T say anything don't rile her or try to change her mind - just LEAVE those questions with her because trust me - they will stay with her - and let her think about them when you are making efforts to give your nephews feed back on their behaviour.
In relation to your nephew saying YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER AND I DONT' HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU!!! hate to say it but he is right!!! ALWAYS acknowledge this to him - say to him "John (just using that name as don't know his name) YOU ARE RIGHT (important to say this and not I KNOW IM NOT YOUR FATHER) I am NOT your father but would you consider regarding me as a friend who is interested in your life and gives a damn about teaching you about how you are coming across to people! ALWAYS give him space to make up his mind and don't try to get him to answer you straight away. Say to him - John I am here when you want to talk. ALWAYS acknowledge his feelings and his situation and spell it out to him.!! Spell out his good points and his great characteristics too ie say to him John you are a smart good looking young man you have a sharp mind and a good brain ! (say this even if you don't believe it yourself - but just say it anyway) ask him is this the way he wants to be and if not what does he want and you will be there to help him get it.
I would love to know what you think of this advice and hopefully it will be of some help toyou.
God bless |
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