Replies to 'Addiction Support'

Hi!  Just so you know, I'm a recovering alcoholic and also grew up with 2 raging alcoholic parents, so I've more or less seen this issue from all sides.

A lot of what you said reminded me of myself.  So I'll mention a couple of things.

First, don't be so hard on yourself.  As you clearly realize, you've been enabling your fiance all over the place, to the point where it puts yourself and your employment at risk.   It's unfortunate, but enabling comes naturally to most of us who think of ourselves as "good" people.  Why wouldn't we want to "help"?? 

The problem is that enabling is very destructive to the alcoholic.  Us alcoholics tend to look at the results of our drinking in terms of "well, I still have.....".  And as long as someone is sticking around helping us hang on and avoid consequences, (as in leaving work to pick him up from a DUI), that person is not only hurting him/herself, but is hurting the alcoholic even more.   An alcoholic NEEDS the consequences to hit his/her bottom.

The other thing that reminded me of myself is this: In spite of all the therapy and meetings and research, I can tell that  you're still struggling with the notion that there has to be something left for you to do.  There has to be some combination of right words or actions that will make him sit up and see the light.  Simply put, there isn't.  You cannot control his disease.

Finally, like me, you're on information overload.  While education is certainly useful as part of a healing process, it can actually become a negative and you end up with "paralysis by analysis."   And when that happens, people can stall out. 

So I guess my only real advice is that you simplify things.  Stop reading and researching.  If your therapist isn't holding you accountable for acting on your knowledge, stop with the therapist.  I do think Al Anon can be helpful in cases like yours.  But set simple goals (ie, by this weekend I will have kicked him out), do not negotiate your boundaries with your fiance, and above all, be good to yourself. 

You are doing the right thing.  It may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but until he realizes his own problems, all he will do is push them off on you.  He has given up on himself and until you get out, he will keep doing what is working for him.  I have been married to an alcoholic for over 13 years and if I had it to do all over again, I would walk away the first time he got drunk in my presence.  Now we have children and I can't take them away from him.  He is the best husband and father when he is sober, but he is unrecognizable when drunk.  When I got regnant with our first child, he promised to slow down the beer consumption.  Before I even knew I was pregnant with our second child, he went out with a friend one night, played pool and darts and drank until stumbling.  He got a ride home and went to his workshop and tried to hang himself.  I cut him down and his father brought him beer a couple months after that.  It is a never ending cycle as long as there are people who allow it to happen. I fought with his dad regularly about it, but he ignored my begging and pleading for help. My husband didn't want to die, he just is stupid when drunk.  I have already said to myself that when our kids are out of college, I am leaving him if he is still drinking.  I can't make him quit, all I can do is not let him drink around us and not buy it for him.  Now I just use this as a life lesson for our children.  My children have both sworn never to drink (remember, it is hereditary) and never to marry someone who drinks often or until drunk.  I keep reminding them that not all people who have a drink with a group of friends is an alcoholic, but someone who drinks alone is definitely one.  It is sad really.  When I was a child, I never had even  seen someone drunk.  Now I get to give my children life lessons based on what they have seen their own father doing - it breaks my heart.  When I married him, I was so deeply in love.  Now, I love him but I don't think I am in love with him anymore.  I would like to thank the alcohol for that.  It is hard to love a person that doesn't love himself. 

I do not believe in only one love per person in a lifetime.  WALK AWAY and don't look back.  Even if he cleans up, there will always be a big problem that never completely goes away.  Marriage is time consuming and hard enough without that problem ALWAYS being there.  Find the man that deserves the love, loyalty and patience that you are willing to put into a relationship.  He is out there waiting for you .  I will be thinking of and praying for you.