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Replies to 'Abuse'
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July 29, 2006, 3:43 pm PDT
 Quote From: buickfan I was just wondering if you had any thoughts or feedback on the second post that I wrote to you yesterday regarding how your children will have to "check their backs" as they get older and become adults. If your husband is anything like my father then I would be on the lookout BIG-TIME for ANY signs that your husband's relationship with the children is not changing according to their ages as they become adults. Parents will always be parents no matter how old their children are and, yes, they need to hear the word no every once in a while but the CRUCIAL differencce between an abusive parent and a non-abusive one lies, at least it does for me, in how well the parent listens to the child. If your husband is still dictating what the children can and can not do, where they can and can not go, and acting in other ways that suggest even remotely that there will be extreme hell to pay if the children don't, as adults, "do as they're told", then he is still acting on the "I'm the parent and you're the child so I have the right to control your life" school of thought and you should hold him accountable for it EVERY TIME! HE ACTS LIKE THIS! And yes,Bertha, MARK MY WORDS, THEY WILL PUT UP A FIGHT EVERY TIME! I know because this is my life story even at age 27 and I unfortunately am aware that abusers do not care to see that the children are fully grown adults and, as such, feel that they still have the ultimate say. Maybe things will be different, but based on my own experience, I wouldn't count on it. Please post me back with your thoughts on what I have just written. You said, "...then I would be on the lookout BIG TIME for any signs that your husband's relationship with the children is not changing according to their ages as they become adults." I'm not sure what you meant. What changes should I be looking for?
As far as distinguishing the difference between being a PARENT who is trying to teach their children right from wrong and being abusive HAD been a difficult thing to distinguish for me. I know HE sees it as discipline. I know it is wrong. I NOW see that my standing by and just watcing his froceful tactics, his aggressive behaviors and his volatile threats towards them is just as wrong as he is. It all affects them. And even though its not like that all the time, I know I need to open my mouth and stop it, protect them in front of him right when it happens. I made the mistake thinking that it would be better if I didn't "rock the boat further" by standing up to him. I would just pray inside that it would end soon. Once in a while I would say something like "stop" or "that's enough". And yes, in the past that would create another, bigger outburst of anger. But I say NO MORE! I won't let it happen again. Just curious, when you were growing up, and your dad would verbally abuse you, what would your mother do? Was there a mom around? Sorry, I read some of your more recent posts, but not all of them if you've already gone through this info.
I had a few good days to really think this through. Yes, I see the necessity of counseling. I will suck it up and stop making excuses. Monday I'll be making the necessary phone calls to set something up. |
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