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Replies to 'Toxic Family Relationships'
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September 4, 2005, 4:01 pm PDT
 Quote From: lissbaby Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now. I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.
My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it! They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005. My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.
My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship. He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only. My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.
Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other. However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship. I am tired of it and don't know how to change things!
When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case! They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.
Any comments would be appreciated! You are 24 years old and your parents are running your life? That sounds totaly TOXIC. I'm sure that when your parents said that the curfew was more for the respect of others in the house, that was partly true- like maybe 5% true- the other 95% of the reason is control over you. What would happen if you didn't come home at curfew, if you said to them, listen, I'm 24 years old, I'm going to visit my boyfriend, and I'll be home by tomorrow? Are you afraid that they will kick you out of the house or something? Do they threaten to throw you out if you don't follow the rules? Just curious about that, I hope that isn't the case. As a parent myself, I give my children curfews and rules to follow so that they become responsible, mature adults. You already are an adult. You aren't asking to much, you just want a little freedom. You could have called when you got to your boyfriends house to let them know you are okay. There isn't anything that they can do to make you experienced enough to drive an hour away- you just DO IT, and then you are experienced. I wish you the best. Speak up for yourself. Living with your parents, its reasonable that they have rules, but they shouldn't be telling you where you can or can't go. |
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September 5, 2005, 4:43 pm PDT
Quote From: lissbaby Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now. I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.
My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it! They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005. My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.
My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship. He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only. My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.
Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other. However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship. I am tired of it and don't know how to change things!
When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case! They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.
Any comments would be appreciated!
you have two options.
Move out to become the grown up, to live the life of a grown up who makes their own choices u spite of what your parents want, think or feel-- it's the plus side of self sufficiency
OR....
Stay living with your parents and live by their rules and whims.
From your post you paint your parents as paranoid.. why is that ??
Tell the truth, they can tell you not to drive, because you did not buy your own car-- they did.
if your boyfriend cares to keep the relationship-- he will understand. he's been living it since 2001 as it is.
Sorry, I can't feel much pity for you since I have been out on my own since I was 18. I am the 41 year old mother of 2 kids now. if you were my daughter. You'd be graduated to a full time job, and out of my house by now !
Be a grown up, or live by what your parents want. Those are your choices. |
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September 11, 2005, 9:32 pm PDT
Quote From: lissbaby Okay, I'll start by saying that I am 24 and I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now. I live at home with my parents and have been attending a local college since graaduating high school.
My parents are super controlling and over protective and I don't know what to do about it! They are so controlling that they never taught me how to drive, my boyfriend did when I was 21 years old, and I just got my first car in March of 2005. My parents have a very strict curfew of midnight, not a minute late.
My boyfriend lives an hour away from me and for 4 years he has done all of the driving in our relationship. He got a new car in Oct of 2001 that already have 98,000 miles on it, just from driving to see me on weekends only. My parents will not let me drive my car anywhere except to college (a 15 minute drive) and to the mall, and I must have the cell phone on me at all times because they are so scared something is going to happen to me.
Recently my boyfriends car has broke down, so this weekend I was suppose to drive an hour to where he lives so that we can see each other. However, my parents won't let me drive there because I'm "Not experienced enough and might get killed," therefore we can't see each other which jepordizes our relationship. I am tired of it and don't know how to change things!
When I ask about why I have a curfew of midnight I am told "its more for the respect of others in the house" when really I know that's not the case! They are so scared and paranoid I am going to do something they don't approve of.
Any comments would be appreciated! There are a couple of things going on.
First - You are an adult period. However they don't want to recognize that, and can you afford to live on your own or go to a different school.
I have watched Doc Phils shows about this and it's about them not you - they still want to be the focal point of your life - with you dependent on them!!! There was another talk show about two years ago where they had the mother and daughter on to try and mend the relationship - the counsler finally got to the heart of the matter when it was brought out that the mother didn't want to recognize the fact that her daughter was an adult and entitled to make her own decisions.
In everything that you said - you do sound responsible - are you sure that you can't find a job and earn your own money and a place of your own?????
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