Replies to 'School Issues'

Hi Worn out/frustrated in NC.  

   

I was just like your son ADD, hated school, lazy, didn't care about anything really.  I experienced these feelings all through school until 11th grade.  There is hope.  Here is my story.  I always felt like I could never do anything right I felt like there was no need to put forth anyeffort into anything because I was not going to succeed anyway.  I think your son probably feels the same.  All subjects were difficult.  Nothing really made sense.  Medication never helped me although I am not against it.    

  

First you should make the school experience as positive as possible.  Also make yourself very assessible during homework time.  If he knows you are there and willing to help, and that he has your unconditional love wether he fails or succeeds, he may not be so reluctant to make some efforts.  Try sitting at the other end of the table while he does his homework.  He is 10 he should still need plenty of help and should not be afraid to ask.  Don't watch over him give him some space, balance the checkbook or read a book close to him.   

 

Next, be involved in his school, volunteer, join the PTA, or have regular visits with the teachers.  If he sees you actively involved he will model your behavior and enthusiasm about his education.  You may say there is no time I am a single parent I know about not having anytime.  Your child and his education should be on the top of the priority list if there isn't enough time to devote then maybe your schedule can be edited to create time.   

 

Next, is there anything going on at school?  Is he hanging around the wrong crowd?  Maybe his friends are influencing his behavior.  Be on the lokout for drug/alcohol use.  I know he is 10 but you would be surprised.  If those friends are providing him the acceptance he needs then you are losing power.  his classmates may be giving him a hard timeat school.  Kids are cruel these days. 

  

Lastly, get him excited about something.  Are there any sports he could play or afterschool programs he could be involved in to provide acceptance and enthusiasm?  I said I was unmotivated about everything until 11th grade because in 12th grade I was provided with the opportunity to play sports.  I was part of a group, a group that cared about basketball then softball.  The members of that group happened to be highly motivated to succeed in class in college and in basketball.  They had a major influence on me.   

  

A big part of motivation is whether or not that motivtaion is intrinsic or extrinsic.  Exstrinic motivation is getting money for doing chores.  i think that is good you should keep it up and if he hasn't done his chores then he can't go anyway that requires money until he has earned it.  you have to be strong.  Another form of Extrinsic motiation is the constant riding his back about chores and homewoks.  This is a neccessary evil for now.  However it doesn't teach him to want to do his homework, instead I have to do it or my parents are going to punish me.  Intrinsic motivation is essential, long term and the hardest to instill.  Try to promote how he feels when he fails, and how he feels when he succeeds.  The high he gets and being proud of his work will be a big motivator to continue.   

  

I hope I have helped you and you have definitly helped me my daughter started kindergarten and I want to do everything possible to keep her from having the same horrible experience as I did.  Remember "we aren't the only influence in our kids lives, so we had better be the best influence." Dr. Phil.     Keep smiling he will eventually mimic your attitude.   

  

Able to Relate in NC 

Your story sounds alot like my son's.  Last year when he was in 1st grade his teacher called us in and stated that my son had no motivation in school, was flunking, did'nt follow directions.  They told me that he was lazy and unmotivated because he scored in the 89% on his Iowa basic Test so according to them he should have no problem with the material. I was so frustraed and  was trying everything to motivate him - nothing was working.  The teacher wanted to have him evaluated for learning disabilities and so I agreed.  After about a month we got called in and the team that they had looking at him said they felt that he was ADD/ADHD and suggested that we get him on medication.  I did not agree with this and took him to many doctors -  the MD felt that he was ADD/ADHD and the eye doctor I took him to not only tested the eye (my son has 20/20 vision) but also the visual perception that a person sees.  They said that 20% of the children diagnosed with ADHD actually have a visual perception problem.  They display many of the symptoms that a child with ADHD exhibit however it is because they can't see the work as they should and give up therefore being labeled as lazy and unmotivated.  My son finished 1st grade and could not read above a pre-kindergarten level therefore was far behind.   The eye doctor arranged for vision therapy for my son and after 8 weeks of therapy (they estimate 25 weeks of therapy) he asked to read me a book today.  I was'nt sure if he would be able to do it and he read a whole chapter to me.  He is still way behind in school because he has to catch up on what he missed last year but there has been a huge improvement in his motivation with doing his work.  The doctors are saying that right now they are training his eyes to work together and after that is done we will start seeing the progress in school.  I am so impressed with the progress he has made ( He is now reading at a 1st grade level) that I am having my daughter who is in 5th grade tested this week because she has always struggled in school.

Dear NC Mom~ 

  

I know exactly what you are going through as I am in the same boat.  I've tried all the counselors, therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists....got the same advice and diagnoses, that my son had ADHD and needed medication.  This all started in kindergarten and my son is now in 6th grade and getting ready to turn 13.  I feel like we are just now starting to get somewhere.  I hope you read the response from "Able to Relate in NC."  What an excellent testimony and advice.  There was also another response (not sure if it was to your message or not) about a child misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD who actually has a visual perception problem.  This needs to be diagnosed by an optometrist that does a sensorimotor examination).  Definitely look into that for your child also as we have found that to be one of our issues.   

  

The biggest thing is to stop trying to find the "problem."  There isn't one.  Motiviation is a funny thing and seems to always been an issue more common with boys.  My best advice is exactly what "I can relate" said.  Be a part of your child's life whenever possible and make him feel like you are interested in every single aspect of his life...even if you aren't.  This is where America is falling apart.  Too many parents are too tired after working full-time jobs and just don't want to deal with their kids.  It takes time and effort.  Who ever said it was easy being a parent.  It's not.  It takes a lot of hard work.  Just like everything else in life.  If these are things you are already doing, just stick with it.  Someday you will see the rewards of your hard efforts and your child will thank you for it.  Tough love is one of the hardest things I've ever had to give.  Be hard on them and demand nothing but the highest of your expectations and remind them that they can do it only if they try.  Reward him for every hurdle and bridge crossed and give the tough love when your expectations are not met.  Do not allow him or anyone else to use ADD/ADHD as an excuse or crutch to allow him to get by with minimal effort put forth.   

  

I hope you have found this response inspiring.  Do not give up hope.  Hard work always pays off in the long run!  

Take care!