The quick fix: get your hands on a best selling book called:
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk", by Adelle Faber and Elaine Mazulich.
Used copies can be had for $1.99 and your library probably has it. It's 40% cartoons, and 1/2 inch thick, so an easy read. Read it again...and again. And put copies of the core points on the kitchen cupboards for constant affirmation. You WILL change the way you speak to and listen to your children. And they will respond positively. And the drama/tension level in the household will decrease substantially. No sticker charts, no bribes, no EXTRA work for mom, the techniques can be used anywhere, anytime, even while speeding down the freeway at 65 MPH.
And moms, you are NOT required to give answers in an immediate, knee-jerk fashion. You are free to say' Hmm, let me think about that" and....'Uh, I don't want to'. And 'NO' IS a complete sentence. Try, "That's quite an idea, but...I'm not comfortable with that". A child needs your help to calculate the risk factors in their lives. BTW, discipline and punishment are two diferent things. Disipline is a learning process, being guided on how to develop SELF-discipline. Punishment is a painful consequnce doled out by someone bigger and stronger. Who may not have SELF-discipline themselves. Huh.
After raising two daughters as a divorced older mom, one with ADHD and the younger a high achiever, I've been been there, done that. Here's the thing. As adults, we believe we can 'CONTROL' children, (and other adults too). The truth is, once those babies are mobile, you're already losing physical control. The trick is, you have to outsmart them. And work with what you've got.
Remember, nobody gets off scott free. If they don't have ADHD, it's frizzy hair, or a big butt, or too tall, or too short, or fat or skinny, buck teeth, stick out ears, I could go on....
You can't outsmart (control) a child, if you are most often sitting around, watching TV, or giving your cell phone priority. It takes thought and observation of each child. Oh, you can be an 'armchair parent 'alright, but don't expect to raise children to be good world citizens that way. What is an armchair parent? How often do you shout, Don't, Stop!, I told you..., from your seat and you wonder why you get no results? It takes effort, parents, lots of effort.
You have to get up and out of your seat and direct the child yourself. You want them to put a coat on? Get up! and say, 'we're going to put your coat on now. It's too cold outside.' And then help with getting their coat on. Plain and simple (and in a loving tone of voice). You don't need to say "You need to put your coat on". A child responds to truth. The truth is, the child could care less about putting on their coat, THEY don't feel the need. The truth is, YOU care. Be honest. "I want you to put your coat on".
If your child is hyper at dinner, let them take a bite, chew it up and send them down the hall for a couple of somersaults. Back for another bite, chew it up , more somersaults. Who cares? You get to have your dinner conversation and the child gets to respond to their natural inclination. Get them one of those little fitness trampolines, to burn off energy. A Nerf ball in the house is safe. Water play is very calming, let them stand on a chair at the sink and play with the plasticware. Water all over? So what ? It cleans up the floor quite nicely.
Bad behavior in the mall? Don't take them! They are absolutely over-stimulated there. If they need new shoes, go by yourself, pick out 6-8 pairs, buy them, bring them home for try-ons and return the rejects. The stress level for both of you will decrease exponentially.
ADHD kids don't know they are 'out of the norm' with thier behaviors. To them, that's what comes naturally. They hear ALL noises equally, vying for their attention, thus none get their full attention. In a classroom, the hum of a fish tank pump is as loud as the kid in the back of the class who is tapping his pencil, and the janitor mowing the softball field and the voice of the teacher. Try it, it's hard! But give them headphones with reasonable music, and they can concentrate and get the job done. Try it. Work with what you've got. They're valuable little people and they'll be fine in the end, if you give them the love and the tools they need, via EFFORT and observation.
Why make thier lives any more miserable? As parents, we're supposed to give our children a 'Soft place to fall'. Not put fear into thier hearts.
My ADHD daughter is a night owl, always has been. Bedtime rule? "Stay in your bedroom for the rest of the night. Do not do anything that would wake up the rest of us or is destructive, I love you bunches and forever and and, OH, by the way, you WILL get up every morning and go to school, no matter how tired you may be". In adolescence, she would completely rearrange her room in the middle of the night (quietly) and she always made it to school, awake.
She was surly, hostile, quick to anger, lots of sprains and breaks, didn't like to be touched much, did I mention surly? She'd go from OK to angry in a nano-second. Underlying issue was, not in touch with the various nuances of feelings! So we talked a lot about feelings...like the difference between frustrated and angry, shocked and angry, envious and angry. Once she could identify the different things she was really feeling, she could express it, and exert some increasing control over them. Her moods stopped controlling her.
At 22, she has either outgrown many of the behaviors or developed 'coping skills'. Today, she is a loving, always laughing, caring, reliable CNA in an assisted living home, yep, graveyard shift. Studying to be a nurse. We NEED people who are nightowls. Cops, fireman, nurses, etc. She has great value to the community and has incredible common sense. You will not spend your taxes on her, as a parasite crack addict, alchohlic, prisoner, or resident of a mental heath facility.
All it takes is realizing... you chose to bring these little people here, it's your job to turn them into good citizens, and stand-up people, who bring something to the table. That is a requirement of all humanity and societies, at their most basic level.
